Date:  Sun, 14 Jun 1998 14:17:47 -0400
Subject:  Who's on First?


Abbott and Costello's "Who's on First?"
***************************************
Abbott:     Alright, now whaddya want?

Costello:     Now look, I'm the head of the sports department.  I
gotta know the baseball players' names.  Do you know the guys'
names?

Abbott:     Oh sure.

Costello:     So you go ahead and tell me some of their names.

Abbott:     Well, I'll introduce you to the boys.  You know
sometimes nowadays they give ballplayers peculiar names.

Costello:     You mean funny names.

Abbott:     Nicknames, pet names, like Dizzy Dean -

Costello:     His brother Daffy -

Abbott:     Daffy Dean -

Costello:     And their cousin!

Abbott:     Who's that?

Costello:     Goofy!

Abbott:     Goofy, huh?  Now let's see.  We have on the bags - we
have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.

Costello:     That's what I wanna find out.

Abbott:     I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't
Know's on third -

Costello:     You know the fellows' names?

Abbott:     Certainly!

Costello:     Well then who's on first?

Abbott:     Yes!

Costello:     I mean the fellow's name!

Abbott:     Who!

Costello:     The guy on first!

Abbott:     Who!

Costello:     The first baseman!

Abbott:     Who!

Costello:     The guy playing first!

Abbott:     Who is on first!

Costello:     Now whaddya askin' me for?

Abbott:     I'm telling you Who is on first.

Costello:     Well, I'm asking YOU who's on first!

Abbott:     That's the man's name.

Costello:     That's who's name?

Abbott:     Yes.

Costello:     Well go ahead and tell me.

Abbott:     Who.

Costello:     The guy on first.

Abbott:     Who!

Costello:     The first baseman.

Abbott:     Who is on first!

Costello:     Have you got a contract with the first baseman?

Abbott:     Absolutely.

Costello:     Who signs the contract?

Abbott:     Well, naturally!

Costello:     When you pay off the first baseman every month, who
gets the money?

Abbott:     Every dollar.  Why not?  The man's entitled to it.

Costello:     Who is?

Abbott:     Yes.  Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Costello:     Who's wife?

Abbott:     Yes.

Costello:     All I'm tryin' to find out is what's the guy's name
on first base.

Abbott:     Oh, no - wait a minute, don't switch 'em around. 
What is on second base.

Costello:     I'm not askin' you who's on second.

Abbott:     Who is on first.

Costello:     I don't know.

Abbott:     He's on third - now we're not talkin' 'bout him.

Costello:     Now, how did I get on third base?

Abbott:     You mentioned his name!

Costello:     If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I
say is playing third?

Abbott:     No - Who's playing first.

Costello:     Never mind first - I wanna know what's the guy's
name on third.

Abbott:     No - What's on second.

Costello:     I'm not askin' you who's on second.

Abbott:     Who's on first.

Costello:     I don't know.

Abbott:     He's on third.

Costello:     Aaah!  Would you please stay on third base and
don't go off it?

Abbott:     What was it you wanted?

Costello:     Now who's playin' third base?

Abbott:     Now why do you insist on putting Who on third base?

Costello:     Why?  Who am I putting over there?

Abbott:     Yes.  But we don't want him there.

Costello:     What's the guy's name on third base?

Abbott:     What belongs on second.

Costello:     I'm not askin' you who's on second.

Abbott:     Who's on first.

Costello:     I don't know.

Abbott & Costello:    THIRD BASE!

Costello:     You got an outfield?

Abbott:     Oh yes!

Costello:     The left fielder's name?

Abbott:     Why.

Costello:     I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you.

Abbott:     Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

Costello:     Alright, then tell me who's playin' left field.

Abbott:     Who is playing fir-

Costello:     STAY OUTTA THE INFIELD!  I wanna know what's the
left fielder's name.

Abbott:     What's on second.

Costello:     I'm not askin' you who's on second.

Abbott:     Who's on first.

Costello:     I don't know.

Abbott & Costello:   THIRD BASE!

Costello:     The left fielder's name?

Abbott:     Why.

Costello:     Because!

Abbott:     Oh, he's center field.

Costello:     Look, you gotta pitcher on this team?

Abbott:     Now wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.

Costello:     The pitcher's name.

Abbott:     Tomorrow.

Costello:     You don't wanna tell me today?

Abbott:     I'm tellin' you now.

Costello:     Then go ahead.

Abbott:     Tomorrow.

Costello:     What time?

Abbott:     What time what?

Costello:     What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's
pitching?

Abbott:     Now listen.  Who is not pitching.  Who is on fir-

Costello:     I'll break your arm if you say Who's on first.  I
wanna know what's the pitcher's name.

Abbott:     What's on second.

Costello:     I don't know.

Abbott & Costello:   THIRD BASE!

Costello:     You got a catcher?

Abbott:     Oh, absolutely.

Costello:     The catcher's name.

Abbott:     Today.

Costello:     Today.  And Tomorrow's pitching.

Abbott:     Now you've got it.

Costello:     All we've got is a couple of days on the team.

Abbott:     Well, I can't help that.

Costello:     Well, I'm a catcher too.

Abbott:     I know that.

Costello:     Now suppose that I'm catching, Tomorrow's pitching
on my team and their heavy hitter gets up.

Abbott:     Yes.

Costello:     Tomorrow throws the ball. The batter bunts the
ball.  When he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I wanna
throw the guy out at first base.  So I pick up the ball and throw
it to who?

Abbott:     Now that's the first thing you've said right.

Costello:     I don't even know what I'm talkin' about!

Abbott:     Well, that's all you have to do.

Costello:     Is to throw the ball to first base.

Abbott:     Yes.

Costello:     Now who's got it?

Abbott:     Naturally!

Costello:     If I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta
catch it.  Now who caught it?

Abbott:     Naturally!

Costello:     Who caught it?

Abbott:     Naturally.

Costello:     Who?

Abbott:     Naturally!

Costello:     Naturally.

Abbott:     Yes.

Costello:     So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

Abbott:     NO, NO, NO!  You throw the ball to first base and Who
gets it?

Costello:     Naturally.

Abbott:     That's right.  There we go.

Costello:     So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

Abbott:     You don't!

Costello:     I throw it to who?

Abbott:     Naturally.

Costello:     THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!

Abbott:     You're not saying it that way.

Costello:     I said I throw the ball to Naturally.

Abbott:     You don't - you throw the ball to Who?

Costello:     Naturally!

Abbott:     Well, say that!

Costello:     THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!  I throw the ball to who?

Abbott:     Naturally.

Costello:     Ask me.

Abbott:     You throw the ball to Who?

Costello:     Naturally.

Abbott:     That's it.

Costello:     SAME AS YOU!!  I throw the ball to first base and
who gets it?

Abbott:     Naturally!

Costello:     Who has it?

Abbott:     Naturally!

Costello:     HE BETTER HAVE IT!  I throw the ball to first base.

Whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second.  Who
picks up the ball and throws it to What, What throws it to I
Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow - triple
play.

Abbott:     Yes.

Costello:    Another guy gets up - it's a long fly ball to
Because.  Why? I don't know.  He's on third and I don't give a
darn!

Abbott:     What was that?

Costello:     I said I don't give a darn!

Abbott:     Oh, that's our shortstop.


==============================================================

Date:  Fri, 25 Dec 1998 12:42:21 -0500
Subject:  Things never said in the theatre
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 3

Things never said in the theatre


BY THE STAGE MANAGER:
... It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress
    rehearsal.
... Take your time getting back from break.
... We've been ready for hours.
... No, I called that perfectly the first time - let's move on.
... The headsets are working perfectly.
... The cue lights are working perfectly.
... The orchestra has no complaints.
... The whole company is standing by whenever you want them.
... That didn't take long.
... No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE PRODUCER:
... Of course there's enough money to go around.
... We have money left over.
... No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE DIRECTOR:
... Wow, the designers were right on, weren't they?
... No, today is the tech rehearsal, we'll re-work that scene
    later.
... I think the scene changes are too fast.
... Of course I think that we'll be ready in time for opening.
... The crew? Why they're just wonderful!
... No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE DESIGNERS:
... Of course all of my drawings were turned in on time.
... Yes, it absolutely is my fault that the set looks awful.
... You know, you might have a point there.
... The director knows best, obviously I wasn't giving him what
    he wants.
... We have too many gel colors in stock, I can't choose.
... Of course the shop will have the costumes ready on time.
... No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE TD:
... This is the most complete and informative set of drawings
    I've ever seen
... We built it right the first time.
... No problem, I'll deal with that right away.
... I love designers.
... No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE ACTOR:
... Don't... Let's not talk about me.
... I really think my big scene should be cut.
... This costume is SO comfortable.
... I love my shoes.
... No problem. I can do that for myself.
... I have a fantastic agent.
... Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.
... I'm sure someone told me there was a wall here, I just
    forgot.
... Without the crew the show would never run - let's thank them.
... No thanks, I don't drink.




BY THE STAGE CREW:
... That instrument is not in the way.
... There's room for that over here.
... We'll get in early tomorrow to do it.
... No, no. I'm sure that is our job.
... Anything I can do to help?
... All the tools are carefully locked away.
... Can we do that scene change again please?
... It's a marvelous show.
... I don't need this many on the crew.
... No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE THEATER MANAGER:
... No, please.  That's far too much rent.
... Let me buy you a drink.


==============================================================

Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 21:38:21 +1300
Subject: The big 'List' problem
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 4


The big 'List' problem

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change
   a light bulb?
A: 1,393:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the
  light bulb has been changed...
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how
   the light bulb could have been changed differently,
4 to complain that they were happy with the old one,
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs,
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing
   light bulbs,
53 to flame the spell checkers,
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the
    light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail
    list,
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames,
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please
    take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb,
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
    alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped,
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use
    light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this
    mail list,
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior,
    where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs
    work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty,
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light
   bulbs,
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post
   corrected URLs,
12 to flame the AOL users for violating netiqeutte and blame them
   for starting this whole thing,
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that "are relevant
  to this list, which makes light bulbs relevant to this list,"
45 posts about whether or not AOL should even be allowed to
   exist, 
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including
   all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too,"
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they
   cannot handle the light bulb controversy,
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three,"
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ, 
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup,
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for,
   leave it here,
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

================================================================

Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 22:30:29 EST
Subject:  You know you are if....
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 5


You know you are an engineer or computer geek if.......

...at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one
to find the burned out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.

...choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or spending money
to upgrade the RAM in your computer is a moral dilemma.

...everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck gazing at the
scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.

...in college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue
failure.

...the Salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any
of your questions.

...you are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are
falling.

...you bought your wife a new CD ROM drive for her birthday.

...you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

...you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own
handwriting.

...you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and
parallel.

...you go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the
chairs to see how they do the special effects.

...you have saved every power cord from all your broken
appliances.

...you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

...you know what http:// stands for.

...you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids'
toys.

...you see a good design and still have to change it.

...you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding
ring.

...you still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.

...you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they
didn't get enough sleep.

...you window shop at Radio Shack.

...you're both in the back-seat of your car, she's looking
wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a
geosynchronous satellite.

...your laptop computer costs more than your car.

...your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

...you've already calculated how much you make per second.

...you've tried to repair a $5 radio.

================================================================

Date: Sun, 10 Jan 1999 13:12:35 EST
Subject: Words to the Wise
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 6


WORDS TO THE WISE

1. I started out with nothing....I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
9. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
10. I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through..
12. It was all so different before everything changed.
13. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
14. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay
    resident.
15. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
16. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few...
17. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back
    seat cause kids.
18. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden
    stop at the end.
19. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
20. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if
    you're in the bathroom.
22. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on
    my knees.
23. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone
    else decide to play chess?
24. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your
    seat belt.
25. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
26. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
    die.
27. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

=================================================================

Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1999 23:24:52 EST
Subject: Things the movies teach you...
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 8


THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES


During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a
stripclub at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying
beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
Bread.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding
place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you
can travel to any other part of the building you want without
difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more
ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out
a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always
be the exact fare.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always
say: Enter Password Now.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family
every morning even though their husband and children never have
time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and
pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or
ending phone conversations.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large
red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you
are visiting.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump
into will know all the steps.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner
until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they
will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic
eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in
seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child
trapped inside.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects
you personally at that precise moment.

When running to a car in a hurry, the keys are always in the
ignition and starts right up.

Unless they're being chased, then the person always falls, drops
their keys and/or can't get the key in the car door -- but
miraculously manages to put the key in the ignition on the first
try.

The police will always shoot at the people driving the car they
are chasing and never hit them - and they will never shoot at the
tires.

================================================================

Date: Fri, 29 Jan 1999 01:43:53 EST
Subject:  Too Much of the Nineties
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 9


Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's : 

22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags
    out of the back seat of your car.
21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they
    do not have e-mail addresses.
20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your
    bookmarks.
19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and
    bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get
    crossed off. 
18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and
    capital gains.
16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing
    cabinet.
13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it
    notes.
12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some
    of the products don't even exist any more.
11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to
    improve their process.
10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear
    sweats to work.
9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as
   deliverables. 
8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for
   a living.
7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most
   expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing
   a project" are acceptable English phrases.
5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your
   next door neighbors.
4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making
   Friday night plans.
3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put
   his ideas into a matrix.
2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's: 

1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
     
==============================================================

Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1999 22:13:11 EST
Subject: Concerns for Baby Boomers
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 10

Concerns for Baby Boomers:

Then:  Long hair.
Now:   Longing for hair.

Then:  Keg
Now:   EKG.

Then:  Acid rock
Now:   Acid reflux.

Then:  Moving to California because it's cool.
Now:   Moving to California because it's hot.

Then:  You're growing pot.
Now:   Your growing pot.

Then:  Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now:   Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

Then:  Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now:   Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then:  Seeds and stems.
Now:   Roughage.

Then:  Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now:   Popping joints.

Then:  The US President's struggle with Fidel.
Now:   The US President's struggle with fidelity.

Then:  Paar.
Now:   AARP.

Then:  Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now:   Being caught by Hustler magazine.

Then:  Killer weed.
Now:   Weed killer.

Then:  The Grateful Dead.
Now:   Dr. Kevorkian.

Then:  Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now:   Getting a new hip joint.

Then:  Being called into the principal's office
Now:   Storming into the principal's office

Then:  Peace Sign
Now:   Mercedes Logo

Then:  Getting your head stoned
Now:   Getting your headstone

Then:  "Going blind"
Now:   REALLY going blind

Then:  Worrying about no one coming to your party
Now:   Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

Then:  Fighting to get rid of the lying President
Now:   Fighting to keep the lying President

Then:  The perfect high
Now:   The perfect hightailed mutual fund

Then:  Elvis in the army
Now:   Elvis in a UFO

Then:  Swallowing acid
Now:   Swallowing antacid

Then:  Passing the driving test
Now:   Passing the vision test

Then:  Whatever...
Now:   Depends

Then:  Ommmmmm
Now:   Ummmmm

================================================================

From  Mon Feb 22 13:40:38 1999 -0800
Date: Mon, 22 Feb 1999 15:17:28 EST
Subject: Hot Air Balloon Navigation
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 11

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.
He reduces height and spots a man down below.

He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you
help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes.  You are in a hot air balloon, hovering
approximately 30 feet above this field.  You are between 40 and
42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W.
longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man, "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is
technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you
are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to
keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.  The fact is you
are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now
it is somehow my fault."

================================================================

From  Thu Feb 25 21:11:57 1999 -0800
Date: Thu, 25 Feb 1999 22:54:50 -0500
Subject: Quaylisms......
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 12

Recently, Dan Quayle announced his intentions to run for
President of the U.S. in 2000.  Since the average attention span
in the U.S. is about as long as the average sitcom, and since
many younger voters may not have been watching the news when
these were said the first time, we provide you with this list of
famous Quayle quotes.  Enjoy.
     
     
"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific.  It
is in the Pacific.  It is a part of the United States that is an
island that is right here."
     Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989
     
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I
have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could
converse with those people."
     J. Danforth Quayle
     
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
     J. Danforth Quayle
     
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a
mother and child."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the
same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen
pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water.  If there
is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we
can breathe."
     Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89
     
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is
being very wasteful. How true that is."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
(this was part of his address to the United Negro College Fund -
whose slogan is "a mind is a terrible thing to waste")
     
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I
mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century.
I didn't live in this century."
     Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
     
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom
and democracy - but that could change."
     Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89
     
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice
president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
     Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89
     
"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world." 
  -- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy]
     
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
     
"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good
judgements in the Future."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"The future will be better tomorrow."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the
world."
     Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88
     
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive
positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
     Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson,  1/17/89
     
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We
have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"Public speaking is very easy."
     Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88
     
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to
the polls."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the
riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and
simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. 
Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not
having it."
     Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire,
     8/92)
     
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not
occur."
     Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90
     
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
     Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90
     
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children."
     Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90
     
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that
Dan Quayle may or may not make."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten
you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
     Vice President Dan Quayle

================================================================

From  Sat Feb 27 12:01:55 1999 -0800
Date: Sat, 27 Feb 1999 13:45:27 EST
Subject: Jesus and Satan
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 13

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better 
programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come 
to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. 
They set themselves before their computers and  begin.

They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, 
for several hours straight.  Seconds before the end of the 
competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the
electricity.  Moments later, the power is restored, and
God announces that the contest is over.   

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.  Satan is visibly
upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power
went out."  "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus
fared any better."Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes
to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir
pour forth from the speakers. 

Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost
everything, yet Jesus' program is intact.  How did he do it?"  

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

================================================================

From  Mon Mar  1 19:43:26 1999 -0800
Date: Mon, 01 Mar 1999 18:29:58 -0800
Subject: Y to K
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 14


To:   Y to K Coordinator
Re:   Y to K conversion

The team has finally completed the three years of work on time
and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every
program for all systems.  We have analyzed every database and
data file, including backups and historic archives, and modified
the data to reflect the conversion of Ys to Ks.

We are proud to report that we have completed the Y to K
conversion work.  We have now implemented the changes in all
programs and data to reflect the following new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August,
September, October, November, December and...

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this modification is satisfactory, because to be
honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to us.
But we understand that it is a global problem, and the team is
glad to help in any way possible.

By the way, what does the year 2000 have to do with it? 

Speaking of which, what do you think we should do next year when
the two-digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?

We will wait for your direction.

Regards,

Team Leader
Y to K coordinating team

===============================================================

From  Fri Mar  5 21:04:58 1999 -0800
Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1999 19:49:56 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Acronym update
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 15

So it's been a while since I talked about acronyms. 
I thought some might want a condensed version. (Plus some others
have come up recently.)

*General Net Acronyms*

IIRC - "If I remember correctly"
LOL - "laughing out loud"
ROFL  - "rolling on floor laughing"
ROTFLOL!!!! - combination of above
ROTFLMAO - "Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off..."
YMMV - "Your Mileage May Vary" (i.e. you may have other
experiences which may contradict what I've said)
DAMHIKIJKOK? - "Don't Ask Me How I Know I Just Know, OK?"
HTH - "Hope That Helps"
JM.02  - "Just My 2 Cents" (and lots of variations)
ATSL - "along the same lines"
TIA - "thanks in advance"
SBTBF - "standing by to be flamed"
IMO - "in my opinion"
IMHO - "in my humble opinion"
IMNSHO - "In my not so humble opinion"

*Some Rather Obtuse Ones*
CCBS   - "close cover before striking"
ERFD  - "eat rice for dinner"

*Acronyms Designed to Avoid Net Censors*
DFAMHIFKIJFKOFK!?! - See above
FIIK -  "fart if i know"
RTFM - "Read The Fine Manual"
SSDD - "same stuff different day"
OSRIC- "Oh Shoot ! Run In Circles!"
FUBAR - "Fouled Up beyond any/all repair"
FUITH - "Fouled up in the head"
TARFU:  "Things are really fouled up!"

*Wisely Undefined*
BCH and a RCH

*Newish*
ISTR - I Seem to Recall
PITA - Pain In The Ass
VBEG
HTN


TAFN (That's all for now)
Mark Lewandowski
Production Manager
Rosebud School of the Arts
Rosebud, AB CANADA

===============================================================

From  Sun Mar  7 18:06:04 1999 -0800
Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 19:47:39 -0500
Subject: Saskatchewan Temperature Conversion
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 16

Saskatchewan Temperature Conversion Guide
10C = Vancouverites try to turn on the heat. Saskatchewanians
      plant gardens.
5C = Victorians shiver uncontrollably. Regina people sunbathe.
3C = Italian cars won't start. Regina people drive with the
     windows down.
0C = Distilled water freezes. Regina water gets thicker.
-5C = Torontonians wear coats, gloves and wool hats.
      Saskatchewanians throw on a t-shirt.
-10C = Quebecers begin to evacuate the province. Saskatchewanians
      go swimming (Waskimo!).
-20C = Toronto landlords finally turn up the heat.
       Saskatchewanians have the last cookout before it gets
       cold.
-25C = People in Vancouver cease to exist. Saskatonians lick
       flagpoles.
-30C = Calgarians fly away to Mexico. Regina people throw on a
       light jacket.
-40C = Hamilton disintegrates. Regina people rent some videos.
-60C = Mount St. Helens freezes. Regina Girl Guides begin selling
       cookies door to door.
-80C = Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Saskatoon Boy
       Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets
       cold enough.
-100C = Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Regina people pull
        down their earflaps.
-114C = Ethyl alcohol freezes. Regina people get frustrated when
        they can't thaw the keg.
-183C = Microbial life survives in dairy products. Saskatchewan
        cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
-273C = ALL atomic motion stops. Saskatchewan people start
        saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
-300C = Hell freezes over. The Saskatchewan Roughriders win the
        Grey Cup!!

=================================================================

From  Fri Mar 12 23:34:32 1999 -0800
Date: Sat, 13 Mar 1999 01:18:13 EST
Subject: The New Math
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 17

A history of Math education as illustrated in the logging
industry...

Teaching Math in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:

A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. 
The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one
dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M".
The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than
set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer
the following question:
What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of
production is $80 and her profit is $20. 
Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 

Teaching Math in 1990:

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: How did the forest
birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There
are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996:

By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock
price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the
CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital
gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997:

A company outsources all of its loggers. The firm saves on
benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging
work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by
the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice
retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger
charges $50 an hour.
Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998:

A laid-off logger with four kids at home and an alimony from his
first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate
offices and goes berserk, shooting 16 executives, and even a
politician who was visiting the premises.  Was outsourcing the
loggers a good move for the company?

Teaching Math in 1999:

A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom prison for shooting
several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to
work on Y2K projects.
What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open
on January 1, 2000 and let all the prisoners out?

=================================================================

From  Mon Mar 15 10:30:07 1999 -0800
Subject: Computer gender
Date: Mon, 15 Mar 99 12:19:05 -0500
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 18

A man who had previously been a sailor, was very aware that
ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what
gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he
set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of
women, and the second of men.

Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be
referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They
were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred
to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
   time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had 
   waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be
referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
   computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
   later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
   spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

=============================================================

From  Fri Mar 19 15:47:48 1999 -0800
Subject: Oxymorons
Date: Fri, 19 Mar 1999 14:33:00 -0800
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 19

 Top 50 OXYMORONS:
 
 50. Act naturally
 49. Found missing
 48. Resident alien
 47. Advanced BASIC
 46. Genuine imitation
 45. Airline food
 44. Good grief
 43. Same difference
 42. Almost exactly
 41. Government organization
 40. Sanitary landfill
 39. Alone together
 38. Legally drunk
 37. Silent scream
 36. American history
 35. Living dead
 34. Small crowd
 33. Business ethics
 32. Soft rock
 31. Butt head
 30. Military intelligence
 29. Software documentation
 28. New York culture
 27. New classic
 26. Sweet sorrow
 25. Childproof
 24. "Now, then..."
 23. Synthetic natural gas
 22. Christian Scientists
 21. Passive aggression
 20. Taped live
 19. Clearly misunderstood
 18. Peace force
 17. Extinct life
 16. Temporary tax increase
 15. Computer jock
 14. Plastic glasses
 13. Terribly pleased
 12. Computer security
 11. Political science
 10. Tight slacks
 9. Definite maybe
 8. Pretty ugly
 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
 6. Diet ice cream
 5. Rap music
 4. Working vacation
 3. Exact estimate
 2. Religious tolerance
 
 and the number one OXY-moron
 1. Microsoft Works
 
=============================================================

From  Fri Mar 19 11:45:32 1999 -0800
Subject: Funnies
Date: Fri, 19 Mar 1999 10:19:39 -0000
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 20

The friars were behind on their payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise the funds. Everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, so the rival florist across town
thought this competition was unfair.
 
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. 
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. 
He then asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of
business.  They ignored her, too.
 
So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and
most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.  Hugh
beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back
if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby
proving that . . .
 
  Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 
_____________________

AIRLINE FUNNIES

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
"in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit
more entertaining.
 Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane..."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must
smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you
to the wing of the airplane..

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught
smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane
immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I
am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move
about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we
land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it
affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.
We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in
front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve
luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on
the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video
surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any
passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes
to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as
they leave the aircraft."

As the plane landed and as coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because,
after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other
seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.  In the event of a
sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from 
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the  mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs.  If you are traveling
with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you,
and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
Southwest Airlines."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.
I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and
visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or
spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and
said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't
the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it
was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on
a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the  Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your
seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door
while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for
flying XYZ airline."
He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for
this little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, "Sonny, mind
if I ask you a question?"  "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what
is it?"  The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot
down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
Attendant came  on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in
your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the
aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the
tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,  we'll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to
the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you
get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US
Airways."

And, finally, when I was the only passenger on a transcontinental
flight in a 747 (!) the captain's preflight announcement began:
"Good morning, Sir...."
  
=============================================================

From  Mon Mar 15 10:46:58 1999 -0800
Date: Mon, 15 Mar 1999 12:31:19 EST
Subject: L.A. Driver's License
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 21


OBTAINING AN L.A. DRIVER'S LICENSE... 
 
Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in L.A., you
may not have realized that the California Department of Motor
Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test
solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.  Here it is below: 

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION: 

Name: ____________________ 

Stage name: __________________________ 

Agent's Name:  __________________________ 

Attorney's Name:  _______________________ 

Actual Age: _____ Admitted Age: _____ 

Sex:  [ ] male              [ ] female 
      [ ] formerly male     [ ] formerly female 
      [ ] both              [ ] neither 

If female, indicate breast implant size:  _______ 

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely 
operate a motor vehicle in any way?  Yes [ ]  No [ ] 

Occupation: 
    [ ]  Lawyer 
    [ ]  Actor/Waiter 
    [ ]  Film-maker/Self-employed 
    [ ]  Writer 
    [ ]  Car Dealer 
    [ ]  Pan-handler 
    [ ]  Agent 
    [ ]  Hooker/Transvestite 
    [ ]  Other; please explain: ___________________________ 

Please list brand of cell phone:  ________________________ 
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.) 

Please check hair color: 
    Females:     [  ] Blonde    [  ]   Platinum  Blonde 
    Teenagers:   [  ] Purple    [  ]   Blue      [  ] Skin-head 
    Men: Please list shade of hair plugs ________________ 

Please indicate if you have Automobile Insurance: 
    [ ] Yes [ ] No 

If Yes, please explain: 

Please check activities you perform while driving (Check all that
apply): 
   [ ] Eating a wrap 
   [ ] Applying make-up 
   [ ] Talking on the phone 
   [ ] Slapping kids in the back seat 
   [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs 
   [ ] Tanning 
   [X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)

   [ ] Watching TV 
   [ ] Reading Variety 
   [ ] Surfing the net via laptop 
   [ ] Reading a book or other Newspaper 

Please indicate how many times: 
    a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, _____ 
    b) and how many times you expect to be shot at while driving 
       ____. 

If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately: 
    a) [ ] Call the police to report the crime; 
    b) [ ] Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch
       your TV; 
    c) [ ] Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against
       cellular phone company for 911 call not going through; 
    d) [ ] Call your therapist; 
    e) [ ] None of the above (South Central residents only). 

Please indicate if you drive: 
    a) [ ] a BMW, 
    b) [ ] a Lexus, 
    c) [ ] a Mercedes, 
    d) [ ] a Cabriolet. 

If your answer is d, please add 6 to 8 weeks to normal delivery 
time for your driver's license. 

In the event of an earthquake, should you: 
    a) [ ] stop your car 
    b) [ ] keep driving and hope for the best, 
    c) [ ] immediately use your cell phone to call all loved
           ones, or 
    d) [ ] pull out your video camera and obtain footage for 
           Channel 4? 

In the instance of rain, you should: 
    a) [ ] never drive over 5 MPH, 
    b) [ ] drive twice as fast as usual, or 
    c) [ ] you're not sure what "rain" is. 

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week:  ____. 

Are you presently taking any of the following medications? 
(Check all that apply.) 
    a) [ ] Prozac; 
    b) [ ] Zovirax; 
    c) [ ] Lithium; 
    d) [ ] Zanax. 
If none, please explain:  __________________. 

Length of daily commute: 
    a) [ ] 1 hour; 
    b) [ ] 2 hours; 
    c) [ ] 3 hours; 
    d) [ ] 4 hours or more. 
If under 1 hour, please explain: 

When stopped by police, should you 
    a) [ ] pull over and have your driver's license and
           insurance form ready, 
    b) [ ] try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the
           405, 
    c) [ ] have video camera ready and provoke them to attack, 
           thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?

=============================================================

From  Tue Mar  9 12:34:47 1999 -0800
Date: Tue, 9 Mar 1999 14:09:21 EST
Subject: Great Truths About Life
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 22

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your
   hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch
   the second person.
4. Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair
7. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
8. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
9. School lunches stick to the wall.
10. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
11. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to
   look for fit. For example, I am sitting here right now
   thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in
   an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a
   pleasant atmosphere, then let the air out of their tires.
5. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the
   toy.
7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live
8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse
   can happen to you the rest of the day.
10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes
    and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

===============================================================

From  Thu Mar 11 09:04:51 1999 -0800
Date: Thu, 11 Mar 1999 10:49:05 EST
Subject: 25 Deeeep Thoughts.
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 23

25 Deep Thoughts: 

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other
   people. 
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to
   say it. 
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large
   groups. 
6. The older you get, the better you realize you were. 
7. I doubt, therefore I might be. 
8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 
9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. 
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
    fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 
13. A fool and his money are soon partying. 
14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? 
15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back
    to? 
16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery. 
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 
18. If God dropped acid, would he see people? 
19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown
    too? 
20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 
21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do
    it? 
22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 
24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 
25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 

================================================================

From  Mon Mar  8 16:36:03 1999 -0800
Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 18:16:44 EST
Subject: Jonah
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 24

There was this lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her
business  so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous
so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped
relax her.

On one particular flight she was sitting next to a man. When he
saw  her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went
back to what he  was doing. 

After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe
all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that
whale?

She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.

He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time
inside the whale?"

The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to
heaven I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.

===============================================================

From  Mon Mar  1 11:07:27 1999 -0800
Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 12:02:19 EST
Subject: Style Invitational
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 25

The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are some recent winners:

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
 obtaining sex.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . .

Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
 recipient who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
 really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and
 it's like a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
 they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

=================================================================

From  Wed Feb 24 01:13:34 1999 -0800
Date: Wed, 24 Feb 1999 02:58:24 EST
Subject: HUMAN RESOURCES
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 26

HUMAN RESOURCES
     
There once was a human resource manager who lived her whole life
without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked
for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a
win-win situation.
     
One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a
bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met
at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
     
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in
though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough,
we've never once had a human resource manager make it this far
and we're not really sure what to do with you."
     
"No problem, just let me in." Said the human resource manager.
     
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to
do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you
can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." 
     
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in
Heaven"
     
Sorry, we have rules..."And with that St. Peter put the human
resource manager in an elevator and it went down-down-down to
hell. The doors opened and the human resource manager found
herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf
course. 

In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her
were all her friends - fellow human resource managers that she
had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and
cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and
they talked about old times. 

They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster
dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy
(kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.

The human resource manager was having such a good time that
before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her
hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
     
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates
and she  found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend
a day in heaven." 

So the human resource manager spent the next 24 hours lounging
around on  clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a
great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity." 
     
The human resource manager paused for a second and then replied,
"Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been
really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the human
resource manager went down-down-down back to Hell. 
     
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing
in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her
friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and
putting it in sacks. 

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't
understand," stammered the human resource manager, "yesterday I
was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we
ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is
a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
     
The Devil looked at her and smiled, "That's because yesterday we
were recruiting you, but today you're staff."

=================================================================

From  Fri Feb 26 11:26:00 1999 -0800
Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 13:11:07 EST
Subject: HUMOR IN SCRUBS
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 27

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to
operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside
is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the
best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts
left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said
it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're
all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no 
guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are
interchangeable."

================================================================

From  Mon Mar 29 01:31:55 1999 -0800
Date: Mon, 29 Mar 1999 03:16:00 -0500 (EST)
Subject: RE: HUMOR IN SCRUBS
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 28

Lawyers are best yet. You don't operate. You throw them to the
wolves who
then nurse them back to health, "Professional Courtesy".

{O,o}

-------- Original Message --------

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to
operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside
is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the
best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts
left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said
it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're
all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no 
guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are
interchangeable."

================================================================

From  Mon Mar  1 11:07:27 1999 -0800
Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 12:02:19 EST
Subject: Cat/Dog life lessons
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 29

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM MY CAT

* Life is hard and then you nap.
* Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours
* Variety is the spice of life:  One day ignore people, the next
  day annoy them and play with them when they're busy.
* When in doubt, cop an attitude.
* Climb your way to the top -- that's why the drapes are there.
* Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone's face.
* Make your mark in the world -- or at least spray in each
  corner.
* When you go out into the world, always remember, being placed
  on a pedestal is a right, not a privilege.
* Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells
  them, "I care."



DOG PROPERTY LAWS

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it
   automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.



================================================================

From  Sat Mar 27 15:51:29 1999 -0800
Date: Sat, 27 Mar 1999 14:37:07 -0800
Subject: Gates at the Pearly Gates.....
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 30

Bill Gates died in a car accident.  He found himself
in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call.  I'm
not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell.  
After all, you enormously helped society by putting
a computer in almost every home in the world and yet
you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do
something I've never done before. 

In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you
want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the
difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places
briefly if it will help you make your choice" 

"Fine, but where should I go first?" 

God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."

Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."  
So Bill went to Hell. 

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear
waters.There were thousands of beautiful women
running around, playing in the water, laughing and
frolicking about. The sun was shining, the
temperature was perfect.

Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God.
"If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a 
high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about
playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as
enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute
and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer
Hell" he told God 

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."  

So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late
billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.  
When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled
to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in a dark
cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?"  God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and
disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I
expected. I can't believe this happened. 
What happened to that other place with the  beaches
and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
     
God says "Oh that.......that was the screen saver".

==============================================================

From  Mon Mar 29 00:40:49 1999 -0800
Date:         Sun, 28 Mar 1999 23:22:06 -0800
Subject: Y5B - The Year 5 Billion Problem
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 31

You thought Y2K was a problem . Lets see how this one works out!

http://www.y5b.com/

==============================================================

From  Tue Mar 30 07:23:15 1999 -0800
Date: Tue, 30 Mar 1999 09:05:44 EST
Subject: some punmusement for the day
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 32

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's
Novocain during root canal work?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.


There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent
in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns
would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to
a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a  picture of himself to his mom. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've
seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

==============================================================

From  Sat Mar 27 14:46:14 1999 -0800
Date: Sat, 27 Mar 1999 16:31:27 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Senior driver
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 33

The Senior Driver

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!"

==============================================================

From  Sat Mar 27 09:27:01 1999 -0800
Date: Sat, 27 Mar 1999 11:11:03 EST
Subject: Hamlet's cat
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 34

I don't know who wrote this - but its fun from Liz  


Hamlet's Cat's Soliloquy

************************************

To go outside, and there perchance to stay
Or to remain within: that is the question:
Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer
The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
That Nature rains on those who roam abroad,
Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
And so by dozing melt the solid hours
That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time
And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare
Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state
A wish to venture forth without delay,
Then when the portal's opened up, to stand
As if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep;
To choose not knowing when we may once more
Our re-admittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;
For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,
Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,
And going out and coming in were made
As simple as the breaking of a bowl,
What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,
The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,
The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,
The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks
That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,
He might his exodus or entrance make
With a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear,
Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,
But that the dread of our unheeded cries
And scratches at a barricaded door
No claw can open up, dispels our nerve
And makes us rather bear our humans' faults
Than run away to unguessed miseries?
Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;
And thus the bristling hair of resolution
Is softened up with the pale brush of thought,
And since our choices hinge on weighty things,
We pause upon the threshold of decision.

 - Shakespaw

==============================================================

From  Fri Apr  2 06:38:54 1999 -0800
Date: Fri, 2 Apr 1999 08:19:02 EST
Subject: Happy Easter
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 35

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU POUR HOT WATER DOWN A RABBIT HOLE?

HOT CROSS BUNNIES!!!

==============================================================

From  Fri Apr  2 14:34:05 1999 -0800
Date: Fri, 02 Apr 1999 13:20:21 -0800
Subject: Dictionary for Women
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 36

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't
realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a
policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the
tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned
verything up, but, he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a
purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend 1/2 an hour writing, then forget to take to the 
store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to 
duplicate again.  See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't
coming out anytime soon.

Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On
his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. 
See also "tranquilizers."

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds,
and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

==============================================================

From  Fri Apr  2 22:06:12 1999 -0800
Date: Fri, 2 Apr 1999 23:47:55 EST
Subject: What we WISH we could say to our co-workers
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 37

1) How about never? Is never good for you?

2) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself
in public.

3) Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change
the subject.

4) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.

5) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.

6) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
 pronounce.

7) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

8) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

9) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

10) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

11) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

12) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about
you.
 
13) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of bad Karma to burn
off.

14) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.

15) No, my powers can only be used for good.

16) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to
worship me.

17) You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication.

18) Are you a ray of sunshine every day?

19) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

20) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

21) I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

22) Who me? I just wander from room to room.

23) My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

24) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular
level I'm really quite busy.

25) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive
habits.

==============================================================

From  Tue Apr  6 07:01:58 1999 -0700
Date: Tue, 6 Apr 1999 08:45:11 EDT
Subject: Theatrical Logic
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 38

Theatrical Logic


In is Down, Down is Front
Out is Up, Up is Back, Off is Out, On is In,
And of course- Right is Left and Left is Right.

A Drop Shouldn't, A Prop Doesn't,
Teasers and Tormentors Don't do either,
Dry Brush Isn't, Gel Doesn't, You Can't Read a Book or a Page,
You Can't Walk Through a Barndoor,
And a Block and Fall Does Neither.

Wings Don't Fly, Flys Don't Buzz, Legs Don't Stand,
Trees Don't Grow, You Can't Eat the Cookies or Donuts,
Toenails Aren't, A Spotline is Neither a Spot Nor a Line,
And a Pool, A Wash, A Port Nor a Cove,
Has Anything to Do with Water.

Tripping, Ripping and Knocking Down is Okay,
A Running Crew Rarely Gets Anywhere, 
A Purchase Line Will Buy You Nothing, 
You Can't Touch the Envelopes, 
A Trap Will Not Catch Anything, 
Booms and Instruments Don't Make A Sound, Crosby's Don't
Sing and You Don't Sit on Their Saddles,
And Neither a Gridiron, Spike, A Block and Tackle Nor a TD
Has Anything to Do With Football.

Strike is Work (in fact a lot of work) And a Green Room
Thankfully Usually Isn't.

Now that you have been fully versed in Theatrical Logic
"Break a Leg", But Not Really.

==============================================================

From  Wed Mar 17 09:46:01 1999 -0800
Date: Wed, 17 Mar 1999 10:28:36 -0600
Subject: Trombone/Bagpipe jokes
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 39

What's the definition of perfect pitch?
When you throw the trombone in the dumpster and it lands on the
bagpipe and spoons.

How do you get two trombonists to play in tune?
Shoot one.

How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
20.  One to screw in the bulb, 19 to drink single malts until the
room spins.

=============================================================

From  Wed Mar 31 10:27:58 1999 -0800
Subject: Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven
Date: Wed, 31 Mar 1999 09:00:30 -0000
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 40

Forrest Gump died and went to heaven.  When he got to the 
Pearly Gates,  Saint Peter told him that new rules were in
effect.  Due to the advances, each soul must answer three
questions: 

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
 
Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered..
"The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today and 
Tomorrow."
"There are 12 seconds in a year."
"God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard." 

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy today and tomorrow, because 
even though it's not the answer I expected, your answer is 
correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year, and why do 
you think that God's first name is Andy or Howard?"

Forrest responded, "Well, there's January 2nd, February 2nd,
March 2nd..."
"OK, I give," said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first
name answer?"

Forrest said, "Well, from the song... 'Andy walks with me, Andy
talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own'? And the prayer...
'Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name'..."

Saint Peter let him in without further ado. 

==============================================================

From  Mon Mar 22 23:12:24 1999 -0800
Date: Tue, 23 Mar 1999 00:57:31 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Death by Chocolate
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 41

This elderly man was at home, dying in bed.  He smelled the
aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking.  He wanted
one last cookie before he died.  He fell out of bed, crawled to
the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen
where his wife was busily baking cookies.

With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely
able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.  As he grasped
a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his
wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

"Why?" he whispered.  "Why did you do that?"

"They are for the funeral" she replied.

{O,o}

=============================================================

From  Sat Mar 20 08:40:21 1999 -0800
Date: Sat, 20 Mar 1999 07:28:15 -0700
Subject: Warning - Greeks Bearing Gifts!
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 42

---------- Forwarded message ----------

TO: Trojan Army Listserv <Trojans-L@troy.org>
RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!

Hey Hector,

This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please
distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.

Thanks,

Laocoon

>WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
>
>IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO
>NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will
>overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!
>
>The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two
>stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and
>appears to be abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates! It
>contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming,
>including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will
>destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and
>children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN
>IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by
>the beach.
>
>FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
>
>Poseidon
>
 =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
RE: Greeks bearing gifts

Laocoon,

I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes
there is.  I've seen variants on this warning come through on
other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was
supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with
something called the "Midas Touch."

Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:

1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" stuff. If it
were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell
anyone to post it to the Phoenicians, Sumerians, and Cretans?

2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.

3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems
with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the
lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me
suspicious.

4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite
your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I
appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a
couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.

Bye now,

Hector

=============================================================

From  Sat Apr 10 05:05:03 1999 -0700
Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 06:47:27 EDT
Subject: Beyond the Bass Clef
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 43

Beyond the Bass Clef:
by Tony Levin

In the beginning there was a bass.  It was a Fender-- probably a
Precision, but it could have been a Jazz-- nobody knows.  Anyway,
it was very old... definitely pre-CBS.

And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good.  He saw
that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all
(though men would later try.)  And so He let it be and He created
a man to play the bass.

And lo, the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful
'sunburst' red, and he loved it.  He played upon the open E
string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated
throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.)  And it was
good.  And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his
handiwork.

Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. 
And lo it was funky.

And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go, man, go." And it
was good.

And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came
to practice upon the bass.  And lo, the man came to have upon him
a great set of chops.  And he did play faster and faster until
the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.

And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind,
which He had created earlier.  It also sounded something like the
movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He
was not so pleased.

And He spoke to the man, saying, "Don't do that!"

Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about
his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky
notes.  And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran
about in confusion (some of the Angels started to dance, but
that's another story.)

And God heard this-- how could He miss it-- and lo, He became
Bugged.  And He spoke to the man, and said, "Listen, man, if I
wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar.  Stick to
the bass parts."

And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with
it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high.
The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And
the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and
play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man
did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of
high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked
with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.

Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke
to the man.

And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo,
I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than
you can even think of."

"And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And
they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall
cause you to always stand next to the drummer."

"You think you are loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall
guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon
the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to
play higher and faster than the bass."

"And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all
the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the
low notes.

"And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall
say "Wow" but really they shall hate it.  And they shall tell you
you are ready for your solo career, and find other bass players
for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your
fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the
night."

"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave
the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."

And it was so.

==============================================================

From  Sun Mar 21 06:19:57 1999 -0800
Date: Sun, 21 Mar 1999 08:07:46 -0500
Subject: Dogs in the Restaurant
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 44

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a
Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to
eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've
got our dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman
Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk
in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts
on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is
my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

=============================================================

From  Thu Apr  8 18:06:06 1999 -0700
Date: Thu, 08 Apr 1999 19:51:14 -0400
Subject: A New Element is Discovered
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 45

                 A NEW ELEMENT IS DISCOVERED
                  - Submitted by J Lans
           ____________________________________

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
investigators at a major US research university. The element,
tentatively, named "ADMINISTRATIUM", appears to be very closely
related to BUREAUCRATIUM - a known deadly poison.. "

"ADMINISTRATIUM" has no protons or electrons and thus has an
atomic number of O.

Upon initial inspection, however, it does have:
   - one neutron,
   - 125 assistant neutrons,
   - 75 vice neutrons and
   - 111 assistant vice neutrons,
which together gives it an atomic mass of 312.

  PROPERTIES
  -----------
* These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves
the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called MORONS.

* It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
particles called PEONS.


Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it
can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes
in contact with.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium
causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it
would have normally occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately THREE
YEARS, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and
assistant vice neutrons exchange places.  Some studies have
shown that the atomic mass actually INCREASES after each
reorganization.


  OCCURRENCES
  -----------
Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium
occurs naturally in the atmosphere.  It tends to concentrate
at certain points such as government agencies, large
corporations, and universities.  It can usually be found in the
newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at
any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive
reaction where it is allowed to accumulate.

Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be
controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date
are not promising.

==============================================================

From  Wed Mar 17 12:26:58 1999 -0800
Date: Wed, 17 Mar 1999 14:09:18 EST
Subject: Travel Agent stories
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 46

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents: 

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair 
wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. 

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. 
I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport 
information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to 
make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."  
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly 
explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in 
Africa." Her response ... click. 

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.  I 
asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.  He 
said he was expecting an ocean-view room.  I tried to 
explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle 
of the state.  He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the 
map, and Florida is a very thin state." 

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see 
England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they 
look so close on the map." 

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in 
Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had 
a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he 
wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big 
airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to 
save time." 

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was 
possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and 
got into Chicago at 8:33am.  I tried to explain that 
Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could 
not understand the concept of time zones.  Finally, I 
told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! 

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your 
physical description on your bag so they know who's 
luggage belongs to who?" I said,"No, why do you ask?"   
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, 
they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm 
overweight, is there any connection?"  After putting her 
on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually 
laughing) I came back and explained the city code for 
Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a 
destination tag on her luggage. 

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.  
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it 
be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train 
to Hawaii?" 

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do 
I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly 
he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number 
is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on 
them." 

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola 
on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant 
to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, 
"Yeah, whatever." 

A business man called and had a question about the 
documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a 
lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him 
he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China 
many times and never had to have one of those."  I 
double checked and sure enough, his stay required a 
visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to 
China four times and every time they have accepted 
my American Express." 

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go 
from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent 
was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you 
sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights 
do you have?" replied the customer. After some 
searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, 
ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the 
country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." 
The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly.  Everyone 
knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent 
scoured a map of the state of New York and finally 
offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's 
it! I knew it was a big animal!"

=============================================================

From  Fri Apr  9 18:26:11 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 09 Apr 1999 17:09:32 -0700
Subject: Virus humour
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 47

From the weekly IDIRECT Digest.........
 
Humour: Here are some other virus warnings going around the 'Net 
  
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS Never calls itself a "virus", but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." 

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS Nothing works, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is fine. 

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of
which  claim to be the most important part of your computer. 

PARLIAMENT VIRUS The computer locks up, screen splits
erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the
other side for the problem. 

AIRLINE VIRUS You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. 

PBS VIRUS Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. 

SEARS VIRUS Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables,
power supply and a set of shocks. 

STAR TREK VIRUS Invades your system in places where no virus has
gone before. 

THE BORG VIRUS It quickly assimilates your computer, Resistance
is futile. 

TIM ALLEN VIRUS Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive 
upon contact. 

DISNEY VIRUS Everything in the computer goes Goofy. 

GRAFFITI VIRUS Makes colorful CD's and floppys. 

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS Your IBM suddenly reveals it's a MAC.

TITANIC VIRUS Makes your whole computer go down.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS Quits after one byte.

PROZAC VIRUS Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

SPICE GIRL VIRUS Has no real function, but makes a pretty
desktop.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS Saves your data, but forgets where it is
stored.

DR. KEVORKIAN VIRUS Searches your hard drive for old files and
deletes them.

AT&T VIRUS Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you
are getting.

MCI VIRUS Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too
much for the AT&T virus.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS Terminates and stays resident. It'll
be back...

==============================================================

From  Mon Apr 12 16:31:20 1999 -0700
Subject: Great Quotes... Great Thinkers
Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1999 15:13:09 -0700
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 48

Great Quotes... Great Thinkers

Question:  If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer:  "I would not live forever, because we should not live
forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we
would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I
would not live forever."
       -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over
the world, I can't help but cry.  I mean I'd love to be skinny
like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
       -- Mariah Carey

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with
the law."
       -- David Dinkins, former New York City Mayor, answering
          accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important
part of your life."
       -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
          spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
body."
       -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball
          forward.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
       -- Jason Kidd, upon his being drafted by the Dallas
          Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
We are the president."
       -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
          documents

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
       -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
       -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away
from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the
Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
       -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
       -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
       -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the
public mind."
       -- General William Westmoreland

==============================================================

From  Mon Apr 19 02:04:18 1999 -0700
Date: Mon, 19 Apr 1999 00:49:02 -0700
Subject: Re: Great Quotes... Great Thinkers
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 49

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
       -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

actually it was Yogi Berra who said "90 percent of this game is
half mental" Ozark was just misquoting Yogi

other things yogi said
" It ain't over 'til it's over "
" Never answer an anonymous letter"
" I usually take a two hour nap from one to four"
" It's deja vu all over again"
" When you come to a fork in the road....Take it "
" I didn't really say everything I said "
" You can observe a lot by watching "
" When asked what time is was......" you mean now?"
At Yogi Berra day in St Louis 1947 " I want to thank you for
making this day necessary"
" If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be "
Yogi on the 1969 NY Mets....." overwhelming underdogs "
On why NY lost the 1960 series to Pittsburgh " We made too many
wrong mistakes" 
" The future ain't what it used to be "
" It gets late early out here"

and my personal favorite:
" If the people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's
going to stop them "

==============================================================

From  Mon Apr 19 00:08:38 1999 -0700
Date: Mon, 19 Apr 1999 17:40:11 +1200
Subject: PCDAW- Effect units
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 50

Must pass on this gem from a chappy who passed it on to The
Bottom Line (bass) mailing list.

Time Distortion: Makes guitar solos seem longer. (Can also be
achieved by ineptitude.)

Blame shifter: Shifts the pitch of mistakes down one octave so
that the audience thinks it was the bass player.

Depander: Filters out popular cover songs.

Overjive: Makes Hootie songs sound like Parliament.

Active Pickups: Amplifies "signals" sent to attractive audience 
members.

Fluff Box: Filters out excessive musical substance.

Rehash: Stores and plays back your favorite riffs constantly and
forever.

Feedback Eliminator: Drowns out "constructive criticism."

Band Pass Filter: Eliminates sexual advances between band
members.

Depressor: Changes any chord to E minor.

Paralytic Equalizer: Makes you as good as other guitarists by
injecting them with nerve toxins.

TS-1 (talent stretcher): all the above effects in one convenient
pedal-pack.

==============================================================

From  Tue Apr 13 10:23:50 1999 -0700
Subject: Will that be to go??
Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 09:05:59 -0700
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 51

This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas
web site by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor.

The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humor) - and
made the web department take it down immediately.

---------------------------------------------------------
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. 
In order to protect your new investment, please take a few
moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. 
Answering the survey questions is not required, but the
information will help us to develop new products that best meet
your needs and desires.

1.  [_] Mr.   [_] Mrs.     [_] Ms.     [_] Miss  [_]Lt.  [_]
Gen.   [_]
Comrade  [_] Classified  [_] Other

First Name:.....................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name:......................................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name:......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude:  
...........  ...........  ..........

2.  Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3.  Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day):  
19....... /....... /.......

4. Serial Number:.................................

5.  Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6.  Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7.  Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8.  Please check the location(s) where this product will be
used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq

9.  Please check the products that you currently own or intend
to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10.  How would you describe yourself or your organization?
   (Check all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11.  How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check

12.  Your occupation
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13.  To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please
indicate the interests and activities in which you and your
spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. 
Your answers will be used in market studies that will help
McDonnell  Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as
allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other
companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious
consortia.  As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be
registered to win a brand new F-117A in our DesertThunder
Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?  Please write
to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division

==============================================================

From  Thu Apr 15 09:55:56 1999 -0700
Date: Thu, 15 Apr 1999 20:35:04 -0700
Subject: Carlin
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 52

Here's some George Carlin to get you thinking.

Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your
bills now?  Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to
stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them.  I put
garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana
peels... I write, "Could you throw this away for me, please?
Thank you."

Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was
for. 
 Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married'
(walked off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take
off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of
your clothes.

Cripes:
My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. 
 They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that
be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy
Moly'.
I'm not making fun of it -  You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up
aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we
want you.  And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the
way I look in the morning?'
 It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near
our optic nerve.

Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy
Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that
way, do you? Out there entering wet shawl contests. Makes you
wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house
each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a
few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already
have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room
and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve
hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they
don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to
the generator.

Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have
awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of
commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the
whole thing.

Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different
issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't
know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... They're voting
"I don't know."
"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into
phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud).  Sometimes you
have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." 
This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (into
phone) "I'm not in the mood."

Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on
someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out
enjoying it right now.  I hope you are too. The thought for the
day is 'Share the love.'" Beep." "Uh, yeah... this is the VD
clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back.
Stop sharing the love."

==============================================================

From  Sun Apr 11 09:18:59 1999 -0700
Date: Sun, 11 Apr 1999 11:01:35 EDT
Subject: Job Application
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 53

McDonald's Fast Food Job Application:

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a
McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM!  Good for
them.

NAME:  Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION:  Reclining.  But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a
Michael Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible
make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:  Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:  A target for middle management hostility.

SALARY:  Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen
pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited
to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be
here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:  50 lbs. of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question here
would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when I'm set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in the
Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like to be
doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:  Scorpio with Libra rising.

==============================================================

From  Wed Apr 21 14:49:11 1999 -0700
Date: Wed, 21 Apr 1999 13:32:46 -0700
Subject: Think about it  Saludos de Miami
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 54

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal
Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.
Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The
American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and
asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch
more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate
needs.

The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of
your time?

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play
with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into
the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my
amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you.
You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a
bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy
several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing
boats.Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell
directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery.
You would control the product, processing and distribution. You
would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move
to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run
your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all
take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

But what then, senor?

The American laughed and said that's the best part. When the
time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company
stock to the public and become very rich, you would make
millions.

Millions, senor? Then what?

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small
coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a
little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll
to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play
your guitar with your amigos.

==============================================================

From  Wed Apr 21 14:46:49 1999 -0700
Date: Wed, 21 Apr 1999 13:30:24 -0700
Subject: kids' opinions on marriage
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 55

Kids say the darndest things.   

HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
 "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails
 means you try the next one."
 Kally, age 9

 "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.  Like if
you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming."   Allan, age 10

 "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
 to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find
out later who you're stuck with."   Kirsten, age 10

WHAT'S THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
FOREVER by then!"    Cam, age 10

 "No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to
get married!"     Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
 "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
 Eddie, age 6

 "You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids."  Derrick, age 8

 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
 "Both don't want no more kids."  Lori, age 8

 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen
long enough."  Lynnette, age 8

 "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." 
Martin, age 10

 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
 newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead 
columns."  Craig, age 9

 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich!"   Pam, age 7

 "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
mess with that."    Curt, age 7

 "The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them  and have kids with them.... It's the right thing to
do." Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing: I'm
 never going to have sex with my wife.  I don't want to be all 
grossed out!" Theodore, age 8

  "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys
need somebody to clean up after them!"  Anita, age 9

"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want
to change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd 
figure something out.  I'd just phone my mother and have her
come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."  Kirsten, age 10

WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE FOR A YOUNG COUPLE ABOUT TO BE MARRIED?
 "The first thing I'd say to them is: 'Listen up, youngins... I
got something to say to you.   Why in the heck do you wanna get
married, anyway?'"   Craig, age 9

 WHAT PROMISES DO A MAN AND A WOMAN MAKE WHEN THEY GET MARRIED?
"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness
and diseases together."
  Marlon, age 10

 WHAT WOULD YOU SUGGEST TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK
 "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a
 truck!"     Ricky, age 7

 "If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of
sexy clothes.... Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a
few diamonds on it."    Lori, age 8

 ABOUT GETTING MARRIED FOR A SECOND TIME
 "Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one
to find a live one."    Angie L., age 10

 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
 Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing
after us just the same as they do now!"  Roberta, age 7

==============================================================

From  Wed Apr 21 14:44:26 1999 -0700
Subject: Irate
Date: Wed, 21 Apr 1999 07:05:40 -0700 (PDT)
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 56

  IRATE

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate 
customer, this one is for you.

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in 
Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when 
confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as
baggage.
 
A crowded United flight was canceled.  A single agent was
rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.  
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE
to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS!"

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir.  I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll
be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed.  He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who 
I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone.  "May I have your attention please?" she
began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal.  "We have a
passenger  here at the gate who does not know who he is.  If
anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F***
you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but
you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

==============================================================

From  Wed Aug 12 09:45:05 1998 -0800
Date: Wed, 12 Aug 1998 09:45:04 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: The Bill Gates Car
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 57

The Bill Gates Car

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry
has, we would all be driving 25 cars that got 1000 miles to the
gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft,
we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have
to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason,
and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case
you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
"Car95" or 'CarNT" but then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but
would only run on 5% of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would
be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock
you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift
the door handle, turn the key, and grab hold of the radio
antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set
of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they
neither need them or want them. Attempting to delete this option
would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50%
or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by
the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls
would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

===============================================================

From  Tue Jun  2 06:00:30 1998 -0800
Date: Tue, 02 Jun 1998 06:45:38 -0700
Subject: Reasons to keep an open mind
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 58

Reasons to keep an open mind
 
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
     --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
     science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
     --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and
talked with the best people, and I can assure  you that data
processing is a fad that won't last out the  year."
     --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice  Hall,
     1957

"But what ... is it good for?"
     --Engineer  at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of
     IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would  want a computer in their home."
     --Ken Olson, president,  chairman and founder of Digital
     Equipment Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently
of no value to us."
     --Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.  Who
would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
     --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
     investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is  interesting and well-formed, but in order to
earn better than a  'C,' the idea must be feasible."
     --A Yale University management professor in response to
     Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery
     service.
     (Smith went  on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to  hear actors talk?"
     --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face 
and not Gary Cooper."
     --Gary Cooper on his decision not  to take the leading role
     in "Gone With The Wind."

"A  cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research
reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy
cookies like you make."
     --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields'
     Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
     --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the  Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
     --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment.
The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
     --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique
     adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"So we  went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing
thing, even  built with some of your parts, and what do you think
about funding us?  Or we'll give it to you.  We just want to do
it.  Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.'  And they said,
'No.'  So  then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey,
we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
     --Apple  Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get
     Atari and  HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal
     computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action  and
reaction and the need to have something better than a  vacuum
against which to react. He seems to lack the basic  knowledge
ladled out daily in high schools."
     --1921 New  York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
     revolutionary  rocket work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle  development
across all of your muscles?  It can't be done.  It's  just a fact
of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development
as an unalterable condition of weight training."
     --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable"
     problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find
oil? You're crazy."
     --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his
     project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like  a permanently high
plateau."
     --Irving Fisher, Professor of  Economics, Yale University,
     1929.

"Airplanes are interesting  toys but of no military value."
     --Marechal Ferdinand Foch,  Professor of Strategy, Ecole
     Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
     --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents,
     1899.

===============================================================

From  Tue Jan  5 20:47:16 1999 -0800
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 22:30:29 EST
Subject: Instructions for Microsoft Frozen Dinners
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 59


Instructions for Microsoft Frozen Dinners 

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not
give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
infringement of Microsoft's rights).
You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and
are encouraged to tell them how good it is. 

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes:
\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// 

Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.


If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The
oven will set itself and cook the dinner. 

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients
of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the
dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The
oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly
to your specification. 

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case
your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove
the dinner from the oven and enter
ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap.
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the
microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work,
contact your hardware vendor. 

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big,
larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments,
most of which are empty.
These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit
in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. 

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another
variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you
really don't want another variety.
Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. 

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions
of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the
larger family size.
Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved
only in Microsoft approved packaging. 

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98.
However, that version has yet to be released. Users have
permission to get thrilled in advance. 

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the
freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature,
not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted
anyway. 

=================================================================

From  Mon Jan 25 10:35:49 1999 -0800
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1999 12:22:02 -0500
Subject: How To Overproduce a Rock Record
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 60

HOW TO OVERPRODUCE A ROCK RECORD!

First, spend about a month on "preproduction", making sure that
everything is completely planned out so that no spontaneity is
necessary or possible in the studio.

If there are no "hits" there, make