Date:  Sun, 14 Jun 1998 14:17:47 -0400
Subject:  Who's on First?


Abbott and Costello's "Who's on First?"
***************************************
Abbott:     Alright, now whaddya want?

Costello:     Now look, I'm the head of the sports department.  I
gotta know the baseball players' names.  Do you know the guys'
names?

Abbott:     Oh sure.

Costello:     So you go ahead and tell me some of their names.

Abbott:     Well, I'll introduce you to the boys.  You know
sometimes nowadays they give ballplayers peculiar names.

Costello:     You mean funny names.

Abbott:     Nicknames, pet names, like Dizzy Dean -

Costello:     His brother Daffy -

Abbott:     Daffy Dean -

Costello:     And their cousin!

Abbott:     Who's that?

Costello:     Goofy!

Abbott:     Goofy, huh?  Now let's see.  We have on the bags - we
have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.

Costello:     That's what I wanna find out.

Abbott:     I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't
Know's on third -

Costello:     You know the fellows' names?

Abbott:     Certainly!

Costello:     Well then who's on first?

Abbott:     Yes!

Costello:     I mean the fellow's name!

Abbott:     Who!

Costello:     The guy on first!

Abbott:     Who!

Costello:     The first baseman!

Abbott:     Who!

Costello:     The guy playing first!

Abbott:     Who is on first!

Costello:     Now whaddya askin' me for?

Abbott:     I'm telling you Who is on first.

Costello:     Well, I'm asking YOU who's on first!

Abbott:     That's the man's name.

Costello:     That's who's name?

Abbott:     Yes.

Costello:     Well go ahead and tell me.

Abbott:     Who.

Costello:     The guy on first.

Abbott:     Who!

Costello:     The first baseman.

Abbott:     Who is on first!

Costello:     Have you got a contract with the first baseman?

Abbott:     Absolutely.

Costello:     Who signs the contract?

Abbott:     Well, naturally!

Costello:     When you pay off the first baseman every month, who
gets the money?

Abbott:     Every dollar.  Why not?  The man's entitled to it.

Costello:     Who is?

Abbott:     Yes.  Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Costello:     Who's wife?

Abbott:     Yes.

Costello:     All I'm tryin' to find out is what's the guy's name
on first base.

Abbott:     Oh, no - wait a minute, don't switch 'em around. 
What is on second base.

Costello:     I'm not askin' you who's on second.

Abbott:     Who is on first.

Costello:     I don't know.

Abbott:     He's on third - now we're not talkin' 'bout him.

Costello:     Now, how did I get on third base?

Abbott:     You mentioned his name!

Costello:     If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I
say is playing third?

Abbott:     No - Who's playing first.

Costello:     Never mind first - I wanna know what's the guy's
name on third.

Abbott:     No - What's on second.

Costello:     I'm not askin' you who's on second.

Abbott:     Who's on first.

Costello:     I don't know.

Abbott:     He's on third.

Costello:     Aaah!  Would you please stay on third base and
don't go off it?

Abbott:     What was it you wanted?

Costello:     Now who's playin' third base?

Abbott:     Now why do you insist on putting Who on third base?

Costello:     Why?  Who am I putting over there?

Abbott:     Yes.  But we don't want him there.

Costello:     What's the guy's name on third base?

Abbott:     What belongs on second.

Costello:     I'm not askin' you who's on second.

Abbott:     Who's on first.

Costello:     I don't know.

Abbott & Costello:    THIRD BASE!

Costello:     You got an outfield?

Abbott:     Oh yes!

Costello:     The left fielder's name?

Abbott:     Why.

Costello:     I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you.

Abbott:     Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

Costello:     Alright, then tell me who's playin' left field.

Abbott:     Who is playing fir-

Costello:     STAY OUTTA THE INFIELD!  I wanna know what's the
left fielder's name.

Abbott:     What's on second.

Costello:     I'm not askin' you who's on second.

Abbott:     Who's on first.

Costello:     I don't know.

Abbott & Costello:   THIRD BASE!

Costello:     The left fielder's name?

Abbott:     Why.

Costello:     Because!

Abbott:     Oh, he's center field.

Costello:     Look, you gotta pitcher on this team?

Abbott:     Now wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.

Costello:     The pitcher's name.

Abbott:     Tomorrow.

Costello:     You don't wanna tell me today?

Abbott:     I'm tellin' you now.

Costello:     Then go ahead.

Abbott:     Tomorrow.

Costello:     What time?

Abbott:     What time what?

Costello:     What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's
pitching?

Abbott:     Now listen.  Who is not pitching.  Who is on fir-

Costello:     I'll break your arm if you say Who's on first.  I
wanna know what's the pitcher's name.

Abbott:     What's on second.

Costello:     I don't know.

Abbott & Costello:   THIRD BASE!

Costello:     You got a catcher?

Abbott:     Oh, absolutely.

Costello:     The catcher's name.

Abbott:     Today.

Costello:     Today.  And Tomorrow's pitching.

Abbott:     Now you've got it.

Costello:     All we've got is a couple of days on the team.

Abbott:     Well, I can't help that.

Costello:     Well, I'm a catcher too.

Abbott:     I know that.

Costello:     Now suppose that I'm catching, Tomorrow's pitching
on my team and their heavy hitter gets up.

Abbott:     Yes.

Costello:     Tomorrow throws the ball. The batter bunts the
ball.  When he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I wanna
throw the guy out at first base.  So I pick up the ball and throw
it to who?

Abbott:     Now that's the first thing you've said right.

Costello:     I don't even know what I'm talkin' about!

Abbott:     Well, that's all you have to do.

Costello:     Is to throw the ball to first base.

Abbott:     Yes.

Costello:     Now who's got it?

Abbott:     Naturally!

Costello:     If I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta
catch it.  Now who caught it?

Abbott:     Naturally!

Costello:     Who caught it?

Abbott:     Naturally.

Costello:     Who?

Abbott:     Naturally!

Costello:     Naturally.

Abbott:     Yes.

Costello:     So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

Abbott:     NO, NO, NO!  You throw the ball to first base and Who
gets it?

Costello:     Naturally.

Abbott:     That's right.  There we go.

Costello:     So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

Abbott:     You don't!

Costello:     I throw it to who?

Abbott:     Naturally.

Costello:     THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!

Abbott:     You're not saying it that way.

Costello:     I said I throw the ball to Naturally.

Abbott:     You don't - you throw the ball to Who?

Costello:     Naturally!

Abbott:     Well, say that!

Costello:     THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!  I throw the ball to who?

Abbott:     Naturally.

Costello:     Ask me.

Abbott:     You throw the ball to Who?

Costello:     Naturally.

Abbott:     That's it.

Costello:     SAME AS YOU!!  I throw the ball to first base and
who gets it?

Abbott:     Naturally!

Costello:     Who has it?

Abbott:     Naturally!

Costello:     HE BETTER HAVE IT!  I throw the ball to first base.

Whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second.  Who
picks up the ball and throws it to What, What throws it to I
Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow - triple
play.

Abbott:     Yes.

Costello:    Another guy gets up - it's a long fly ball to
Because.  Why? I don't know.  He's on third and I don't give a
darn!

Abbott:     What was that?

Costello:     I said I don't give a darn!

Abbott:     Oh, that's our shortstop.


==============================================================

Date:  Fri, 25 Dec 1998 12:42:21 -0500
Subject:  Things never said in the theatre
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 3

Things never said in the theatre


BY THE STAGE MANAGER:
... It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress
    rehearsal.
... Take your time getting back from break.
... We've been ready for hours.
... No, I called that perfectly the first time - let's move on.
... The headsets are working perfectly.
... The cue lights are working perfectly.
... The orchestra has no complaints.
... The whole company is standing by whenever you want them.
... That didn't take long.
... No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE PRODUCER:
... Of course there's enough money to go around.
... We have money left over.
... No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE DIRECTOR:
... Wow, the designers were right on, weren't they?
... No, today is the tech rehearsal, we'll re-work that scene
    later.
... I think the scene changes are too fast.
... Of course I think that we'll be ready in time for opening.
... The crew? Why they're just wonderful!
... No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE DESIGNERS:
... Of course all of my drawings were turned in on time.
... Yes, it absolutely is my fault that the set looks awful.
... You know, you might have a point there.
... The director knows best, obviously I wasn't giving him what
    he wants.
... We have too many gel colors in stock, I can't choose.
... Of course the shop will have the costumes ready on time.
... No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE TD:
... This is the most complete and informative set of drawings
    I've ever seen
... We built it right the first time.
... No problem, I'll deal with that right away.
... I love designers.
... No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE ACTOR:
... Don't... Let's not talk about me.
... I really think my big scene should be cut.
... This costume is SO comfortable.
... I love my shoes.
... No problem. I can do that for myself.
... I have a fantastic agent.
... Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.
... I'm sure someone told me there was a wall here, I just
    forgot.
... Without the crew the show would never run - let's thank them.
... No thanks, I don't drink.




BY THE STAGE CREW:
... That instrument is not in the way.
... There's room for that over here.
... We'll get in early tomorrow to do it.
... No, no. I'm sure that is our job.
... Anything I can do to help?
... All the tools are carefully locked away.
... Can we do that scene change again please?
... It's a marvelous show.
... I don't need this many on the crew.
... No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE THEATER MANAGER:
... No, please.  That's far too much rent.
... Let me buy you a drink.


==============================================================

Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 21:38:21 +1300
Subject: The big 'List' problem
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 4


The big 'List' problem

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change
   a light bulb?
A: 1,393:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the
  light bulb has been changed...
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how
   the light bulb could have been changed differently,
4 to complain that they were happy with the old one,
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs,
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing
   light bulbs,
53 to flame the spell checkers,
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the
    light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail
    list,
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames,
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please
    take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb,
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
    alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped,
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use
    light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this
    mail list,
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior,
    where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs
    work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty,
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light
   bulbs,
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post
   corrected URLs,
12 to flame the AOL users for violating netiqeutte and blame them
   for starting this whole thing,
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that "are relevant
  to this list, which makes light bulbs relevant to this list,"
45 posts about whether or not AOL should even be allowed to
   exist, 
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including
   all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too,"
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they
   cannot handle the light bulb controversy,
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three,"
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ, 
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup,
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for,
   leave it here,
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

================================================================

Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 22:30:29 EST
Subject:  You know you are if....
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 5


You know you are an engineer or computer geek if.......

...at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one
to find the burned out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.

...choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or spending money
to upgrade the RAM in your computer is a moral dilemma.

...everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck gazing at the
scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.

...in college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue
failure.

...the Salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any
of your questions.

...you are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are
falling.

...you bought your wife a new CD ROM drive for her birthday.

...you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

...you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own
handwriting.

...you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and
parallel.

...you go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the
chairs to see how they do the special effects.

...you have saved every power cord from all your broken
appliances.

...you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

...you know what http:// stands for.

...you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids'
toys.

...you see a good design and still have to change it.

...you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding
ring.

...you still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.

...you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they
didn't get enough sleep.

...you window shop at Radio Shack.

...you're both in the back-seat of your car, she's looking
wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a
geosynchronous satellite.

...your laptop computer costs more than your car.

...your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

...you've already calculated how much you make per second.

...you've tried to repair a $5 radio.

================================================================

Date: Sun, 10 Jan 1999 13:12:35 EST
Subject: Words to the Wise
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 6


WORDS TO THE WISE

1. I started out with nothing....I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
9. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
10. I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through..
12. It was all so different before everything changed.
13. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
14. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay
    resident.
15. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
16. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few...
17. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back
    seat cause kids.
18. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden
    stop at the end.
19. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
20. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if
    you're in the bathroom.
22. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on
    my knees.
23. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone
    else decide to play chess?
24. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your
    seat belt.
25. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
26. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
    die.
27. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

=================================================================

Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1999 23:24:52 EST
Subject: Things the movies teach you...
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 8


THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES


During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a
stripclub at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying
beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
Bread.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding
place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you
can travel to any other part of the building you want without
difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more
ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out
a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always
be the exact fare.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always
say: Enter Password Now.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family
every morning even though their husband and children never have
time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and
pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or
ending phone conversations.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large
red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you
are visiting.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump
into will know all the steps.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner
until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they
will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic
eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in
seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child
trapped inside.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects
you personally at that precise moment.

When running to a car in a hurry, the keys are always in the
ignition and starts right up.

Unless they're being chased, then the person always falls, drops
their keys and/or can't get the key in the car door -- but
miraculously manages to put the key in the ignition on the first
try.

The police will always shoot at the people driving the car they
are chasing and never hit them - and they will never shoot at the
tires.

================================================================

Date: Fri, 29 Jan 1999 01:43:53 EST
Subject:  Too Much of the Nineties
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 9


Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's : 

22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags
    out of the back seat of your car.
21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they
    do not have e-mail addresses.
20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your
    bookmarks.
19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and
    bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get
    crossed off. 
18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and
    capital gains.
16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing
    cabinet.
13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it
    notes.
12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some
    of the products don't even exist any more.
11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to
    improve their process.
10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear
    sweats to work.
9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as
   deliverables. 
8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for
   a living.
7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most
   expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing
   a project" are acceptable English phrases.
5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your
   next door neighbors.
4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making
   Friday night plans.
3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put
   his ideas into a matrix.
2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's: 

1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
     
==============================================================

Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1999 22:13:11 EST
Subject: Concerns for Baby Boomers
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 10

Concerns for Baby Boomers:

Then:  Long hair.
Now:   Longing for hair.

Then:  Keg
Now:   EKG.

Then:  Acid rock
Now:   Acid reflux.

Then:  Moving to California because it's cool.
Now:   Moving to California because it's hot.

Then:  You're growing pot.
Now:   Your growing pot.

Then:  Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now:   Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

Then:  Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now:   Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then:  Seeds and stems.
Now:   Roughage.

Then:  Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now:   Popping joints.

Then:  The US President's struggle with Fidel.
Now:   The US President's struggle with fidelity.

Then:  Paar.
Now:   AARP.

Then:  Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now:   Being caught by Hustler magazine.

Then:  Killer weed.
Now:   Weed killer.

Then:  The Grateful Dead.
Now:   Dr. Kevorkian.

Then:  Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now:   Getting a new hip joint.

Then:  Being called into the principal's office
Now:   Storming into the principal's office

Then:  Peace Sign
Now:   Mercedes Logo

Then:  Getting your head stoned
Now:   Getting your headstone

Then:  "Going blind"
Now:   REALLY going blind

Then:  Worrying about no one coming to your party
Now:   Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

Then:  Fighting to get rid of the lying President
Now:   Fighting to keep the lying President

Then:  The perfect high
Now:   The perfect hightailed mutual fund

Then:  Elvis in the army
Now:   Elvis in a UFO

Then:  Swallowing acid
Now:   Swallowing antacid

Then:  Passing the driving test
Now:   Passing the vision test

Then:  Whatever...
Now:   Depends

Then:  Ommmmmm
Now:   Ummmmm

================================================================

From  Mon Feb 22 13:40:38 1999 -0800
Date: Mon, 22 Feb 1999 15:17:28 EST
Subject: Hot Air Balloon Navigation
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 11

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.
He reduces height and spots a man down below.

He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you
help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes.  You are in a hot air balloon, hovering
approximately 30 feet above this field.  You are between 40 and
42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W.
longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man, "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is
technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you
are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to
keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.  The fact is you
are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now
it is somehow my fault."

================================================================

From  Thu Feb 25 21:11:57 1999 -0800
Date: Thu, 25 Feb 1999 22:54:50 -0500
Subject: Quaylisms......
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 12

Recently, Dan Quayle announced his intentions to run for
President of the U.S. in 2000.  Since the average attention span
in the U.S. is about as long as the average sitcom, and since
many younger voters may not have been watching the news when
these were said the first time, we provide you with this list of
famous Quayle quotes.  Enjoy.
     
     
"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific.  It
is in the Pacific.  It is a part of the United States that is an
island that is right here."
     Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989
     
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I
have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could
converse with those people."
     J. Danforth Quayle
     
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
     J. Danforth Quayle
     
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a
mother and child."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the
same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen
pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water.  If there
is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we
can breathe."
     Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89
     
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is
being very wasteful. How true that is."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
(this was part of his address to the United Negro College Fund -
whose slogan is "a mind is a terrible thing to waste")
     
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I
mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century.
I didn't live in this century."
     Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
     
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom
and democracy - but that could change."
     Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89
     
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice
president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
     Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89
     
"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world." 
  -- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy]
     
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
     
"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good
judgements in the Future."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"The future will be better tomorrow."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the
world."
     Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88
     
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive
positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
     Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson,  1/17/89
     
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We
have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"Public speaking is very easy."
     Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88
     
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to
the polls."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the
riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and
simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. 
Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not
having it."
     Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire,
     8/92)
     
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not
occur."
     Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90
     
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
     Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90
     
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children."
     Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90
     
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that
Dan Quayle may or may not make."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten
you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
     Vice President Dan Quayle
     
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
     Vice President Dan Quayle

================================================================

From  Sat Feb 27 12:01:55 1999 -0800
Date: Sat, 27 Feb 1999 13:45:27 EST
Subject: Jesus and Satan
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 13

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better 
programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come 
to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. 
They set themselves before their computers and  begin.

They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, 
for several hours straight.  Seconds before the end of the 
competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the
electricity.  Moments later, the power is restored, and
God announces that the contest is over.   

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.  Satan is visibly
upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power
went out."  "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus
fared any better."Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes
to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir
pour forth from the speakers. 

Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost
everything, yet Jesus' program is intact.  How did he do it?"  

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

================================================================

From  Mon Mar  1 19:43:26 1999 -0800
Date: Mon, 01 Mar 1999 18:29:58 -0800
Subject: Y to K
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 14


To:   Y to K Coordinator
Re:   Y to K conversion

The team has finally completed the three years of work on time
and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every
program for all systems.  We have analyzed every database and
data file, including backups and historic archives, and modified
the data to reflect the conversion of Ys to Ks.

We are proud to report that we have completed the Y to K
conversion work.  We have now implemented the changes in all
programs and data to reflect the following new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August,
September, October, November, December and...

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this modification is satisfactory, because to be
honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to us.
But we understand that it is a global problem, and the team is
glad to help in any way possible.

By the way, what does the year 2000 have to do with it? 

Speaking of which, what do you think we should do next year when
the two-digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?

We will wait for your direction.

Regards,

Team Leader
Y to K coordinating team

===============================================================

From  Fri Mar  5 21:04:58 1999 -0800
Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1999 19:49:56 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Acronym update
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 15

So it's been a while since I talked about acronyms. 
I thought some might want a condensed version. (Plus some others
have come up recently.)

*General Net Acronyms*

IIRC - "If I remember correctly"
LOL - "laughing out loud"
ROFL  - "rolling on floor laughing"
ROTFLOL!!!! - combination of above
ROTFLMAO - "Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off..."
YMMV - "Your Mileage May Vary" (i.e. you may have other
experiences which may contradict what I've said)
DAMHIKIJKOK? - "Don't Ask Me How I Know I Just Know, OK?"
HTH - "Hope That Helps"
JM.02  - "Just My 2 Cents" (and lots of variations)
ATSL - "along the same lines"
TIA - "thanks in advance"
SBTBF - "standing by to be flamed"
IMO - "in my opinion"
IMHO - "in my humble opinion"
IMNSHO - "In my not so humble opinion"

*Some Rather Obtuse Ones*
CCBS   - "close cover before striking"
ERFD  - "eat rice for dinner"

*Acronyms Designed to Avoid Net Censors*
DFAMHIFKIJFKOFK!?! - See above
FIIK -  "fart if i know"
RTFM - "Read The Fine Manual"
SSDD - "same stuff different day"
OSRIC- "Oh Shoot ! Run In Circles!"
FUBAR - "Fouled Up beyond any/all repair"
FUITH - "Fouled up in the head"
TARFU:  "Things are really fouled up!"

*Wisely Undefined*
BCH and a RCH

*Newish*
ISTR - I Seem to Recall
PITA - Pain In The Ass
VBEG
HTN


TAFN (That's all for now)
Mark Lewandowski
Production Manager
Rosebud School of the Arts
Rosebud, AB CANADA

===============================================================

From  Sun Mar  7 18:06:04 1999 -0800
Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 19:47:39 -0500
Subject: Saskatchewan Temperature Conversion
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 16

Saskatchewan Temperature Conversion Guide
10C = Vancouverites try to turn on the heat. Saskatchewanians
      plant gardens.
5C = Victorians shiver uncontrollably. Regina people sunbathe.
3C = Italian cars won't start. Regina people drive with the
     windows down.
0C = Distilled water freezes. Regina water gets thicker.
-5C = Torontonians wear coats, gloves and wool hats.
      Saskatchewanians throw on a t-shirt.
-10C = Quebecers begin to evacuate the province. Saskatchewanians
      go swimming (Waskimo!).
-20C = Toronto landlords finally turn up the heat.
       Saskatchewanians have the last cookout before it gets
       cold.
-25C = People in Vancouver cease to exist. Saskatonians lick
       flagpoles.
-30C = Calgarians fly away to Mexico. Regina people throw on a
       light jacket.
-40C = Hamilton disintegrates. Regina people rent some videos.
-60C = Mount St. Helens freezes. Regina Girl Guides begin selling
       cookies door to door.
-80C = Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Saskatoon Boy
       Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets
       cold enough.
-100C = Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Regina people pull
        down their earflaps.
-114C = Ethyl alcohol freezes. Regina people get frustrated when
        they can't thaw the keg.
-183C = Microbial life survives in dairy products. Saskatchewan
        cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
-273C = ALL atomic motion stops. Saskatchewan people start
        saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
-300C = Hell freezes over. The Saskatchewan Roughriders win the
        Grey Cup!!

=================================================================

From  Fri Mar 12 23:34:32 1999 -0800
Date: Sat, 13 Mar 1999 01:18:13 EST
Subject: The New Math
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 17

A history of Math education as illustrated in the logging
industry...

Teaching Math in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:

A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. 
The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one
dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M".
The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than
set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer
the following question:
What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of
production is $80 and her profit is $20. 
Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 

Teaching Math in 1990:

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: How did the forest
birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There
are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996:

By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock
price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the
CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital
gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997:

A company outsources all of its loggers. The firm saves on
benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging
work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by
the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice
retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger
charges $50 an hour.
Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998:

A laid-off logger with four kids at home and an alimony from his
first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate
offices and goes berserk, shooting 16 executives, and even a
politician who was visiting the premises.  Was outsourcing the
loggers a good move for the company?

Teaching Math in 1999:

A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom prison for shooting
several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to
work on Y2K projects.
What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open
on January 1, 2000 and let all the prisoners out?

=================================================================

From  Mon Mar 15 10:30:07 1999 -0800
Subject: Computer gender
Date: Mon, 15 Mar 99 12:19:05 -0500
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 18

A man who had previously been a sailor, was very aware that
ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what
gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he
set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of
women, and the second of men.

Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be
referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They
were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred
to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
   time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had 
   waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be
referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
   computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
   later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
   spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

=============================================================

From  Fri Mar 19 15:47:48 1999 -0800
Subject: Oxymorons
Date: Fri, 19 Mar 1999 14:33:00 -0800
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 19

 Top 50 OXYMORONS:
 
 50. Act naturally
 49. Found missing
 48. Resident alien
 47. Advanced BASIC
 46. Genuine imitation
 45. Airline food
 44. Good grief
 43. Same difference
 42. Almost exactly
 41. Government organization
 40. Sanitary landfill
 39. Alone together
 38. Legally drunk
 37. Silent scream
 36. American history
 35. Living dead
 34. Small crowd
 33. Business ethics
 32. Soft rock
 31. Butt head
 30. Military intelligence
 29. Software documentation
 28. New York culture
 27. New classic
 26. Sweet sorrow
 25. Childproof
 24. "Now, then..."
 23. Synthetic natural gas
 22. Christian Scientists
 21. Passive aggression
 20. Taped live
 19. Clearly misunderstood
 18. Peace force
 17. Extinct life
 16. Temporary tax increase
 15. Computer jock
 14. Plastic glasses
 13. Terribly pleased
 12. Computer security
 11. Political science
 10. Tight slacks
 9. Definite maybe
 8. Pretty ugly
 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
 6. Diet ice cream
 5. Rap music
 4. Working vacation
 3. Exact estimate
 2. Religious tolerance
 
 and the number one OXY-moron
 1. Microsoft Works
 
=============================================================

From  Fri Mar 19 11:45:32 1999 -0800
Subject: Funnies
Date: Fri, 19 Mar 1999 10:19:39 -0000
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 20

The friars were behind on their payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise the funds. Everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, so the rival florist across town
thought this competition was unfair.
 
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. 
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. 
He then asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of
business.  They ignored her, too.
 
So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and
most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.  Hugh
beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back
if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby
proving that . . .
 
  Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 
_____________________

AIRLINE FUNNIES

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
"in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit
more entertaining.
 Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane..."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must
smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you
to the wing of the airplane..

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught
smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane
immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I
am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move
about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we
land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it
affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.
We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in
front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve
luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on
the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video
surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any
passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes
to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as
they leave the aircraft."

As the plane landed and as coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because,
after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other
seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.  In the event of a
sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from 
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the  mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs.  If you are traveling
with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you,
and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
Southwest Airlines."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.
I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and
visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or
spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and
said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't
the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it
was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on
a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the  Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your
seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door
while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for
flying XYZ airline."
He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for
this little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, "Sonny, mind
if I ask you a question?"  "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what
is it?"  The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot
down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
Attendant came  on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in
your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the
aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the
tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,  we'll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to
the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you
get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US
Airways."

And, finally, when I was the only passenger on a transcontinental
flight in a 747 (!) the captain's preflight announcement began:
"Good morning, Sir...."
  
=============================================================

From  Mon Mar 15 10:46:58 1999 -0800
Date: Mon, 15 Mar 1999 12:31:19 EST
Subject: L.A. Driver's License
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 21


OBTAINING AN L.A. DRIVER'S LICENSE... 
 
Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in L.A., you
may not have realized that the California Department of Motor
Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test
solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.  Here it is below: 

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION: 

Name: ____________________ 

Stage name: __________________________ 

Agent's Name:  __________________________ 

Attorney's Name:  _______________________ 

Actual Age: _____ Admitted Age: _____ 

Sex:  [ ] male              [ ] female 
      [ ] formerly male     [ ] formerly female 
      [ ] both              [ ] neither 

If female, indicate breast implant size:  _______ 

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely 
operate a motor vehicle in any way?  Yes [ ]  No [ ] 

Occupation: 
    [ ]  Lawyer 
    [ ]  Actor/Waiter 
    [ ]  Film-maker/Self-employed 
    [ ]  Writer 
    [ ]  Car Dealer 
    [ ]  Pan-handler 
    [ ]  Agent 
    [ ]  Hooker/Transvestite 
    [ ]  Other; please explain: ___________________________ 

Please list brand of cell phone:  ________________________ 
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.) 

Please check hair color: 
    Females:     [  ] Blonde    [  ]   Platinum  Blonde 
    Teenagers:   [  ] Purple    [  ]   Blue      [  ] Skin-head 
    Men: Please list shade of hair plugs ________________ 

Please indicate if you have Automobile Insurance: 
    [ ] Yes [ ] No 

If Yes, please explain: 

Please check activities you perform while driving (Check all that
apply): 
   [ ] Eating a wrap 
   [ ] Applying make-up 
   [ ] Talking on the phone 
   [ ] Slapping kids in the back seat 
   [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs 
   [ ] Tanning 
   [X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)

   [ ] Watching TV 
   [ ] Reading Variety 
   [ ] Surfing the net via laptop 
   [ ] Reading a book or other Newspaper 

Please indicate how many times: 
    a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, _____ 
    b) and how many times you expect to be shot at while driving 
       ____. 

If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately: 
    a) [ ] Call the police to report the crime; 
    b) [ ] Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch
       your TV; 
    c) [ ] Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against
       cellular phone company for 911 call not going through; 
    d) [ ] Call your therapist; 
    e) [ ] None of the above (South Central residents only). 

Please indicate if you drive: 
    a) [ ] a BMW, 
    b) [ ] a Lexus, 
    c) [ ] a Mercedes, 
    d) [ ] a Cabriolet. 

If your answer is d, please add 6 to 8 weeks to normal delivery 
time for your driver's license. 

In the event of an earthquake, should you: 
    a) [ ] stop your car 
    b) [ ] keep driving and hope for the best, 
    c) [ ] immediately use your cell phone to call all loved
           ones, or 
    d) [ ] pull out your video camera and obtain footage for 
           Channel 4? 

In the instance of rain, you should: 
    a) [ ] never drive over 5 MPH, 
    b) [ ] drive twice as fast as usual, or 
    c) [ ] you're not sure what "rain" is. 

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week:  ____. 

Are you presently taking any of the following medications? 
(Check all that apply.) 
    a) [ ] Prozac; 
    b) [ ] Zovirax; 
    c) [ ] Lithium; 
    d) [ ] Zanax. 
If none, please explain:  __________________. 

Length of daily commute: 
    a) [ ] 1 hour; 
    b) [ ] 2 hours; 
    c) [ ] 3 hours; 
    d) [ ] 4 hours or more. 
If under 1 hour, please explain: 

When stopped by police, should you 
    a) [ ] pull over and have your driver's license and
           insurance form ready, 
    b) [ ] try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the
           405, 
    c) [ ] have video camera ready and provoke them to attack, 
           thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?

=============================================================

From  Tue Mar  9 12:34:47 1999 -0800
Date: Tue, 9 Mar 1999 14:09:21 EST
Subject: Great Truths About Life
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 22

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your
   hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch
   the second person.
4. Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair
7. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
8. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
9. School lunches stick to the wall.
10. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
11. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to
   look for fit. For example, I am sitting here right now
   thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in
   an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a
   pleasant atmosphere, then let the air out of their tires.
5. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the
   toy.
7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live
8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse
   can happen to you the rest of the day.
10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes
    and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

===============================================================

From  Thu Mar 11 09:04:51 1999 -0800
Date: Thu, 11 Mar 1999 10:49:05 EST
Subject: 25 Deeeep Thoughts.
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 23

25 Deep Thoughts: 

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other
   people. 
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to
   say it. 
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large
   groups. 
6. The older you get, the better you realize you were. 
7. I doubt, therefore I might be. 
8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 
9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. 
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
    fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 
13. A fool and his money are soon partying. 
14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? 
15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back
    to? 
16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery. 
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 
18. If God dropped acid, would he see people? 
19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown
    too? 
20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 
21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do
    it? 
22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 
24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 
25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 

================================================================

From  Mon Mar  8 16:36:03 1999 -0800
Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 18:16:44 EST
Subject: Jonah
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 24

There was this lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her
business  so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous
so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped
relax her.

On one particular flight she was sitting next to a man. When he
saw  her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went
back to what he  was doing. 

After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe
all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that
whale?

She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.

He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time
inside the whale?"

The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to
heaven I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.

===============================================================

From  Mon Mar  1 11:07:27 1999 -0800
Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 12:02:19 EST
Subject: Style Invitational
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 25

The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are some recent winners:

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
 obtaining sex.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . .

Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
 recipient who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
 really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and
 it's like a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
 they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

=================================================================

From  Wed Feb 24 01:13:34 1999 -0800
Date: Wed, 24 Feb 1999 02:58:24 EST
Subject: HUMAN RESOURCES
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 26

HUMAN RESOURCES
     
There once was a human resource manager who lived her whole life
without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked
for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a
win-win situation.
     
One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a
bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met
at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
     
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in
though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough,
we've never once had a human resource manager make it this far
and we're not really sure what to do with you."
     
"No problem, just let me in." Said the human resource manager.
     
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to
do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you
can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." 
     
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in
Heaven"
     
Sorry, we have rules..."And with that St. Peter put the human
resource manager in an elevator and it went down-down-down to
hell. The doors opened and the human resource manager found
herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf
course. 

In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her
were all her friends - fellow human resource managers that she
had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and
cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and
they talked about old times. 

They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster
dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy
(kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.

The human resource manager was having such a good time that
before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her
hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
     
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates
and she  found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend
a day in heaven." 

So the human resource manager spent the next 24 hours lounging
around on  clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a
great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity." 
     
The human resource manager paused for a second and then replied,
"Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been
really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the human
resource manager went down-down-down back to Hell. 
     
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing
in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her
friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and
putting it in sacks. 

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't
understand," stammered the human resource manager, "yesterday I
was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we
ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is
a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
     
The Devil looked at her and smiled, "That's because yesterday we
were recruiting you, but today you're staff."

=================================================================

From  Fri Feb 26 11:26:00 1999 -0800
Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 13:11:07 EST
Subject: HUMOR IN SCRUBS
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 27

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to
operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside
is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the
best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts
left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said
it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're
all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no 
guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are
interchangeable."

================================================================

From  Mon Mar 29 01:31:55 1999 -0800
Date: Mon, 29 Mar 1999 03:16:00 -0500 (EST)
Subject: RE: HUMOR IN SCRUBS
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 28

Lawyers are best yet. You don't operate. You throw them to the
wolves who
then nurse them back to health, "Professional Courtesy".

{O,o}

-------- Original Message --------

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to
operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside
is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the
best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts
left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said
it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're
all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no 
guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are
interchangeable."

================================================================

From  Mon Mar  1 11:07:27 1999 -0800
Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 12:02:19 EST
Subject: Cat/Dog life lessons
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 29

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM MY CAT

* Life is hard and then you nap.
* Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours
* Variety is the spice of life:  One day ignore people, the next
  day annoy them and play with them when they're busy.
* When in doubt, cop an attitude.
* Climb your way to the top -- that's why the drapes are there.
* Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone's face.
* Make your mark in the world -- or at least spray in each
  corner.
* When you go out into the world, always remember, being placed
  on a pedestal is a right, not a privilege.
* Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells
  them, "I care."



DOG PROPERTY LAWS

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it
   automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.



================================================================

From  Sat Mar 27 15:51:29 1999 -0800
Date: Sat, 27 Mar 1999 14:37:07 -0800
Subject: Gates at the Pearly Gates.....
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 30

Bill Gates died in a car accident.  He found himself
in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call.  I'm
not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell.  
After all, you enormously helped society by putting
a computer in almost every home in the world and yet
you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do
something I've never done before. 

In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you
want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the
difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places
briefly if it will help you make your choice" 

"Fine, but where should I go first?" 

God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."

Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."  
So Bill went to Hell. 

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear
waters.There were thousands of beautiful women
running around, playing in the water, laughing and
frolicking about. The sun was shining, the
temperature was perfect.

Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God.
"If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a 
high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about
playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as
enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute
and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer
Hell" he told God 

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."  

So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late
billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.  
When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled
to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in a dark
cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?"  God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and
disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I
expected. I can't believe this happened. 
What happened to that other place with the  beaches
and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
     
God says "Oh that.......that was the screen saver".

==============================================================

From  Mon Mar 29 00:40:49 1999 -0800
Date:         Sun, 28 Mar 1999 23:22:06 -0800
Subject: Y5B - The Year 5 Billion Problem
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 31

You thought Y2K was a problem . Lets see how this one works out!

http://www.y5b.com/

==============================================================

From  Tue Mar 30 07:23:15 1999 -0800
Date: Tue, 30 Mar 1999 09:05:44 EST
Subject: some punmusement for the day
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 32

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's
Novocain during root canal work?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.


There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent
in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns
would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to
a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a  picture of himself to his mom. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've
seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

==============================================================

From  Sat Mar 27 14:46:14 1999 -0800
Date: Sat, 27 Mar 1999 16:31:27 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Senior driver
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 33

The Senior Driver

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!"

==============================================================

From  Sat Mar 27 09:27:01 1999 -0800
Date: Sat, 27 Mar 1999 11:11:03 EST
Subject: Hamlet's cat
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 34

I don't know who wrote this - but its fun from Liz  


Hamlet's Cat's Soliloquy

************************************

To go outside, and there perchance to stay
Or to remain within: that is the question:
Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer
The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
That Nature rains on those who roam abroad,
Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
And so by dozing melt the solid hours
That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time
And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare
Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state
A wish to venture forth without delay,
Then when the portal's opened up, to stand
As if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep;
To choose not knowing when we may once more
Our re-admittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;
For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,
Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,
And going out and coming in were made
As simple as the breaking of a bowl,
What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,
The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,
The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,
The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks
That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,
He might his exodus or entrance make
With a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear,
Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,
But that the dread of our unheeded cries
And scratches at a barricaded door
No claw can open up, dispels our nerve
And makes us rather bear our humans' faults
Than run away to unguessed miseries?
Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;
And thus the bristling hair of resolution
Is softened up with the pale brush of thought,
And since our choices hinge on weighty things,
We pause upon the threshold of decision.

 - Shakespaw

==============================================================

From  Fri Apr  2 06:38:54 1999 -0800
Date: Fri, 2 Apr 1999 08:19:02 EST
Subject: Happy Easter
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 35

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU POUR HOT WATER DOWN A RABBIT HOLE?

HOT CROSS BUNNIES!!!

==============================================================

From  Fri Apr  2 14:34:05 1999 -0800
Date: Fri, 02 Apr 1999 13:20:21 -0800
Subject: Dictionary for Women
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 36

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't
realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a
policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the
tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned
verything up, but, he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a
purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend 1/2 an hour writing, then forget to take to the 
store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to 
duplicate again.  See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't
coming out anytime soon.

Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On
his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. 
See also "tranquilizers."

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds,
and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

==============================================================

From  Fri Apr  2 22:06:12 1999 -0800
Date: Fri, 2 Apr 1999 23:47:55 EST
Subject: What we WISH we could say to our co-workers
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 37

1) How about never? Is never good for you?

2) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself
in public.

3) Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change
the subject.

4) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.

5) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.

6) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
 pronounce.

7) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

8) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

9) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

10) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

11) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

12) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about
you.
 
13) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of bad Karma to burn
off.

14) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.

15) No, my powers can only be used for good.

16) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to
worship me.

17) You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication.

18) Are you a ray of sunshine every day?

19) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

20) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

21) I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

22) Who me? I just wander from room to room.

23) My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

24) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular
level I'm really quite busy.

25) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive
habits.

==============================================================

From  Tue Apr  6 07:01:58 1999 -0700
Date: Tue, 6 Apr 1999 08:45:11 EDT
Subject: Theatrical Logic
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 38

Theatrical Logic


In is Down, Down is Front
Out is Up, Up is Back, Off is Out, On is In,
And of course- Right is Left and Left is Right.

A Drop Shouldn't, A Prop Doesn't,
Teasers and Tormentors Don't do either,
Dry Brush Isn't, Gel Doesn't, You Can't Read a Book or a Page,
You Can't Walk Through a Barndoor,
And a Block and Fall Does Neither.

Wings Don't Fly, Flys Don't Buzz, Legs Don't Stand,
Trees Don't Grow, You Can't Eat the Cookies or Donuts,
Toenails Aren't, A Spotline is Neither a Spot Nor a Line,
And a Pool, A Wash, A Port Nor a Cove,
Has Anything to Do with Water.

Tripping, Ripping and Knocking Down is Okay,
A Running Crew Rarely Gets Anywhere, 
A Purchase Line Will Buy You Nothing, 
You Can't Touch the Envelopes, 
A Trap Will Not Catch Anything, 
Booms and Instruments Don't Make A Sound, Crosby's Don't
Sing and You Don't Sit on Their Saddles,
And Neither a Gridiron, Spike, A Block and Tackle Nor a TD
Has Anything to Do With Football.

Strike is Work (in fact a lot of work) And a Green Room
Thankfully Usually Isn't.

Now that you have been fully versed in Theatrical Logic
"Break a Leg", But Not Really.

==============================================================

From  Wed Mar 17 09:46:01 1999 -0800
Date: Wed, 17 Mar 1999 10:28:36 -0600
Subject: Trombone/Bagpipe jokes
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 39

What's the definition of perfect pitch?
When you throw the trombone in the dumpster and it lands on the
bagpipe and spoons.

How do you get two trombonists to play in tune?
Shoot one.

How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
20.  One to screw in the bulb, 19 to drink single malts until the
room spins.

=============================================================

From  Wed Mar 31 10:27:58 1999 -0800
Subject: Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven
Date: Wed, 31 Mar 1999 09:00:30 -0000
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 40

Forrest Gump died and went to heaven.  When he got to the 
Pearly Gates,  Saint Peter told him that new rules were in
effect.  Due to the advances, each soul must answer three
questions: 

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
 
Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered..
"The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today and 
Tomorrow."
"There are 12 seconds in a year."
"God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard." 

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy today and tomorrow, because 
even though it's not the answer I expected, your answer is 
correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year, and why do 
you think that God's first name is Andy or Howard?"

Forrest responded, "Well, there's January 2nd, February 2nd,
March 2nd..."
"OK, I give," said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first
name answer?"

Forrest said, "Well, from the song... 'Andy walks with me, Andy
talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own'? And the prayer...
'Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name'..."

Saint Peter let him in without further ado. 

==============================================================

From  Mon Mar 22 23:12:24 1999 -0800
Date: Tue, 23 Mar 1999 00:57:31 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Death by Chocolate
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 41

This elderly man was at home, dying in bed.  He smelled the
aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking.  He wanted
one last cookie before he died.  He fell out of bed, crawled to
the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen
where his wife was busily baking cookies.

With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely
able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.  As he grasped
a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his
wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

"Why?" he whispered.  "Why did you do that?"

"They are for the funeral" she replied.

{O,o}

=============================================================

From  Sat Mar 20 08:40:21 1999 -0800
Date: Sat, 20 Mar 1999 07:28:15 -0700
Subject: Warning - Greeks Bearing Gifts!
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 42

---------- Forwarded message ----------

TO: Trojan Army Listserv <Trojans-L@troy.org>
RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!

Hey Hector,

This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please
distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.

Thanks,

Laocoon

>WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
>
>IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO
>NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will
>overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!
>
>The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two
>stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and
>appears to be abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates! It
>contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming,
>including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will
>destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and
>children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN
>IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by
>the beach.
>
>FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
>
>Poseidon
>
 =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
RE: Greeks bearing gifts

Laocoon,

I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes
there is.  I've seen variants on this warning come through on
other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was
supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with
something called the "Midas Touch."

Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:

1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" stuff. If it
were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell
anyone to post it to the Phoenicians, Sumerians, and Cretans?

2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.

3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems
with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the
lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me
suspicious.

4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite
your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I
appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a
couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.

Bye now,

Hector

=============================================================

From  Sat Apr 10 05:05:03 1999 -0700
Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 06:47:27 EDT
Subject: Beyond the Bass Clef
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 43

Beyond the Bass Clef:
by Tony Levin

In the beginning there was a bass.  It was a Fender-- probably a
Precision, but it could have been a Jazz-- nobody knows.  Anyway,
it was very old... definitely pre-CBS.

And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good.  He saw
that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all
(though men would later try.)  And so He let it be and He created
a man to play the bass.

And lo, the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful
'sunburst' red, and he loved it.  He played upon the open E
string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated
throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.)  And it was
good.  And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his
handiwork.

Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. 
And lo it was funky.

And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go, man, go." And it
was good.

And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came
to practice upon the bass.  And lo, the man came to have upon him
a great set of chops.  And he did play faster and faster until
the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.

And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind,
which He had created earlier.  It also sounded something like the
movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He
was not so pleased.

And He spoke to the man, saying, "Don't do that!"

Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about
his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky
notes.  And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran
about in confusion (some of the Angels started to dance, but
that's another story.)

And God heard this-- how could He miss it-- and lo, He became
Bugged.  And He spoke to the man, and said, "Listen, man, if I
wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar.  Stick to
the bass parts."

And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with
it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high.
The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And
the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and
play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man
did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of
high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked
with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.

Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke
to the man.

And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo,
I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than
you can even think of."

"And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And
they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall
cause you to always stand next to the drummer."

"You think you are loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall
guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon
the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to
play higher and faster than the bass."

"And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all
the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the
low notes.

"And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall
say "Wow" but really they shall hate it.  And they shall tell you
you are ready for your solo career, and find other bass players
for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your
fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the
night."

"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave
the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."

And it was so.

==============================================================

From  Sun Mar 21 06:19:57 1999 -0800
Date: Sun, 21 Mar 1999 08:07:46 -0500
Subject: Dogs in the Restaurant
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 44

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a
Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to
eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've
got our dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman
Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk
in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts
on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is
my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

=============================================================

From  Thu Apr  8 18:06:06 1999 -0700
Date: Thu, 08 Apr 1999 19:51:14 -0400
Subject: A New Element is Discovered
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 45

                 A NEW ELEMENT IS DISCOVERED
                  - Submitted by J Lans
           ____________________________________

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
investigators at a major US research university. The element,
tentatively, named "ADMINISTRATIUM", appears to be very closely
related to BUREAUCRATIUM - a known deadly poison.. "

"ADMINISTRATIUM" has no protons or electrons and thus has an
atomic number of O.

Upon initial inspection, however, it does have:
   - one neutron,
   - 125 assistant neutrons,
   - 75 vice neutrons and
   - 111 assistant vice neutrons,
which together gives it an atomic mass of 312.

  PROPERTIES
  -----------
* These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves
the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called MORONS.

* It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
particles called PEONS.


Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it
can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes
in contact with.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium
causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it
would have normally occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately THREE
YEARS, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and
assistant vice neutrons exchange places.  Some studies have
shown that the atomic mass actually INCREASES after each
reorganization.


  OCCURRENCES
  -----------
Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium
occurs naturally in the atmosphere.  It tends to concentrate
at certain points such as government agencies, large
corporations, and universities.  It can usually be found in the
newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at
any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive
reaction where it is allowed to accumulate.

Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be
controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date
are not promising.

==============================================================

From  Wed Mar 17 12:26:58 1999 -0800
Date: Wed, 17 Mar 1999 14:09:18 EST
Subject: Travel Agent stories
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 46

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents: 

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair 
wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. 

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. 
I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport 
information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to 
make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."  
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly 
explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in 
Africa." Her response ... click. 

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.  I 
asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.  He 
said he was expecting an ocean-view room.  I tried to 
explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle 
of the state.  He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the 
map, and Florida is a very thin state." 

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see 
England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they 
look so close on the map." 

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in 
Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had 
a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he 
wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big 
airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to 
save time." 

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was 
possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and 
got into Chicago at 8:33am.  I tried to explain that 
Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could 
not understand the concept of time zones.  Finally, I 
told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! 

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your 
physical description on your bag so they know who's 
luggage belongs to who?" I said,"No, why do you ask?"   
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, 
they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm 
overweight, is there any connection?"  After putting her 
on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually 
laughing) I came back and explained the city code for 
Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a 
destination tag on her luggage. 

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.  
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it 
be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train 
to Hawaii?" 

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do 
I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly 
he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number 
is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on 
them." 

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola 
on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant 
to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, 
"Yeah, whatever." 

A business man called and had a question about the 
documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a 
lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him 
he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China 
many times and never had to have one of those."  I 
double checked and sure enough, his stay required a 
visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to 
China four times and every time they have accepted 
my American Express." 

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go 
from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent 
was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you 
sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights 
do you have?" replied the customer. After some 
searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, 
ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the 
country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." 
The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly.  Everyone 
knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent 
scoured a map of the state of New York and finally 
offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's 
it! I knew it was a big animal!"

=============================================================

From  Fri Apr  9 18:26:11 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 09 Apr 1999 17:09:32 -0700
Subject: Virus humour
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 47

From the weekly IDIRECT Digest.........
 
Humour: Here are some other virus warnings going around the 'Net 
  
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS Never calls itself a "virus", but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." 

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS Nothing works, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is fine. 

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of
which  claim to be the most important part of your computer. 

PARLIAMENT VIRUS The computer locks up, screen splits
erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the
other side for the problem. 

AIRLINE VIRUS You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. 

PBS VIRUS Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. 

SEARS VIRUS Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables,
power supply and a set of shocks. 

STAR TREK VIRUS Invades your system in places where no virus has
gone before. 

THE BORG VIRUS It quickly assimilates your computer, Resistance
is futile. 

TIM ALLEN VIRUS Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive 
upon contact. 

DISNEY VIRUS Everything in the computer goes Goofy. 

GRAFFITI VIRUS Makes colorful CD's and floppys. 

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS Your IBM suddenly reveals it's a MAC.

TITANIC VIRUS Makes your whole computer go down.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS Quits after one byte.

PROZAC VIRUS Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

SPICE GIRL VIRUS Has no real function, but makes a pretty
desktop.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS Saves your data, but forgets where it is
stored.

DR. KEVORKIAN VIRUS Searches your hard drive for old files and
deletes them.

AT&T VIRUS Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you
are getting.

MCI VIRUS Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too
much for the AT&T virus.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS Terminates and stays resident. It'll
be back...

==============================================================

From  Mon Apr 12 16:31:20 1999 -0700
Subject: Great Quotes... Great Thinkers
Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1999 15:13:09 -0700
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 48

Great Quotes... Great Thinkers

Question:  If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer:  "I would not live forever, because we should not live
forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we
would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I
would not live forever."
       -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over
the world, I can't help but cry.  I mean I'd love to be skinny
like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
       -- Mariah Carey

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with
the law."
       -- David Dinkins, former New York City Mayor, answering
          accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important
part of your life."
       -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
          spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
body."
       -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball
          forward.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
       -- Jason Kidd, upon his being drafted by the Dallas
          Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
We are the president."
       -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
          documents

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
       -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
       -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away
from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the
Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
       -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
       -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
       -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the
public mind."
       -- General William Westmoreland

==============================================================

From  Mon Apr 19 02:04:18 1999 -0700
Date: Mon, 19 Apr 1999 00:49:02 -0700
Subject: Re: Great Quotes... Great Thinkers
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 49

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
       -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

actually it was Yogi Berra who said "90 percent of this game is
half mental" Ozark was just misquoting Yogi

other things yogi said
" It ain't over 'til it's over "
" Never answer an anonymous letter"
" I usually take a two hour nap from one to four"
" It's deja vu all over again"
" When you come to a fork in the road....Take it "
" I didn't really say everything I said "
" You can observe a lot by watching "
" When asked what time is was......" you mean now?"
At Yogi Berra day in St Louis 1947 " I want to thank you for
making this day necessary"
" If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be "
Yogi on the 1969 NY Mets....." overwhelming underdogs "
On why NY lost the 1960 series to Pittsburgh " We made too many
wrong mistakes" 
" The future ain't what it used to be "
" It gets late early out here"

and my personal favorite:
" If the people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's
going to stop them "

==============================================================

From  Mon Apr 19 00:08:38 1999 -0700
Date: Mon, 19 Apr 1999 17:40:11 +1200
Subject: PCDAW- Effect units
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 50

Must pass on this gem from a chappy who passed it on to The
Bottom Line (bass) mailing list.

Time Distortion: Makes guitar solos seem longer. (Can also be
achieved by ineptitude.)

Blame shifter: Shifts the pitch of mistakes down one octave so
that the audience thinks it was the bass player.

Depander: Filters out popular cover songs.

Overjive: Makes Hootie songs sound like Parliament.

Active Pickups: Amplifies "signals" sent to attractive audience 
members.

Fluff Box: Filters out excessive musical substance.

Rehash: Stores and plays back your favorite riffs constantly and
forever.

Feedback Eliminator: Drowns out "constructive criticism."

Band Pass Filter: Eliminates sexual advances between band
members.

Depressor: Changes any chord to E minor.

Paralytic Equalizer: Makes you as good as other guitarists by
injecting them with nerve toxins.

TS-1 (talent stretcher): all the above effects in one convenient
pedal-pack.

==============================================================

From  Tue Apr 13 10:23:50 1999 -0700
Subject: Will that be to go??
Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 09:05:59 -0700
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 51

This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas
web site by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor.

The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humor) - and
made the web department take it down immediately.

---------------------------------------------------------
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. 
In order to protect your new investment, please take a few
moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. 
Answering the survey questions is not required, but the
information will help us to develop new products that best meet
your needs and desires.

1.  [_] Mr.   [_] Mrs.     [_] Ms.     [_] Miss  [_]Lt.  [_]
Gen.   [_]
Comrade  [_] Classified  [_] Other

First Name:.....................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name:......................................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name:......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude:  
...........  ...........  ..........

2.  Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3.  Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day):  
19....... /....... /.......

4. Serial Number:.................................

5.  Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6.  Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7.  Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8.  Please check the location(s) where this product will be
used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq

9.  Please check the products that you currently own or intend
to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10.  How would you describe yourself or your organization?
   (Check all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11.  How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check

12.  Your occupation
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13.  To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please
indicate the interests and activities in which you and your
spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. 
Your answers will be used in market studies that will help
McDonnell  Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as
allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other
companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious
consortia.  As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be
registered to win a brand new F-117A in our DesertThunder
Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?  Please write
to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division

==============================================================

From  Thu Apr 15 09:55:56 1999 -0700
Date: Thu, 15 Apr 1999 20:35:04 -0700
Subject: Carlin
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 52

Here's some George Carlin to get you thinking.

Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your
bills now?  Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to
stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them.  I put
garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana
peels... I write, "Could you throw this away for me, please?
Thank you."

Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was
for. 
 Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married'
(walked off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take
off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of
your clothes.

Cripes:
My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. 
 They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that
be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy
Moly'.
I'm not making fun of it -  You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up
aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we
want you.  And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the
way I look in the morning?'
 It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near
our optic nerve.

Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy
Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that
way, do you? Out there entering wet shawl contests. Makes you
wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house
each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a
few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already
have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room
and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve
hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they
don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to
the generator.

Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have
awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of
commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the
whole thing.

Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different
issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't
know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... They're voting
"I don't know."
"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into
phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud).  Sometimes you
have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." 
This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (into
phone) "I'm not in the mood."

Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on
someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out
enjoying it right now.  I hope you are too. The thought for the
day is 'Share the love.'" Beep." "Uh, yeah... this is the VD
clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back.
Stop sharing the love."

==============================================================

From  Sun Apr 11 09:18:59 1999 -0700
Date: Sun, 11 Apr 1999 11:01:35 EDT
Subject: Job Application
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 53

McDonald's Fast Food Job Application:

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a
McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM!  Good for
them.

NAME:  Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION:  Reclining.  But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a
Michael Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible
make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:  Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:  A target for middle management hostility.

SALARY:  Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen
pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited
to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be
here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:  50 lbs. of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question here
would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when I'm set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in the
Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like to be
doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:  Scorpio with Libra rising.

==============================================================

From  Wed Apr 21 14:49:11 1999 -0700
Date: Wed, 21 Apr 1999 13:32:46 -0700
Subject: Think about it  Saludos de Miami
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 54

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal
Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.
Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The
American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and
asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch
more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate
needs.

The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of
your time?

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play
with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into
the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my
amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you.
You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a
bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy
several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing
boats.Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell
directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery.
You would control the product, processing and distribution. You
would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move
to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run
your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all
take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

But what then, senor?

The American laughed and said that's the best part. When the
time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company
stock to the public and become very rich, you would make
millions.

Millions, senor? Then what?

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small
coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a
little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll
to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play
your guitar with your amigos.

==============================================================

From  Wed Apr 21 14:46:49 1999 -0700
Date: Wed, 21 Apr 1999 13:30:24 -0700
Subject: kids' opinions on marriage
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 55

Kids say the darndest things.   

HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
 "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails
 means you try the next one."
 Kally, age 9

 "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.  Like if
you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming."   Allan, age 10

 "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
 to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find
out later who you're stuck with."   Kirsten, age 10

WHAT'S THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
FOREVER by then!"    Cam, age 10

 "No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to
get married!"     Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
 "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
 Eddie, age 6

 "You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids."  Derrick, age 8

 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
 "Both don't want no more kids."  Lori, age 8

 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen
long enough."  Lynnette, age 8

 "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." 
Martin, age 10

 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
 newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead 
columns."  Craig, age 9

 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich!"   Pam, age 7

 "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
mess with that."    Curt, age 7

 "The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them  and have kids with them.... It's the right thing to
do." Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing: I'm
 never going to have sex with my wife.  I don't want to be all 
grossed out!" Theodore, age 8

  "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys
need somebody to clean up after them!"  Anita, age 9

"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want
to change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd 
figure something out.  I'd just phone my mother and have her
come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."  Kirsten, age 10

WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE FOR A YOUNG COUPLE ABOUT TO BE MARRIED?
 "The first thing I'd say to them is: 'Listen up, youngins... I
got something to say to you.   Why in the heck do you wanna get
married, anyway?'"   Craig, age 9

 WHAT PROMISES DO A MAN AND A WOMAN MAKE WHEN THEY GET MARRIED?
"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness
and diseases together."
  Marlon, age 10

 WHAT WOULD YOU SUGGEST TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK
 "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a
 truck!"     Ricky, age 7

 "If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of
sexy clothes.... Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a
few diamonds on it."    Lori, age 8

 ABOUT GETTING MARRIED FOR A SECOND TIME
 "Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one
to find a live one."    Angie L., age 10

 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
 Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing
after us just the same as they do now!"  Roberta, age 7

==============================================================

From  Wed Apr 21 14:44:26 1999 -0700
Subject: Irate
Date: Wed, 21 Apr 1999 07:05:40 -0700 (PDT)
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 56

  IRATE

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate 
customer, this one is for you.

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in 
Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when 
confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as
baggage.
 
A crowded United flight was canceled.  A single agent was
rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.  
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE
to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS!"

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir.  I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll
be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed.  He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who 
I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone.  "May I have your attention please?" she
began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal.  "We have a
passenger  here at the gate who does not know who he is.  If
anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F***
you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but
you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

==============================================================

From  Wed Aug 12 09:45:05 1998 -0800
Date: Wed, 12 Aug 1998 09:45:04 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: The Bill Gates Car
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 57

The Bill Gates Car

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry
has, we would all be driving 25 cars that got 1000 miles to the
gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft,
we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have
to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason,
and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case
you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
"Car95" or 'CarNT" but then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but
would only run on 5% of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would
be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock
you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift
the door handle, turn the key, and grab hold of the radio
antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set
of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they
neither need them or want them. Attempting to delete this option
would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50%
or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by
the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls
would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

===============================================================

From  Tue Jun  2 06:00:30 1998 -0800
Date: Tue, 02 Jun 1998 06:45:38 -0700
Subject: Reasons to keep an open mind
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 58

Reasons to keep an open mind
 
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
     --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
     science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
     --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and
talked with the best people, and I can assure  you that data
processing is a fad that won't last out the  year."
     --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice  Hall,
     1957

"But what ... is it good for?"
     --Engineer  at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of
     IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would  want a computer in their home."
     --Ken Olson, president,  chairman and founder of Digital
     Equipment Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently
of no value to us."
     --Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.  Who
would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
     --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
     investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is  interesting and well-formed, but in order to
earn better than a  'C,' the idea must be feasible."
     --A Yale University management professor in response to
     Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery
     service.
     (Smith went  on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to  hear actors talk?"
     --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face 
and not Gary Cooper."
     --Gary Cooper on his decision not  to take the leading role
     in "Gone With The Wind."

"A  cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research
reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy
cookies like you make."
     --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields'
     Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
     --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the  Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
     --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment.
The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
     --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique
     adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"So we  went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing
thing, even  built with some of your parts, and what do you think
about funding us?  Or we'll give it to you.  We just want to do
it.  Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.'  And they said,
'No.'  So  then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey,
we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
     --Apple  Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get
     Atari and  HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal
     computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action  and
reaction and the need to have something better than a  vacuum
against which to react. He seems to lack the basic  knowledge
ladled out daily in high schools."
     --1921 New  York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
     revolutionary  rocket work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle  development
across all of your muscles?  It can't be done.  It's  just a fact
of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development
as an unalterable condition of weight training."
     --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable"
     problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find
oil? You're crazy."
     --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his
     project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like  a permanently high
plateau."
     --Irving Fisher, Professor of  Economics, Yale University,
     1929.

"Airplanes are interesting  toys but of no military value."
     --Marechal Ferdinand Foch,  Professor of Strategy, Ecole
     Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
     --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents,
     1899.

===============================================================

From  Tue Jan  5 20:47:16 1999 -0800
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 22:30:29 EST
Subject: Instructions for Microsoft Frozen Dinners
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 59


Instructions for Microsoft Frozen Dinners 

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not
give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
infringement of Microsoft's rights).
You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and
are encouraged to tell them how good it is. 

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes:
\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// 

Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.


If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The
oven will set itself and cook the dinner. 

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients
of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the
dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The
oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly
to your specification. 

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case
your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove
the dinner from the oven and enter
ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap.
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the
microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work,
contact your hardware vendor. 

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big,
larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments,
most of which are empty.
These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit
in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. 

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another
variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you
really don't want another variety.
Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. 

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions
of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the
larger family size.
Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved
only in Microsoft approved packaging. 

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98.
However, that version has yet to be released. Users have
permission to get thrilled in advance. 

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the
freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature,
not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted
anyway. 

=================================================================

From  Mon Jan 25 10:35:49 1999 -0800
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1999 12:22:02 -0500
Subject: How To Overproduce a Rock Record
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 60

HOW TO OVERPRODUCE A ROCK RECORD!

First, spend about a month on "preproduction", making sure that
everything is completely planned out so that no spontaneity is
necessary or possible in the studio.

If there are no "hits" there, make the band collaborate with
outside songwriters.

Line up extra studio musicians who are better players than the
band themselves, just in case.

Next, book the most expensive studio you can find so that
everyone but the band gets paid lots of money. The more
expensive, the more the record label will take the project
seriously, which is important. Book lots and lots of time. You'll
need at least 48 tracks to accommodate all the room mics you'll
set up for the drums, all of which will be buried by other
instruments later anyway, and for the added keyboard tracks, even
if the band has never had a keyboard player.  And for all the
backing vocal tracks, even if the band only has one singer.

Then, record all the instruments one at a time, but make the
drummer play to a click track for every song so the music has no
chance to breathe whatsoever.

That way you can use lots of MIDI gear. Do multiple takes of
each song. Use up at least 30 reels of 2-inch tape. Take the best
parts of each take and splice them all together. You might even
use a hard-disk recording system like ProTools, then transfer it
all back to analog two-inch. Spend at least two weeks just
compiling drum tracks like this.  You'll need to rent at least a
half a dozen snare drums, and you'll have to change drum heads
every couple hours. If you really do it right, the entire band
will never have to actually play a song together.

Now, start overdubbing each instrument, one at a time. Make sure
perfection is achieved. Do a hundred takes if you must. If this
doesn't work, get "guest musicians" in to "help out".

Don't forget to hire someone who's good with samples and loops
so the kids will think its hip! Better get some turntable
scratching on there too.

Be sure to spend days and days just experimenting with sounds,
different amplifiers, guitars, mics, speakers, basically trying
every possible option you can think of to use up all that studio
time you've booked.  No matter how much time you book, you can
use it up this way easily. Everyone involved will think they're
working very hard.

Make sure you rent lots of expensive mics and expensive
compressors and expensive preamps so you can convince yourself
and everyone else how good it's sounding. Charge it to the band's
recording budget of course.

Make sure you have at least two or three compressors IN SERIES on
everything you're recording. Any equipment with tubes in it is a
sure bet, the older the better. The best is early-1970s-era Neve
equipment, old Ampex analog recorders, and WW2-vintage tube
microphones, since everyone knows that the technology of
recording has continuously declined for the past 30+ years.

Don't forget to get some old "ribbon" mics too.

Make sure that by the time it's finished everyone is absolutely,
totally sick of all the songs and never wants to hear any of them
again.

Oops! Now it's time to mix!

Better get someone with "fresh ears" (who's never heard any of
it before) to mix it in a $2000/day SSL room with full
automation. Make sure he's pretty famous, and of course you have
to fly to LA, NYC or Nashville to do this, because there simply
are no decent studios anywhere else. Make sure he compresses the
hell out of everything as he mixes it. Compress each drum
individually and then compress an overall stereo submix of 'em.
Make sure to compress all the electric guitars even though a
distorting guitar amp is the most extreme "compressor" in
existence. Compress everything else, and then compress the
overall mix. Add tons and tons of reverb to the drums on top of
all those room mics, and add stereo chorus on everything else.

Spare no expense. Spend at least two weeks on it. Then take it
home and decide to pay for someone else to remix the whole thing.

Then get some New York coke-head mastering engineer to master
it, and make sure he compresses the hell out of everything again
and takes away all the low end and makes it super bright and
crispy and harsh so it'll sound really LOUD on the radio. (Too
bad about all those people with nice home stereos.)

Oh-oh! Your A+R guy just got fired! Looks like the record will
never be released!

================================================================

From  Tue Jun  2 06:00:30 1998 -0800
Date: Fri, 29 May 1998 05:26:05 -0700
Subject: Emoticons
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 61

We all know those cute little computer symbols called
 "emoticons," where
 :)  means a smile, and
 :( is a frown.
     
 Well, how about some "asscons" (if "ass" offends thee, you 
 can replace it with "butt")?
     
       Here goes:
     
        (_!_)      a regular ass
     
        (__!__)    a fat ass
     
        (!)        a tight ass
     
        (_._)      a flat ass
     
        (_^_)      a bubble ass
     
        (_*_)      a sore ass
     
        (_!__)     a lop-sided ass
     
        {_!_}      a swishy ass
     
        (_o_)      an ass that's been around
     
        (_O_)     an ass that's been around even more
     
        (_x_)     kiss my ass
     
        (_X_)     leave my ass alone
     
       (_zzz_)    a tired ass
     
        (_o^o_)   a wise ass
     
        (_13_)    an unlucky ass
     
      (_e=mc2_)   a smart ass
     
        (_$_)     money coming out of his ass
     
        (_?_)     dumb Ass
     
     
                        ..ooo*"""**ooooo .oo*""*ooo..
               .  oo*"           "*o.oo*"           "*o.
             . o"                   'o"                "o
              o                      o                   *o
            .o                       o                     'o
            o                        o                       o.
           o                         o                        o.
          o                          o                         o
          o                         \o/                        o
          o                        --0--                       o
         o.                         /o\                        o
         o                           o                         o
         "o                          o                         o
          o'"                        o                        oo
          oo                         o                        oo
           oo.                       oo                     oo
             'ooo.                  .oo.                  ooo
             "o ""oo,,           ,,oO-'Oo,     ,,,,,,..oo" o
               o.         """"""     oo       """""        .o 
              'o                     oo                    o'
               *o                    oo                    o 
               'o                     o                    o
                o                     o                   o 
                o                     o                   o
                 o                    o                  o 
                 o                    o                  o 
                 o                    o                  o 
                 o                    o                  o
     
     
You have been e-mooned!

================================================================

From  Sun Jan 24 04:13:41 1999 -0800
Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1999 05:57:13 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Helpdesk Funnies
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 62

http://helpdeskfunnies.cyberjuice.com/best_helpdesk_stories.htm

There is a real good one about those AOL frisbies.... The
12/27/98 winner....

{O,o}

==============================================================

From  Mon Jan 25 23:19:59 1999 -0800
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1999 01:06:19 EST
Subject: Cat Haikus
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 63

CAT HAIKUS

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!  Behold,
elevator butt.

I need a new toy.
tail of black dog keeps good time.
pounce!  good dog!  good dog!

The rule for today
Touch my tail, I shred your hand
New rule tomorrow

In deep sleep hear sound
cat vomit hairball somewhere
will find in morning

Grace personified,
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion. then-
silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds-
Your foot just squashed one

You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head.

Terrible battle.
I fought for hours.  Come and see!
What's a 'term paper'?

Kitty like plastic
Confuses for litter box.
Don't leave tarp around.

Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner

Want to trim my claws?
Don't even think about it!
My yelps will wake dead.

I want to be close
To you.  Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh, Help!  I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! big One has been trapped by newspaper!  
Cat to the rescue!
Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp. . .

Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!"

Litter box not here
You must have moved it again
I'll go in the sink.

The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey"

We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?

================================================================

From  Thu Feb  4 22:37:28 1999 -0800
Date: Fri, 5 Feb 1999 00:23:06 EST
Subject: Amazing Anagrams
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 64

An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing
or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.  The
following are exceptionally clever.  Someone out there either has
way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
	     
	Dormitory        Dirty Room
	     
	Evangelist       Evil's Agent
	     
	Desperation      A Rope Ends It
	     
	The Morse Code   Here Come Dots
	     
	Slot Machines    Cash Lost in 'em
	     
	Animosity        Is No Amity
	     
	Mother-in-law    Woman Hitler
	     
	Snooze Alarms    Alas! No More Z's
	     
	Alec Guinness    Genuine Class
	     
	Semolina         Is No Meal
	     
	A Decimal Point  I'm a Dot in Place
	     
	The Earthquakes  That Queer Shake
	     
	Eleven plus two  Twelve plus one
	     
	Contradiction    Accord not in it
	     
This one's truly amazing:

"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether 'tis nobler in
the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
	     
And the Anagram:

"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent
hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
	     
And for the grand finale:

"That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." 
	- Neil Armstrong
	     
The Anagram:
"Thin man ran, makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on
moon. - On to Mars!"

================================================================

From  Thu May  6 10:45:10 1999 -0700
Date: Thu, 6 May 1999 12:28:11 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Winners of the Combined Books awards
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 65

Merge-matic books from the Washington Post Invitational:  
Readers were asked to combine the works of two authors and
provide a suitable blurb. 
Back to the books. The overall winner is also the Rookie of the
Week:

Second Runner-Up: "Machiavelli's The Little Prince" -- Antoine
de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by
Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many
delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed.
(Erik Anderson, Tempe, Ariz.)

First Runner-Up: "Green Eggs and Hamlet" -- Would you kill him
in his bed? / Thrust a dagger through his head? / I would not,
could not, kill the King. / I could not do that evil thing. / I
would not wed this girl, you see. / Now get her to a nunnery.
(Robin Parry, Arlington)

And the Winner of the Dancing Critter:
"Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities" -- An '80s yuppie is denied
books. He does not object, or even notice. (Mike Long, Burke)
Honorable Mentions:

"2001: A Space Iliad" -- The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane
10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K
bug. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

"Curious Georgefather" -- The monkey finally sticks his nose
where it don't belong. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

"The Hunchback Also Rises" -- Hideously deformed fellow is
cloistered in bell tower by despicable clergymen. And that's the
good news ... (John Verba, Washington)

"The Maltese Faulkner" -- Is the black bird a tortured symbol
of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his
decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely
a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a
cool mil? (Thad Humphries, Warrenton)

"The Silence of the Hams" -- In this endearing update of the
Seuss classic, young Sam-I-Am presses unconventional foodstuffs
on his friend, Hannibal, who turns the tables. (Mark Eckenwiler,
Washington)

"Portnoy's Choice": A man is forced to choose between his right
and left hand. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

"Jane Eyre Jordan": Plucky English orphan girl survives
hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship.
(Dave Pickering, Bowie)

"Nicholas and Alexandra Nickleby" -- Having narrowly escaped a
Bolshevik firing squad, the former czar and czarina join a
troupe of actors only to find that playing the Palace isn't as
grand as living in it. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

"Catch-22 in the Rye" -- Holden learns that if you're insane,
you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking
out of prep school, you're probably not insane. (Brendan Beary,
Great Mills)

"Tarzan of the Grapes" -- The beleaguered Okies of the dust
bowl are saved by a strong and brave savage who swings from
grapevine to grapevine. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

"Where's Walden?" -- Alas, the challenge of locating Henry
David Thoreau in each richly detailed drawing loses its appeal
when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods.
(Sandra Hull, Arlington)

"Looking for Mr. Godot" -- A young woman waits for Mr. Right to
enter her life. She has a looong wait. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett
Park)

"Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi" -- Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to
prove Rudyard Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to
India on a raft from Polynesia. (David Laughton, Washington)

"As I Lay Winesburg, Ohio" -- William Faulkner and Sherwood
Anderson tell the unforgettable story of one man's ambitious
quest to nail every woman in his home town. (Grady Norris, New
Bern, N.C.)

==============================================================

From  Mon Feb  8 09:59:49 1999 -0800
Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1999 11:47:25 -0500
Subject: Beware the spell checker!
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 66

Beware the dangers of using a spell checker to verify the
accuracy of your text!

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

-Sauce unknown

=================================================================

From  Tue Feb  9 22:45:01 1999 -0800
Date: Wed, 10 Feb 1999 00:10:18 EST
Subject: Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 67

This was an "Actual Question" given on a University of Washington
chemistry midterm.

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is
compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and
the rate they are leaving.  I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no
souls are leaving.  

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, 
you will go to Hell.  Since there are more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to
Hell. 

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.  Now, we look at the
rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states
that in order for temperature and the pressure in Hell to stay
the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until All Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will
drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan
during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell
before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I
still have not succeeded in that area, then (2) cannot be true,
and so Hell is exothermic.

This student got the only A.

================================================================

From  Sun May  9 08:26:59 1999 -0700
Date: Sun, 9 May 1999 10:11:47 -0500
Subject: Re: Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 68

Dear Charlie,
That is all very well. And excellent in its own way. I think I
would have given him an A also.
Minor corrections:  Hinduism posits that Hell is a temporary
state and people are leaving all the time. Also, in Vedanta we
believe that one can practice two or more religions at the same
time.
Incidentally, for the Hindus, hell is a hellishly COLD place!
Cheers, Phil


From  Fri Feb 19 14:06:40 1999 -0800
Date: Fri, 19 Feb 1999 05:51:46 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Computer Glossary
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 69

When I went to college, I heard a lot of words like "data input"
and "beta version." They confused me. I wanted desperately to
know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in
the computer industry. Now that I've worked with a computer for
the last few years, I've gained an insider's perspective.  I
decided to share my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating
the following brief, handy glossary: 

Alpha.  
Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user
feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."

Beta.
Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released.
Beta is  Latin for "still doesn't work."

Computer.
Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger
"Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow
Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and
offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot
worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the
"Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself.
The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working
for IBM.

CPU.
Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It
consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning
wheel that's powered by a running rodent -- a gerbil if the
machine is an old machine, a ferret if it's a Pentium and a
ferret on speed if it's a Pentium II.

Default Directory.
Black hole.  Default directory is where all files that you need
disappear to.

Error message.
Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on
users for the program's shortcomings.

File.
A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It
helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet --
except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an
electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

Hardware.
Collective term for any computer-related object that can be
kicked or battered.

Help.
What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in
generating more questions. When the help feature is used
correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help
screens and end up where they started from without learning
anything.

================================================================

From  Fri May  7 00:24:40 1999 -0700
Subject: Where is GOD?
Date: Thu, 6 May 1999 10:15:52 EDT
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 70

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively
mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their
parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their
town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents
were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons'
behaviour.

The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful
in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if
he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.
The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something
before I really lose my temper!" The clergyman agreed to speak
with the boys, but asked to see them individually.
 
The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the
boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
 
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question
in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
 
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised
his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face,
 "WHERE IS GOD?"
 
At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home,
slamming himself in the closet.
 
His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What
happened?"
 
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. 
God is missing and they think we did it."

==============================================================

From  Fri Feb 19 14:12:33 1999 -0800
Date: Fri, 19 Feb 1999 15:57:52 EST
Subject: Words redefined
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 71

The following are from the Washington Post Style Invitational (a
weekly contest for readers).  The idea of this one is simply to
redefine words from the dictionary--no added or changed letters.

Abdicate--v.  To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Balderdash--n., a rapidly receding hairline.

Bustard--n., a very rude Metrobus driver.

Carcinoma--n.  A valley in California, notable for its heavy
               smog.

Circumvent--n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Coffee--n., a person who is coughed upon.

Esplanade--v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Flabbergasted--adj., appalled over how much weight you have
                     gained.

Flatulence--n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
                are run over by a steamroller.

Gargoyle-n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Lymph--v. To walk with a lisp.

Macadam--n., the first man on Earth, according to the Scottish
bible.

Marionettes--n., residents of Washington who have been jerked
                 around by the mayor.

Negligent--adj., describes a condition in which you
                 absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Oyster--n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
            expressions.

Rectitude--n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
               proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Semantics--n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the
               priesthood, including such things as gluing the
               pages of the priest's prayer book together just
               before vespers.

Testicle--n., a humorous question to an exam.

Willy-nilly--adj., impotent.

================================================================

From  Tue May 11 10:13:28 1999 -0700
Date: Tue, 11 May 1999 08:56:12 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Directions for the educated consumer 
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 72

These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods: 

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!) 

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary.  Details inside. 
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: 
Fits one head.
(The big one or the little one?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:  (printed on bottom of the box) 
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late!  You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure???  Let's experiment.) 

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?) 
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: 
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we
just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(or pets!  What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: 
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.) 

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: 
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. 
(have a lobotomy)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. 
(What is this, a home castration kit?)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. 
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief) 

==============================================================

From  Wed May 12 11:14:29 1999 -0700
Date: Wed, 12 May 1999 12:57:07 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Why we should feel sorry for tech support people
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 73

   Why we should feel sorry for tech support people

Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I
crashed
my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager
icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons
-- I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't
believe it was meant to --"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't
believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture'
of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]

Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go
something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

Some people pay for their online services with checks made
payable to "The Internet."

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The
woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that
is a good point.The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is
under a window, and his is working fine."

Tech Support:"OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the
screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the
document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because
he needed to keep it. 

==============================================================

From  Tue May 11 10:12:18 1999 -0700
Date: Tue, 11 May 1999 08:55:05 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: "Why men are so cool"?? 
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 74

Why Men Are So Cool
     
Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
     
You know stuff about tanks.
     
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
     
You can open all your own jars.
     
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
     
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
     
You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
     
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
     
You can kill your own food.
     
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
     
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
     
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be your friend.
     
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
     
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
     
Everything on your face stays its original color.
     
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
     
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
     
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is
coming.
     
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
     
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without
ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
     
Same work... more pay.
     
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
     
Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
     
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
     
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little
gift.
     
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong friends.
     
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice
anything different?"
     
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
     
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.
     
You almost never have strap problems in public.
     
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
     
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
     
You don't have to shave below your neck.
     
At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
     
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
     
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
     
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
     
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
     
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on
December 24th, in 45 minutes.

==============================================================

From  Tue May 11 11:32:26 1999 -0700
Date: Tue, 11 May 1999 10:20:21 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Working in corporate America or "it could be worse"
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 75

You know you work in Corporate North America in the 90's if:
     
You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three
different companies.
     
Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro. 

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket. 
     
When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie. 
     
You get really excited about a 2% pay raise. 
     
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best 
jokes. 
     
Free food left over from meetings is your main staple. 
     
Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. 
     
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
     
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than
all the 

Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
     
You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive. 
     
It's dark when you drive to and from work. 
     
Communication is something your group is having problems with. 
     
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor. 
     
Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home. 
     
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital. 
     
You're already late on the assignment you just got. 
     
When 100% of your time means 20 hours. 
     
You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say
"Oh wow, thanks!"
     
Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube. 
     
Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in
your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an
opportunity for you."
     
Vacation is something you roll over to next year OR a check you
get every January.
     
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with
computers".
     
Nepotism is encouraged.
     
The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures
are hanging in your cube.
     
You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting. 
     
You read this entire list and understood it.

==============================================================

From  Thu Feb 18 11:13:48 1999 -0800
Subject: Wife 1.0 Tech Support
Date: Thu, 18 Feb 1999 09:49:14 -0800
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 76

-- Tech Support Request --

Dear Sir

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a
lot of space and valuable resources.  No mention of this
phenomenon was included in the product brochure.  In addition,
Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches
during system initialization where it monitors all other system
activity.  

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer
run, crashing the system whenever selected. 

I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system.  I am thinking
about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work. 

-- Can you help me? --

 - Jonathan Powell

----------------------------

Dear Jonathan Powell-

This is a very common complaint but is mostly due to a primary
misconception.  Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0
with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES &
ENTERTAINMENT" program.  Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and
designed by its creator to run everything.  

WARNING: DO NOT TRY to uninstall, delete, or purge the program
from the system once installed.  Trying to uninstall Wife 1.0
can be disastrous.  Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy
drive.

Trying to un-install or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable
system resources.

You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not
designed to do this.  Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0
or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original
system.  Look in your manual under Warnings- Alimony/Child
Support.  

Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 in the background, while
Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 1.0
and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable
system crash.  

Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling
and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a
virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the
situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read
the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). 
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that
might occur.  The best course of action will be to push apologize
button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs.  System will
run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0:

- Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
- Frequently use Communicator 5.0
   
  
-- Tech Support --

================================================================

From  Thu May 13 07:44:54 1999 -0700
Date: Thu, 13 May 1999 07:27:00 -0600 (MDT)
Subject: More slanderous attacks on engineers
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 77

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.  She threw
the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take
what you want."

"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the
clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

**************************************************************

An engineer is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten
years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to
himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he
thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he
thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this
gorgeous woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since
you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left
sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one,
lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that
good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of
whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof
pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He
takes a long swig and says, "Wow! That's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the
front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it
been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a computer
in there?"

==============================================================

From  Sat May 15 01:51:51 1999 -0700
Date: Sat, 15 May 1999 00:32:44 -0700
Subject: De-prefixers
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 78

DEPREFIXERS
Derived a William Safire column, May 11, 1999

"I was furling my wieldy umbrella when I saw a descript person, a
woman in a state of total array, her clothing shevelled, and she
moved in a gainly way with chalance, gruntled and kempt. She was
peachable, with consolate eyes, iquitous, an imical girl with a
scrutable smile. I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she
was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a
pareil like me. I acted with mitigated gall and made my way,
running mok, through the ruly crowd with strong givings."

==============================================================

From  Wed May 19 18:18:36 1999 -0700
Date: Wed, 19 May 1999 20:00:33 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Re: De-prefixers
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 79


I don't remember if Safire had this -- I believe he did something
similar
-- but this text is closely related to "How I Met My Wife", by
Jack
Winter, from the Shouts and Murmurs back page of _The New
Yorker_. The
copy I have is hand-dated "8/94" and begins as follows:

"It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was
very
chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.

"I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw
her
standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in
a state
of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and
she moved
in a gainly way."

-- Mark



On Tue, 18 May 1999, Charlie Richmond wrote:

#
#---------- Forwarded message ----------
#Date: Sat, 15 May 1999 00:32:44 -0700
#Subject: De-prefixers
#
#DEPREFIXERS
#Derived a William Safire column, May 11, 1999
#
#"I was furling my wieldy umbrella when I saw a descript person,
a
#woman in a state of total array, her clothing shevelled, and she
#moved in a gainly way with chalance, gruntled and kempt. She was
#peachable, with consolate eyes, iquitous, an imical girl with a
#scrutable smile. I was plussed. It was concerting to see that
she
#was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a
#pareil like me. I acted with mitigated gall and made my way,
#running mok, through the ruly crowd with strong givings."
#
#==============================================================
#

From  Sun May 16 14:47:00 1999 -0700
Date: Sun, 16 May 1999 13:27:36 -0700
Subject: New Blame-Shift Plug-in
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 80


We are happy to announce development of a new Blame-Shifter
plug-in that will work with  just about any OS and software on
the market. This represents a millstone in technical improvements
for the everyday user and professional troubleshooter as well. 
Some softwares already do native blame shifting but this plug-in
will add many possibilities (e.g. Cakewalk can do several types
of blame shifting but when the B-S plug-in is accessed there are
further selections available such as the option to blame-shift to
the unfriendly neighbors' negative vibes or electrical
interference from ... electricity!) 

We think all the software producers will appreciate what a help
this plug-in will be for their products' reputation. If this
plug-in won't perform properly with some other product it is
most assuredly the fault of that other product or Windows 9x. We
will assume no responsibility or liability for any kernels that
misbehave and we encourage the downlading and installing of the
new MS DirectBlame drivers v.1.0. 

Please make sure that your slow apps ride on the short bus.

==============================================================

From  Wed Apr 28 17:00:22 1999 -0700
Date: Wed, 28 Apr 1999 13:16:45 -0700
Subject: Rules Men Wish All Women Knew..
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 81

Rules Men Wish All Women Knew....

1.  If you think you are fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.

2.  Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.

3.  Don't cut your hair.  Ever.

4.  Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not holy quests
to see if he can find the perfect present, again, and again, and
again....

5.  Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as cars, sports, electronics,
etc.

6.  If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.

7.  Shopping is not an Olympic qualifying sport.

8.  Anything you wear is fine.  Really!

9.  You have enough clothes.

10. You have too many shoes.

11. Crying is blackmail.  Use it if you must, but don't expect us
to like it.

12. Ask for what you want.  Subtle hints don't work. EVER!

13. No, he doesn't know what day it is.  He never will.  Mark
anniversaries on the calendar in big bold print.

14. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from
point blank range.  We're bound to miss sometimes.

15. Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes-what makes you
think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,
would look good with your dress?

16.  Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

17.  Check your oil.

18. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument.  All comments become null and void after 7 days.

19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

20. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want
it done - not both.

21. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
the commercials.

22. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do
we.

23. I told you I loved you LAST YEAR. If there's any change I'll
let you know.

==============================================================

From  Sat Feb 27 12:08:20 1999 -0800
Date: Sat, 27 Feb 1999 13:54:03 EST
Subject: Kid Stuff
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 82

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I
noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.

"Is that your grandmother?" I asked.

"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."

"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"

"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just
go out there and get her."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention
in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28
and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon
Network!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl
approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate," and he says to
her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect.  You can be the
husband."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so
I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what
color it was. She would tell me and always she was correct. But
it was fun for me, so I continued.

At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I
think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her son pulled
out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread
the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

"What are you doing?" his mom asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy
explained.... "I'm looking for the seal."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a
screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly,
"Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell,
Albert; keep calm, Albert."

A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be
commended for trying to soothe your son Albert."

The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."

================================================================

From  Sat Mar  6 15:35:16 1999 -0800
Date: Sat, 6 Mar 1999 17:19:45 EST
Subject: Catholic Dictionary
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 83

The Catholic Dictionary

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN:
1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the
congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves
higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more
quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found
colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can
recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER:
1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered
by an HMO.
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always
been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass,
consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners
looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass
- led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking
lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they
actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by
David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating
capacity of a pew

================================================================

From  Wed May 19 11:04:25 1999 -0700
Date:  Wed, 19 May 1999 09:36:47 -0700
Subject: New Guide to Tools
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 84

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive
parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

BOX KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
boxes containing seats and leather jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets
in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great
for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line
that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the
more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat
to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting a
barbeque.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars
and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16
or socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in
the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it
against
that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes
you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after
you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the
jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward
off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic
floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your
boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt
holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten
to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying
tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on
the
end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring
sulfuric
acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after
determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you
thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under vehicles at night. Health
benefits
aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about
the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say,
the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be
used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by
someone
in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent
part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

==============================================================

From  Wed May 19 09:51:48 1999 -0700
Date: Wed, 19 May 1999 08:38:34 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Dogs and Pigs
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 85

The Rules of being a Dog.
     
DOG PROPERTY LAWS
1.  If I like it, it's mine.
2.  If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3.  If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4.  If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5.  If it's mine, it must never appear tobe yours in any way. 
6.  If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7.  If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 
8.  If I saw it first, it's mine.
9.  If you are playing with something and you put it down, it
    automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
     
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:
1.  Both take up too much space on the bed.
2.  Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. 
3.  Both mark their territory.
4.  Neither tells you what's bothering them. 
5.  The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. 
6.  Neither does any dishes.
7.  Both fart shamelessly.
8.  Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. 
9.  Both like dominance games.
10. Both are suspicious of the postman.
11. Neither understands what you see in cats.
     
HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:
1.  Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. 
2.  Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3.  Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong. 
4.  Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5.  Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6.  Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never
    laugh at how you throw.)
7.  You can train a dog.
8.  Dogs are easy to buy for.
9.  Dogs understand what "no" means. 
10. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
     
THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN: 
10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9.  A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor. 
8.  A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink. 
7.  A dog never expects you to telephone.
6.  A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday. 
5.  A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life. 
4.  A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3.  A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2.  The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you. 
1.  A dog does not shop.
     
LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:
1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get
what
   you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by
   piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it. 
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as
soon
   as you're dragged out from under the bed).
7. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
    
**************************************************************
     
The pig with a wooden leg:
     
Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his
friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg.  His curiosity
roused, he asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
     
"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig!  A while back a wild
boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods.  That pig
there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. 
Saved my life!" 
     
"And the boar tore up his leg?"  "No he was fine after that. 
But a bit later we had that fire.  Started in the shed up
against the barn.  Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he
was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing
had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
     
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"  "No, Michael.  He
was a might winded, though.  When my tractor hit a rock and
rolled
down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out.  When I
came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out
'fore I drownded.  Sure did save my life."
     
"And that was when he hurt his leg?"  "Oh no, he was fine. 
Cleaned him up, too."
     
"OK, Fred.  So just tell me.  How did he get the wooden leg?"
     
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to
eat all at once."
     
**************************************************************

From  Mon Mar  8 23:05:51 1999 -0800
Date: Tue, 9 Mar 1999 00:49:55 EST
Subject: Barbie Turns Forty
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 86


One of the worlds most famous blondes is turning 40 this year.
She doesn't look a day over 18, well maybe 27.  No cellulite on
her thighs, no wrinkles, no sagging breasts.  Her figure is the
same as it was twenty years ago.  Many girls from around the
world are familiar with this famous blonde.  Some would say
she is more famous than Madonna.

Yes Barbie Millicent Roberts turns forty this year.  Is it time
to give up the mini skirt for something more conservative?  You 
be the judge, but the folks over at Mattel don't seem to think
so.  On the other hand, some women have suggested a few changes
to the world's most popular doll.  Something more fitting for
the now middle aged blonde.  Here's a list of possible new
Barbies...

Bifocals Barbie:  Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion
frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and 
large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

Hot Flash Barbie:  Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face
turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her
forehead!
With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

Facial Hair Barbie:  As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her
whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying
mirror.

Cook's Arms Barbie:  Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,
roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too:
muu-muus are back!  Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.

Bunion Barbie:  Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have
definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet.
Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip
on soft terry mules.
Colors:  pink, rose, blush.

No More Wrinkles Barbie:  Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip
lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line
of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

Soccer Mom Barbie:  All that experience as a cheerleader is
really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school
megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr.. With minivan in robin's
egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and
fruit punch.

Midlife Crisis Barbie:  It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a
change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor
ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata
and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real
tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

Single Mother Barbie:  There's not much time for primping any
more!  Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream
House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a
fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and
accessories to raise rent money.
Complete garage sale kit included.

Recovery Barbie:  Too many parties have finally caught up with
the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance
steps!  Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously.
Comes with little copy of The Big Book, a six-pack of Diet Coke,
and a pack of Marlboro Lights.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mattel may not want to turn Barbie into a middle aged doll as
some women suggested.  Still others say it is high time for Ms.
Roberts to get in touch with the modern times.  Here are some
suggestions for a 90's type of Barbie.

Birkenstock Barbie:  Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet
and comfortable sandals.  Made from recycled materials.

Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

Bitten Bullet Barbie:  An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet,
camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform
surgery on herself in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie:  Comes with overalls, protective goggles,
lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union organizing and pay
scales for women as compared to men.  Waitressing outfits and
cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies holding
down two jobs in order to make ends meet.

Our Barbies Ourselves:  Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside
and out; comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying
glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little
girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non threatening
way.  Also includes tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual
responsibility. 
Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus
with fetuses at various stages of development and breast pump are
all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to
do what she chooses with her own Barbie.

Rebbe Barbie:  So why not?  Women rabbis are on the cutting edge
of Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny yarmulke, prayer shawl,
teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Options include a
tiny mezuzahs for doorway of...

Barbie townhouse.  Accessories include garb suitable for most
Christian and eastern faiths.  So why not already?

Home girl Barbie:  A Truly fly Barbie in midriff baring shirt and
baggy jeans. complete with gold jewelry, hip hop accessories and
plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't
THINK so!", "Dang, get outta my face" and "you GO girl!"  Teaches
girls not to take sh*t from men and condescending white people.

Transgender Barbie:  Formerly known as G.I. Joe

Robotic Barbie:  Hey kids! Experiment with an autonomous two
legged walking machine!  After falling over, she says "Control
theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!"

Dinner Roll Barbie:  A Barbie with multiple love handles, double
chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls
that voluptuousness is also beautiful.  Comes with a miniature
basket of dinner rolls, Bucket-O'-Fried-Chicken, tiny Entenmann's
walnut coffee ring, a brick of Sealtest Ice cream, three bags of
potato chips, a T-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat" and, of
course, an appetite.

Melrose Place Barbie:  Comes with her own Barbie Dream Apartment,
where Skipper and the rest of the gang live together.  Other 
accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest
warrant.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other
homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use on the
Plains, and how to take care of one's nails while shoeing a
horse.

America's Most Wanted Barbie:  She's on the run after 30 years of
crimes against feminism!

Oprah Barbie:  Push a button on her back and she actually speaks!
Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math
class really is, Ballerina barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens
who wear Barbie's clothes.

My So-called Barbie:  She faces the same troubling issues as
teens who don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, ponies
and boyfriends.

Roseanne Barbie:  The dark side of the American Dream is explored
with this doll, which shows what happens after Barbie graduated
from high school, married too young and ate too much.

Murder, Barbie Wrote:  Whenever this elder stateswoman of the
Barbie set (she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other
dolls mysteriously disappear.

===============================================================

From  Wed Mar 17 12:38:58 1999 -0800
Date: Wed, 17 Mar 1999 14:19:22 EST
Subject: Airliner makes an emergency sea landing...
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 87

An airliner makes an emergency sea crash-landing in an
archipelago of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of the
South Pacific.

The following passengers manage to swim to various islands,
three people to each island:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman

Two Frenchmen and one French woman

Two German men and one German woman

Two Greek men and one Greek woman

Two English men and one English woman

Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman

Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

Two American men and one American woman

Two Irish men and one Irish woman


One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in
the middle of nowhere, these things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian
woman.

The two Frenchmen and the French woman are living happily
together in a menage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they
alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other while the Greek
woman is cooking and cleaning for them.

The two English men fix themselves some cucumber sandwiches, a
pot of Earl Grey tea, and are waiting for someone to introduce
them to the English woman.

The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one
look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide,
while the American woman keeps on saying that her body is her
own, defining the true nature of feminism, stating how she can do
everything they can do, preaching about the necessity of
fulfillment, laying out the equal division of household chores,
reciting how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated
her much nicer, and whining about how her relationship with her
mother is not improving.  But at least taxes are low and it isn't
raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for
instructions.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and
setting up a distillery.  They do not remember if sex is in the
picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters
of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the
English are not doing it.

=============================================================

From  Wed Mar 17 13:09:38 1999 -0800
Date: Wed, 17 Mar 1999 14:45:25 EST
Subject: Hollywood
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 88

A film producer parks his brand new Porsche Carerra Cabriolet,
and just as he swings the door open to get out, a truck speeds by
and completely tears it off.  The producer, ready to kill, grabs
his cell phone, dials his assistant and tells her to dial 911!
Immediately!

Soon a cop pulls up, but before he can begin to speak the
producer starts screaming hysterically - his car, a work of art,
which he just picked up, was completely ruined, would never be
the same, reduced to junk, he can't drive around in a piece of
junk, does the cop have any idea who he is - and then the
producer proceeds to list his credits, exaggerating the grosses a
little.

The cop calmly listens until the producer runs out of steam,
then shaking his head says, "I can't believe how materialistic
you movie people are. You're all so focused on your precious
possessions that you notice nothing else."

"How can you say such a thing?" fires back the insulted
producer.

The cop replies, "Did you notice that your left arm is missing
from the elbow down?"

"Damn!!!!!" screams the producer. "My Rolex!"

=============================================================

From  Fri May 28 11:49:24 1999 -0700
Subject: Signs That You've Had TOO MUCH Of The 90's
Date: Fri, 28 May 1999 09:16:48 -0000
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 89

Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90's

-
You try to enter your password on the microwave.-
-
You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."-
-
You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.-
-
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.-
-
You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready,
and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"-
-
Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.-
-
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa,
but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.-
-
You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted
one for your e-mail buddies via a Web page.-
-
Your daughter just bought on CD all the records your college
roommate used to play that you most despised.-
-
You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date . . . and
now sells for half the price you paid.-
-
The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to
make a purchase is foreign to you.-
-
Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out
of the back seat of your car.-
-
Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do
not have e-mail addresses.-
-
You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.-
-
You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.-
-
Your idea of being organized is multiple colored postit notes.-
-
You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.-

==============================================================

From  Wed May 12 18:08:16 1999 -0700
Date:  Wed, 12 May 1999 19:42:03 -0400
Subject:  Brick Moving
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 90

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DAY WHEN...?

The following is an excerpt from a claim form which was
submitted to an insurance company...you know, the type of form
where you're supposed to describe a disaster in 25 words
or less in a space only slightly larger than a postage stamp...

"I am writing in response to your request for additional
information. In block number 3 of the accident report form, I put
"Trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You
said in your letter that I should explain fully and I trust the
following will suffice.

"I am a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident, I was
working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I
completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds
of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I
decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which
fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth
floor.

"Securing the rope at the ground, I went up to the roof, swung
the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then, I went back to
the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure
a slow descent of the 500 pounds of brick.

"You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form
that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off
the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot
to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather
rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down.
This explains the fractured skull and broken collar bone.

"Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping
until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into
the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence
of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my
pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of
bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighs
approximately 50 pounds.

"I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might
imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on
my legs and lower body.

"The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my
injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately,
only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however,
that as I lay there on the bricks, in pain, unable to stand and
watching the empty barrel six stories above me--- again, I lost
my presence of mind and let go of the rope. The empty barrel
weighed more than the rope so it came back down on me and broke
both of my legs.

"I hope this explanation is satisfactory."

==============================================================

From  Tue Nov 17 09:48:47 1998 -0800
Date: Tue, 17 Nov 1998 09:51:45 -0700
Subject: Error Haikus
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 91

Sony has announced its own computer operating system now
available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio. Instead of
producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of
Microsoft's Windows 95, 3.1, and DOS operating systems, Sony's
chairman Asai Tawara said, "We intend to capture the high ground
by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been - until now -
an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For
example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry." The chairman
went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages:

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -  - - - - - - -
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen.  Mind.  Both are blank.
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

================================================================

From  Fri May 14 18:41:47 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 14 May 1999 20:22:51 EDT
Subject: Madonna in Hungarian mag, Fwd
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 92

The following are extracts from an interview with MADONNA by the
Hungarian magazine, Blikk. The questions to MADONNA were asked in
Hungarian and then translated into English. MADONNA's responses
were then translated into Hungarian. The interview was then
published in Hungarian and, finally, translated back into
English. Time Magazine states, "to say that something was lost in
the process is to be wildly ungrateful for all that was gained."

 BLIKK: MADONNA, Budapest says hello with arms that are
spread-eagled.  Did you have a visit here that was agreeable? Are
you in good odour?  You are the biggest fan of our young people
who hear your musical productions and like to move their bodies
in response.

 MADONNA: Thank you for saying these compliments (holds up
hands). Please  stop with taking sensationalist photographs until
I have removed my garments for all to see. (laughs). This is a
joke I have made.

 BLIKK: MADONNA, let's cut to toward the hunt. Are you a bold
hussy-woman that feasts on men who are tops?

 MADONNA: Yes, yes, this is certainly something that brings to
the surface my longings. In America it is not considered to be
mentally ill when a woman advances on her prey in a discotheque
setting with hardy cocktails present. 
And there is a more normal attitude toward leather play-toys that
also makes my day.

 BLIKK: Is this how you met Carlos, your love servant who is
reputed? Did you know he was heaven-sent right off the stick? Or
were you dating many other people in your bed at the same time?

 MADONNA: No, he was the only one I was dating in my bed then, so
it is a scientific fact that the baby was made in my womb using
him. But as regards those questions, enough! I am a woman and not
a test-mouse! Carlos is an everyday person who is in the orbit of
a star who is being muscle-trained by him not a sex machine.

 BLIKK: May we talk about your other "baby", your movie, then?
Please do not be denying that the similarities between you and
the real Evita are grounded in basis. Power, money, tasty-food,
Grammys-all these elements are afoot.

 MADONNA: What is up in the air with you? Evita never was winning
a Grammy!

 BLIKK: Perhaps not. But as to your film, in trying to bring your
reputation along a rocky road, can you make people forget the bad
explosions of Who's That Girl? and Shanghai Surprise?

 MADONNA: I am a tip-top starlet. That is the job that I am paid
to do.

 BLIKK: O.K. here's a question from left space. What was your
book Slut about?

 MADONNA: It was called Sex, my book.

 BLIKK: Not in Hungary. Here it was called Slut. How did it come
to publish?  Were you lovemaking with a an-about-town printer? Do
you prefer making suggestive literature to fast selling CDs?

 MADONNA: These are different facets to my career highway. I am
preferring only to become respected all over the map as a 100%
artist.

 BLIKK: There is much interest in you from this geographical
region so must ask this final questions. How many Hungarian men
have you dated in bed? Are they No. 1? How are they comparing to
Argentine men, who are famous for being tip-top as well?

 MADONNA: Well, to avoid aggravating global tension, I won't say.
It's a tie (laughs). No, no, I am serious now. See here I am
working like a canine all the way around the clock! I am too busy
even to try the goulash that makes your country for the record
books.

 BLIKK: Thank you for your candid chitchat.

 MADONNA: No problem, friend who is a girl.

==============================================================

From  Wed Apr 21 07:03:25 1999 -0700
Date: Wed, 21 Apr 1999 08:37:32 EDT
Subject: LIttle-known facts
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 93

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog."
uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to
test telex/twx communications)

The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter is uncopyrightable.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days
of  yore, when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses
were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up
straight staircases.

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus
the name of the Don McLean song.)

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king
from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great;
Hearts-Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted
people without killing them would burn their houses down - hence
the expression "to get fired."

Only two people signed the US Declaration of Independence on July
4th John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed
on  August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years
later.

The term, "the whole nine yards," came from WWII fighter pilots
in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the
.50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet,
before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all
their ammo at a target, it got "the whole nine yards."

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes
them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law
which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider
than your thumb.

An ostrich's eye is bigger that its brain.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in
every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable
as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for
the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms
as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of
Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet
facilities for blacks and  whites.

Cat's urine glows under a black light.

The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest
point in Colorado.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you
have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins
without being able to make change for a dollar.

No NFL team that plays its home games in a domed stadium has
ever won a Superbowl.

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It to
Beaver".

The only two days of the year in which there are no professional
sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and
the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

The name "Wendy" was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting
license.

It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a
year's supply of footballs.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating
are already married.

Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.

The three most valuable brand names on earth:  Marlboro, 
Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the
palms of their hands.

Ten percent of the Russian government's income is derived from
the sale of vodka.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every
year.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the
world's nuclear weapons combined.

Reno, Nevada, is west of Los Angeles, California.

Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years.
Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.

Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: Celery, Coffee, Cola, Apple,
and Chocolate.

==============================================================

From  Wed Jun  2 07:27:14 1999 -0700
Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 09:09:38 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Re: Little-known facts (or non-facts)
Status: RO
X-Status: A
X-Keywords:                
X-UID: 94

On Tue, 1 Jun 1999, Charlie Richmond wrote:

#The term, "the whole nine yards," came from WWII fighter pilots
#in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the
#.50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet,
#before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all
#their ammo at a target, it got "the whole nine yards."

Also said to refer to nine cubic yards as the contents of a
standard-size
dump truck. Also other explanations.

#The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law
#which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything
wider
#than your thumb.

Totally bogus, phony, false, baloney, and wrong. There never was
any such
law.

#Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the
#palms of their hands.

I don't *think* this is so. I think chimps, our closest kin, also
have
pale palms.

#On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every
#year.

Is that still so? Take a look at the top of your BiC or other
such pen.
You'll notice that it's not solid, but has a hole or holes in it.
These
were added so that people (esp. kids) who hold the caps in their
mouths
and accidentally suck them into the windpipe will not be
asphyxiated while
trying/waiting to get the cap out.

#Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: Celery, Coffee, Cola, Apple,
#and Chocolate.

Is there a problem with the letter "C"?

-- Mark A. Mandel
   ConCertino '99 Program(med) Chair
   July 9-11, 1999, Westborough, Mass.
   http://www.lovesong.com/massfilc/concertino/


From  Wed Jun  2 20:14:38 1999 -0700
Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 21:49:40 EDT
Subject: Answers to the history test
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 95

   Actual Answers to Sixth Grade History tests:
 
1.  Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics.  They lived in the Sarah Dessert.  The climate of
the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2.  The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
book of  the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an
apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my
brother's son?"

3.  Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made 
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He
died before  he ever reached Canada.

4.  Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5.  The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them
we  wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is
a female moth.

6.  Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man
of that name.

7.  Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice.  They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose
of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
decline.

8.  In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
biscuits, and threw the java.

9.  Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls
people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very
long.

10.  Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
Gaul.  The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was

going to be made king.  Dying, he gasped out:"Tee hee, Brutus."

11.  Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by
playing the fiddle to them.

12.  Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by
Bernard Shaw.

13.  Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged
twice for the same offense.

14.  In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems
and verses and also wrote literature.

15.  Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an
apple while standing on his son's head.

16.  Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen."  As a queen she was
a success.  When she exposed herself before her troops they all
shouted "hurrah."

17.  It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible.  Another important
invention was the circulation of blood.  Sir Walter Raleigh is a
historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started
smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a
100-foot clipper.

18.  The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespeare.  He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his 
birthday.  He never made much money and  is famous only because
of his plays.  He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies,
all in  Islamic pentameter.  Romeo and Juliet are an example of
a heroicouplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

19.  Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.  The next great author was John
Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he
wrote Paradise  Regained.

20.  During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus
was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about
the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the
Santa Fe.

21.  Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called
Pilgrim's Progress.  The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many died and many babies were born.  Captain John
Smith was responsible for all this.

22.  One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English
put tacks in their  tea. Also, the colonists would send their
parcels through the post without  stamps. Finally the colonists
won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

23.  Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress.  Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were
two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin
discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and
declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."  
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

24.  Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

25.  Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died  in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin
which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the
slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of
April 14, 1865, Lincoln  went to the theater and got shot in his
seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed
assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.
This ruined Booth's career.

==============================================================

From  Sun May 30 11:32:04 1999 -0700
Date: Sun, 30 May 1999 10:14:12 -0800
Subject: Virus warning!!!!  :-)
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 96

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it
immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it
will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your
computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It
reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your
VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you
attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so
all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program
your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will
drink all your beer. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee
table when you are expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and
bellybutton fuzz to migrate behind your ears. It will replace
your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while
dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing
their restaurant rendezvous to your Visa card which of course no
longer works.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way
that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active
verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable
misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key
sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment,
it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer
plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only
remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but
it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. It will
molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to
smell like dill pickles.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to
behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

BEWARE!!!

==============================================================

From  Sat May 29 02:44:54 1999 -0700
Date: Sat, 29 May 1999 04:25:23 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Units conversions....
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 97

10**12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone
10**6 bicycles = 2 Megacycles
500 millinaries = 1 seminary
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1/2 lavatory - 1 demijohn
10** -6 fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 unit of suspense in a mystery novel = 1 whod unit
10**12 pins = 1 terrapin
10**-12 Boulevard = 1 Pico Boulevard  (L.A.)
10**21 picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
10 decorations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost
2 monologues = 1 dialogue
5 dialogues = 1 decalogue
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickles = 2 paradigms
2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
2 wharves = 1 paradox
1 milli-Helen (of Troy) = amount of face that can launch one ship

{O,o}	Ack Plplbltpt!

==============================================================

From  Thu May 13 16:20:58 1999 -0700
Date:  Thu, 13 May 1999 16:50:14 -0500
Subject:  Another story
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 98


Reading about the poor bricklayer and his woes, followed by the
janitor and HIS problems led me to remember a similar story of
similar stupidity. 

We were engaged in replacing the wire ropes and pipe battens in a
high school in 1984. To make the task of painting the dozens of
1-1/2" schedule 40 pipe easier, one of my (former) employees
rigged up a pipe rack using two counterweight sets. He rigged
three lines on each set with a large loop in the end of each line
secured by a nicopress sleeve and arranged three pipes to be
perpendicular to the proscenium. 

He then loaded the sixty or so pieces of pipe parallel to the
proscenium and arranged them to be on top of the perpendicular
pipes. With the support pipes stuck into the loops of the
hoisting lines, he loaded the two arbors with enough weight to
raise the whole contraption off the floor to a convenient
painting height. You can see this coming, can't you?

The first coat of paint went pretty well and he left the thing in
the air overnight to dry. The next day he wanted to roll the
pipes over to paint the other side. As he was turning the pipes
the thing got out of balance on one set to make the whole mess
roll, and when they started to roll things happened in a hurry. 
Mind you, I was not on the jobsite.  I was in the office,
supposedly counting the piles of money I would make on this job.

As the pipes rolled downstage the two sets became progressively
out of balance relative to each other. The rope lock on the
lighter loaded upstage set eventually released and it's arbor
began to descend, raising the upstage end some more, causing
pipes to roll downstage faster.  Then the support pipes slipped
out of the loops which freed both the arbors and the pipes, and
the whole mess was governed only by the law of gravity.

Very fortunately, there were no injuries. There were ten or
twelve people working on the deck at that time, but all managed
to scramble to safety. The rapidly ascending, gyrating wire ropes
damaged the face of the Wenger acoustic shell, which had to be
repaired and broke a dozen rondels in the midstage borderlight. 
The free-falling arbors ripped out the crash bar at the bottom
and kept on going through the floor blocks. When the arbors
stopped suddenly they disintegrated, and several weights left
craters in the wood floor. The pipes were all generally
unscathed, although several 2" diameter cookie-cutter bites
needed to be repaired in the floor.

I learned of this when my employee called from the jobsite.  He
was nearly sobbing and kept saying how sorry he was.  I was able
to determine that nobody was hurt or dead but he wouldn't give
details, just that I'd have to see it.  When I got there, about
50 people had arrived, drawn by what had to have been a lot of
noise and having been summoned by my other workers.  Everybody
had a kind of stupid look on their face, but my guys definitely
looked the stupidest.  

It's been 15 years since then, and the only cash it cost me was
the $1000 deductible on my insurance, but once in a while I
shudder to think how much more devastating it might have been.

Best regards,
 Frank E. Merrill
 MERRILL STAGE EQUIPMENT
 Indianapolis
 ICQ #23487869

==============================================================

From  Fri Jun  4 11:43:23 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1999 13:21:05 -0400
Subject: Strunkenwhite virus alert
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 99

STRUNKENWHITE VIRUS!!! A new computer "virus" is spreading
throughout the Internet, and it is far more insidious than the
recent Chernobyl menace. Named Strunkenwhite after the authors
of a classic guide to good writing, it returns e-mail messages
that have grammatical or spelling errors. It is deadly accurate
in its detection abilities, unlike the dubious spell checkers
that come with word processing programs.

The virus is causing something akin to panic throughout corporate
America, which has become used to the typos, misspellings,
missing words and mangled syntax so acceptable in cyberspace. The
CEO of LoseItAll.com, an Internet startup, said the virus has
rendered him helpless. "Each time I tried to send one particular
e-mail this morning, I got back this error message: 'Your
dependent clause preceding your independent clause must be set
off by commas, but one must not precede the conjunction.' I threw
my laptop across the room."

A top executive at a telecommunications and long-distance
company, 10-10-10-10-10-10-123, said: "This morning, the same
e-mail kept coming back to me with a pesky notation claiming I
needed to use a pronoun's possessive case before a gerund. With
the number of e-mails I crank out each day, who has time for
proper grammar? Whoever created this virus should have their
programming fingers broken."

A broker at Begg, Barow and Steel said he couldn't return to the
"bad, old" days when he had to send paper memos in proper
English. He speculated that the hacker who created Strunkenwhite
was a "disgruntled English major who couldn't make it on a
trading floor. When you're buying and selling on margin, I don't
think it's anybody's business if I write that 'i meetinged
through the morning, then cinched the deal on the cel phone while
bareling down the xway.'"

If Strunkenwhite makes e-mailing impossible, it could mean the
end to a communication revolution once hailed as a significant
timesaver. A study of 1,254 office workers in Leonia, N.J. found
that e-mail increased employees' productivity by 1.8 hours a day
because they took less time to formulate their thoughts. (The
same study also found that they lost 2.2 hours of productivity
because they were e-mailing so many jokes to their spouses,
parents and stockbrokers.)

Strunkenwhite is particularly difficult to detect because it
doesn't come as an e-mail attachment (which requires the
recipient to open it before it becomes active). Instead, it is
disguised within the text of an e-mail entitled "Congratulations
on your pay raise." The message asks the recipient to "click here
to find out about how your raise effects your pension." The use
of "effects" rather than the grammatically correct "affects"
appears to be an inside joke from Strunkenwhite's mischievous
creator.

The virus also has left government e-mail systems in disarray.
Officials at the Office of Management and Budget can no longer
transmit electronic versions of federal regulations because their
highly technical language seems to run afoul of Strunkenwhite's
dictum that "vigorous writing is concise." The White House
speechwriting office reported that it had received the same
message, along with a caution to avoid phrases such as "the truth
is" and "in fact." Home computer users also are reporting snafus,
although an e-mailer who used the word "snafu" said she had come
to regret it.

The virus can have an even more devastating impact if it infects
an entire network. A cable news operation was forced to shut down
its computer system for several hours when it discovered that
Strunkenwhite had somehow infiltrated its TelePrompTer software,
delaying newscasts and leaving news anchors nearly tongue-tied as
they wrestled with proper sentence structure.

There is concern among law enforcement officials that
Strunkenwhite is a harbinger of the increasingly sophisticated
methods hackers are using to exploit the vulnerability of
business's reliance on computers. "This is one of the most
complex and invasive examples of computer code we have ever
encountered. We just can't imagine what kind of devious mind
would want to tamper with e-mails to create this burden on
communications," said an FBI agent who insisted on speaking via
the telephone out of concern that trying to e-mail his comments
could leave him tied up for hours.

Meanwhile, bookstores and online booksellers reported a surge in
orders for Strunk & White's "The Elements of Style."

---------------------------------------------------------------
Geoff Sowrey, Sr. Technical Writer / External Relations Manager
Radical Entertainment
1052 Homer St.
Vancouver, BC, Canada  V6B 2W9
O: 604.602.2715
F: 604.685.0298
W: http://www.radical.ca

==============================================================

From  Mon Jun  7 14:35:19 1999 -0700
Date:  Mon, 07 Jun 1999 15:58:55 -0400
Subject: Theatrical Light Bulb Jokes
Status: O
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                  
X-UID: 100

The CITT Official Theatrical Light Bulb Jokes List:

The Original:

How many ____ does it take to change a light bulb?: (Five - one
to hold the bulb and four to turn the stool.)

Now:

Producers:    We need a _light_bulb_?
Actors (1):   Eight. One to change it, and seven to say "_I_
              can do that."
Actors (2):   That's a techie's job. (_We_ wait tables!)
Directors:    Don't ask me about light bulbs, just make it
              work... NOW!
Technicians:  Only one. We're professionals.
P.M.s:        It's not in the schedule.
T.D.s:        I'll give a note to the head of the department.
Prop People:  What lamp is it for?
Dancers:      Four. Two to dance on with the ladder, one to
              pirouette on the top step while holding the bulb,
              and one to call the ambulance.
Accountants:  What account is this being charged to?
Electricians: Can you send someone out to get another one and
              two spares?
Pedantic Electrician: It's not a bulb--it's a lamp!
Sound Tech:   It's not my department.
Acrobats:     Three. One to hold the bulb, two to spin the
              trampline.
Instructors:  None. We'll make the students do it and call it a
              class project.
Wardrobe:     One to call the production manager and say that
              they can't do any more work until it's fixed.
Designers:    The bulb I want is from France.
Riggers:      Three. One to clip himself into a harness, one to
              load the arbour, and one to run the lineset.
Pyro-maniacs: Light bulb? Ha! You won't need a light bulb when
              I set off _this_ little sucker!
Reviewers:    Only one. The world revolves around them.
Stage Managers: They will put it on a rehearsal note memo, and
              the production manager or technical director will
              probably do it.
Consultants:  We may need to change more than one light bulb.
              Before we change it, we should do a study to
              analyze the amount of illumination needed, and the
              proper type and placement of lighting sources. 
              Subsequent to this study, for a small fee, we will
              write a recommendation and....

==============================================================

From  Mon Jun  7 14:35:19 1999 -0700
Date:  Mon, 07 Jun 1999 15:58:55 -0400
Subject: Religions of the World
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 101

Religions of the World Explained

TAOISM -         Shit Happens
CONFUCIANISM -   Confucius say: "Shit Happens"
BUDDHISM -       If shit happens, it really isn't shit.
ZEN -            What is the sound of shit happening?
HINDUISM -       This shit has happened before.
ISLAM -          If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
PROTESTANTISM -  Let shit happen to someone else.
CATHOLICISM (pre Vatican II) - If shit happens, you must have
                 done something to deserve it.
CATHOLICISM (post Vatican II) - If shit happens, I want it to be
                 meaningful..or..if shit happens, it is the fault
                 of the clergy.
PRESBYTERIANISM - It is fore-ordained that shit will happen.
FUNDAMENTALISM - Praise be to Jay-zez, shit has happened!
JUDAISM -        Why does shit always happen to us!?
NEW AGE -        Visualize shit happening..or..if shit happens,
                 channel it.
RASTAFARIANISM - Really great shit happens.
METAPHYSICS -    Shit happens to the divine in all of us..or..
                 shit is part of the essence of all of us.
JEHOVAH'S WITNESS - If you just let me in, I'll tell you how shit
                 happens.
MORMONISM -      It is the will of God to allow a man to have two
                 or more shits happening..or..just be sure you
                 have a two year food supply.
AGNOSTICISM -    We really don't know if shit happens.
ATHEISM -        No one gives a shit!
DEVIL WORSHIPPERS - Think they're hot shit.

==============================================================

From  Wed Jun  2 20:06:47 1999 -0700
Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 21:36:22 EDT
Subject: Theatre Dictionary
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 102

Eternity
The time that passes between a dropped cue and the next line

Prop
A hand-carried object small enough to be lost by an actor 30
seconds before it is needed on stage

Director
The individual who suffers from the delusion that he or she is
responsible for every moment of brilliance cited by the critic
in the local review 

Blocking
The art of moving actors on the stage in such a manner as not to
collide with the walls, the furniture, the orchestra pit or
each other. Similar to playing chess, except that the pawns want
to argue with you.

Blocking Rehearsal
A rehearsal taking place early in the production schedule where
actors frantically write down movements which will be
nowhere in evidence by opening night

Quality Theater
Any show with which you were directly involved

Turkey
Every show with which you were not directly involved

Dress rehearsal
Rehearsal that becomes a whole new ball game as actors attempt to
maneuver among the 49 objects that the set designer added at 7:30
that evening

Tech week
The last week of rehearsal when everything that was supposed to
be done weeks before finally comes together at the last
minute; reaches its grand climax on dress rehearsal night when
costumes rip, a dimmer pack catches fire and the director
has a nervous breakdown. Also known as hell week.

Set
An obstacle course which, throughout the rehearsal period, defies
the laws of physics by growing smaller week by week while
continuing to occupy the same amount of space

Monologue
That shining moment when all eyes are focused on a single actor
who is desperately aware that if he forgets a line, no one can
save him

Dark Night
The night before opening when no rehearsal is scheduled so the
actors  and crew can go home and get some well-deserved rest, and
instead spend the night staring sleeplessly at the ceiling
because they're sure they needed one more rehearsal.

Bit Part
An opportunity for the actor with the smallest role to count
everybody else's lines and mention repeatedly that he or she
has the smallest part in the show.

Green Room
Room shared by nervous actors waiting to go on stage and the
precocious children whose actor parents couldn't get a
baby-sitter that night, a situation which can result in
justifiable homicide.

Dark Spot
An area of the stage which the lighting designer has inexplicably
forgotten to light, and which has a magnetic attraction for the
first-time actor. A dark spot is never evident before opening
night.

Hands
Appendages at the end of the arms used for manipulating one's
environment, except on a stage, where they grow six
times their normal size and either dangle uselessly, fidget
nervously, or try to hide in your pockets

Stage Manager
Individual responsible for overseeing the crew, supervising the
set changes, baby-sitting the actors and putting the director in
a hammerlock to keep him from killing the actor who just decided
to turn his walk-on part into a major role by doing magic tricks
while he serves the tea.

Lighting Director
Individual who, from the only vantage point offering a full view
of the stage, gives the stage manager a heart attack by
announcing a play-by-play of everything that's going wrong

Makeup Kit
(1) among experienced community theater actors, a battered tackle
box loaded with at least 10 shades of greasepaint in
various stages of desiccation, tubes of lipstick and blush,
assorted pencils, bobby pins, braids of crepe hair, liquid latex,
old programs, jewelry, break-a-leg greeting cards from past
shows, brushes and a handful of half-melted cough drops;
(2) for first-time male actors, a helpless look and anything they
can borrow.

The Forebrain
The part of an actors brain which contains lines, blocking and
characterization; activated by hot lights

The Hindbrain
The part of an actors brain that keeps up a running subtext in
the background while the forebrain is trying to act; the
hindbrain supplies a constant stream of unwanted information,
such as who is sitting in the second row tonight, a notation to
seriously maim the crew member who thought it would be funny to
put real Tabasco sauce in the fake Bloody Marys, or the fact that
you need to do laundry on Sunday.

Stage Crew
Group of individuals who spend their evenings coping with
50-minute stretches of total boredom interspersed with 30-second
bursts of mindless panic.

Message Play
Any play which its director describes as "worthwhile," "a
challenge to actors and audience alike," or "designed to make the
audience think." Critics will be impressed both by the daring
material and the roomy accommodations, since they're likely to
have the house all to themselves.

Bedroom Farce
Any play which requires various states of undress on stage and
whose set sports a lot of doors. The lukewarm reviews, all of
which feature the phrase "typical community theater fare" in the
opening paragraph, are followed paradoxically by a frantic
attempt to schedule more performances to accommodate the overflow
crowds.

Assistant Director
Individual willing to undertake special projects that nobody else
would take on a bet, such as working one-on-one with the
brain-dead actor whom the rest of the cast has threatened to take
out a contract on.

Set Piece
Any large piece of furniture which actors will resolutely use as
a safety shield between themselves and the audience, in an
apparent attempt to both anchor themselves to the floor, thereby
avoiding floating off into space, and to keep the audience from
seeing that they actually have legs

Strike
The time immediately following the last performance while all
cast and crew members are required to stay and dismantle, or
watch the two people who own Makita screw drivers dismantle, the
set.


Gloria Dennison, Stage Coach Players, Dekalb, Illinois

Actors (As defined by a set designer)
People who stand between the audience and the set designer's art,
blocking the view. That's also the origin of the word "blocking,"
by the way.

Greg Quillinan, Florham Park Players, Morris Plains, NJ

Stage Right, Stage Left
Two simple directions actors pretend not to understand in order
to drive directors crazy. ("No, no, your OTHER stage right!")

Teri Robert, Actor's Guild of Parkersburg, WV

"Just remember: It's only community Theatre until it offends
someone... then it's ART!"

==============================================================

From  Sun Jun  6 00:58:03 1999 -0700
Date: Sat, 05 Jun 1999 23:40:25 -0700
Subject: Lateral thinking....
Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1999 00:54:30 -0700
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 103

Lateral thinking....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S.
National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a
ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space
capsules.

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen
was developed at a cost of about $241 million U.S. The pen
worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item
back here on Earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same
problem, used a pencil.

==============================================================

From  Mon Jun  7 14:35:19 1999 -0700
Date:  Mon, 07 Jun 1999 15:58:55 -0400
Subject: Five Stages of a Project
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 104

The Five Stages of a Project

STAGE 1
Excitement, Euphoria

STAGE 2
Disenchantment

STAGE 3
Search for the Guilty

STAGE 4
Punishment of the Innocent

STAGE 5
Distinction for the Uninvolved

==============================================================

From  Sat Jun  5 23:57:20 1999 -0700
Date: Sat, 5 Jun 1999 22:40:28 -0800
Subject: Life in the 1500's
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 105

Life in the 1500s

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly
bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However,
they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of
flowers to hide the b.o.

Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the
house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the
other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last
of all the babies.

By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in
it.  Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath
water."

Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all
the pets ... dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs
lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and
sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.  Hence
the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs,"

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other
droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they
found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the
top, it addressed that problem.  Hence those beautiful big 4
poster beds with canopies.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than
dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors
which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread
thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter
wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the
door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was
placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh hold."

They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over
the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the
pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn't get much meat. They
would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get
cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the
stew had food in it that had been in there for a month. Hence the
rhyme: "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in
the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special
when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out
some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth
and that a man "could really bring home the bacon." They would
cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around
and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid
content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This
happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating
tomatoes ... for 400 years.

Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a
piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers
were never washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood.
After eating off wormy trenchers, they would get "trench mouth."

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt
bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the
top, or the "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination
would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone
walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them
for burial.  They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple
of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and
wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a
"wake."

England is old and small and they started running out of places
to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take
their bones to a house and reuse the grave. In reopening these
coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks
on the inside and they realized they had been burying people
alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and
lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it
to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all
night to listen for the bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift" they
would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead
ringer."

==============================================================

From  Mon Jun  7 14:35:19 1999 -0700
Date:  Mon, 07 Jun 1999 15:58:55 -0400
Subject: Living Language
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 106

From Vancouver Magazine, 1999 Jan/Feb:

Living Language

They sound the same and they're usually even spelled the same. 
But to a boomer (a) and gen-xer (b), the same phrase may have
vastly different meaning.  So which comes to mind first?  And
can't we all just get along?--Guy Saddy

Crash
(a) going to sleep, often at a friend's domicile
(b) unexpected quitting of a computer clearly designed by an
imbecile

Conservative Party
(a) political organization without any legitimacy
(b) social gathering without any Ecstacy

Pad
(a) apartment or house
(b) a place for one's mouse

Downsizing
(a) successful attempt at losing weight
(b) successful attempt at jettisoning jobs

The Gap
(a) inter-generational misunderstanding
(b) international clothing retailer

Designer Jeans
(a) Calvin Klein
(b) Dolly the Sheep

Kitsilano [local trendy area] Carrot
(a) home-grown marijuana cigarette
(b) organically grown vegetable

Mutual Funds
(a) communal collection box, used to purchase food and shelter
(b) personal pension plan, used as a tax shelter

Panhandling
(a) kitchen job involving slinging of pans
(b) social problem inspiring wringing of hands

Quad
(a) instantly obsolete stereo system
(b) instantly obsolete CD-ROM drive

Burn
(a) when a drug purchase goes wrong (i.e., "What a burn.")
(b) when an exercise program is done right (i.e., "Feel the
burn.")

Rap
(a) sincere dialogue
(b) musical monologue

Monopoly
(a) famous board game--see also ITT
(b) fledgling computer game--see also MICROSOFT

Georgia Straight [local alternative newspaper] Publisher Dan
MacLeod
(a) quixotic challenger of the Shaughnessy [upscale
neighbourhood] power elite
(b) the Shaughnessy power elite

==============================================================

From  Mon Jun  7 14:35:19 1999 -0700
Date:  Mon, 07 Jun 1999 15:58:55 -0400
Subject: Hotel Pet Policy
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 107

Hotel Pet Policy

Dogs are welcome in this hotel.  We never had a dog that smoked
in bed and set a fire to the blankets.  We never had a dog that
stole our towels and played the TV too loud, or had a noisy fight
with his traveling companion.  We never had a dog that got drunk
and broke up the furniture...  So if your dog can vouch for you,
you're welcome too.

- The Management

==============================================================

From  Mon Jun  7 14:35:19 1999 -0700
Date:  Mon, 07 Jun 1999 15:58:55 -0400
Subject: Sensuous and Godlike Trombone
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 108

From StageWorks, 1997 April:

Sensuous and Godlike Trombone Playing

For all the people out there looking for summer work, the
following might have some ideas to embellish your resume.  This
is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU.  The
author was accepted and is now attending NYU.


3A. In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to
know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the
following question:

Are there any significant experiences you have had, or
accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you
as a person?


I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.
I have been know to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks,
making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.  I
translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning
operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can
pilot bicycles us severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I
cook Thirty-minute Brownies in twenty minutes.  I am an expert in
stucco, a veteran in love, and and outlaw in Peru.

Using only a howl and a large glass of water, I once single-
handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a
horde of ferocious army ants.  I play bluegrass cello, I was
scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. 
When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard.  I
enjoy urban hang gliding.  On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.  I am an abstract artist, a
concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.  Critics worldwide swoon
over my original line of corduroy evening wear.  I don't
perspire.  I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.  I
have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. 
Last summer I toured New Jersey with a travelling centrifugal-
force demonstration.  I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles.  Children trust me.  I can hurl tennis rackets at
small moving objects with deadly accuracy.  I once read Paradise
Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had
time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.  I know the
exact location of every food item in the supermarket.  I have
performed several covert operations with the CIA.  I sleep once a
week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.  While on vacation in
Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who
had seized a small bakery.  The laws of physics do not apply to
me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.

On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full contact
origami.  Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot
to write it down.  I have made extraordinary four-course meals
using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams.  I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
Kremlin.  I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart
surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

==============================================================

From  Mon Jun  7 14:35:19 1999 -0700
Date:  Mon, 07 Jun 1999 15:58:55 -0400
Subject: Programming and Sex
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 109

From The Guardian of London, 1991 Mar 14:

Programming and Sex

Programming is like sex because....  Completing that phrase was
the basis of a competition held at a recent conference about
Forth, the computer language.  The March issue of Forth
Dimensions has published the results.

The women's entries included:  "You never know when to stop" and
"Many users are satisfied without documentation".  Anne
Edgecomb's winning line: "It's never finished".

The men's entries included: "I can never get enough of it"; "When
I can't sleep I have to do one or the other"; "My wife doesn't
want me to do either"; and "When you do it professionally, it's
not as much fun".  Nick Grossman won with: "You can hear about
it, you can talk about it, you can read about it, you can even
watch it done by experts, but even with all the fumbling and
mess, it's still more satisfying to get personally involved with
it".

I preferred another effort: "When you make a mistake you end up
supporting it for years".

==============================================================

From  Mon Mar 22 14:57:11 1999 -0800
Date: Mon, 22 Mar 1999 16:44:44 -0500
Subject: Farmer Joe and his favourite mule
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 110

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious
enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the
accident) to court.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine,'" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had
just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the
accident, you were fine?"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer
and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man
told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe
he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's
answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to
say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I
had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and
was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and
trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. 

However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she
was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the
accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand
and looked at me."

He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.
How are you feeling?"

=============================================================

From  Sun Jun 13 18:35:56 1999 -0700
Date: Mon, 07 Jun 1999 16:51:48
Subject: Bob Dylan/Paul Simon Tour
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 111


                  The Top 13 Surprises on the 
               Bob Dylan/Paul Simon Summer Tour


13 Brisk ticket sales as fans realize they no longer need
    baby-sitters for their 40 year old children.

12 Harmonica solo on "Bridge Over Troubled Water" seems to be
    in the wrong key.

11 Audience shouts for "Sounds of Silence" every time Dylan 
    sings.

10 Applause causes Clapper-controlled light show to freak out.

 9 "Hey!  Don't Bogart that Viagra, dude!!"

 8 Updated lyrics: "EVERYbody must get stoned... besides, it
    helps my glaucoma!"

 7 Microsoft provides cutting-edge software used to translate
    Dylan's  vocals in real-time.

 6 Paul's the neat freak prude, Bob's the beer-guzzling slob.

 5 "Hyears to yeeewwww, Meeeeesuuus Rhhhobinson. Jesus luvs
    yeeeewwww mooorrrrrre than yeeeeewwwwww will knooooooow.
    O...O...O."
 4 "Now raise your cell phones way up in the air, and press
    star 99 like you just don't care!"

 3 Art Garfunkel gets chief roadie job because he's the only
    one who can understand Dylan's Chinese take-out order.

 2 PA announcer introduces them as Mumbly Spice and 
    Shorty Spice.


         and Topfive.com's Number 1 Surprise on the 
             Bob Dylan/Paul Simon Summer Tour...

 1 Simon's emotional ballad for Bob: "Fifty Ways to Kill 
    Your Liver"

==============================================================

From  Mon Jun  7 14:35:19 1999 -0700
Date:  Mon, 07 Jun 1999 15:58:55 -0400
Subject: Entrepreneur's Bill of Rights
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 112

Courtesy of Federal Express:

The Entrepreneur's Bill of Rights

You have the right to:
- work 16 hours a day, 7 days a week
- not enough support staff
- try to find enough time for your family
- work in your pajamas
- more coffee than is good for you
- wonder if you should have left your last job
- remember important.... Hummmm.... Ahhhh.... What was it again?
- have meetings on time, without having to wait for anyone else
- answer "consulting" when your friends ask what you're doing
  these days
- have a great idea that nobody understands
- write off that vacation you won't be taking this year
- wonder when it's all going to pay off
- have your dreams come true.

==============================================================

From  Thu Mar 25 22:50:03 1999 -0800
Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 00:33:25 EST
Subject: Van Gogh
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 113

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the
artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.  Among them were:

his obnoxious brother..............................Please Gogh
his dizzy aunt......................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes..........................Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle................................Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia.........................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white............Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois............................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle.............................Wherediddy Gogh
His Italian uncle.....................................Day Gogh
His Mexican cousin...................................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother...........Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach...............Wellsfar Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt.............................Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco...............................Go Gogh
The bird lover uncle...............................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst................................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin...............................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking................Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew..............................Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels in a van.............Winnie Bay Gogh

==============================================================

From  Mon Apr 19 09:40:05 1999 -0700
Date: Mon, 19 Apr 1999 11:21:15 EDT
Subject: Slogan Blunders 
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 114

Slogan Blunders
 
The nominees for the Chevy Nova Award, named in Honor of the
GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South
America "no va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go"
 
1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got
Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon
brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you
lactating?"
 
2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it
was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea".
 
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the
following in an American campaign, "Nothing sucks like an
Electrolux".
 
4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into
Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure.
 
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used
the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the
label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put
pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't
read.
 
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the
name of a notorious porno magazine.
 
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the
Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit Instead of "I Saw
the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la
papa).
 
8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated
into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in
Chinese.
 
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela",
meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with
wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000
characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole",
translating into "happiness in the mouth".
 
10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to
make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes
an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate".
 
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads
were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and
embarrass you". The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to
impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in
your pocket and make you pregnant!"
 
12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather
first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly
In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en
cuero) in Spanish.

13.  A New York ad agency, some years ago, prepared a
multi-million dollar campaign for an airline client of theirs
that was instituting air service between New York and Rio de
Janiero.  The campaign was put together in flawless Spanish;
unfortunately for the agency, all the materials and orders had
gone out to the various media before someone discovered that
Brazilians speak Portugese.

==============================================================

From  Sat Mar 27 09:39:28 1999 -0800
Date: Sat, 27 Mar 1999 11:21:13 EST
Subject: Facts to feel old about
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 115

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will
certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in
Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense
of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen. Here is this
year's list:

1. The people who are starting college this fall across the
   nation were born in 1980.
2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and
   did not know he had ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great
   Depression.
5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember
   one US president.
6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not
   remember the Cold War.
7. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a
   pill to them, not a movie.
8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
9. Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
10. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
11. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic
12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
13. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing
    to them.
14. They have never owned a record player.
15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of
    Pong.
16. Star Wars look very fake to them, and the special effects
    are pathetic.
17. There have always been red M&M's and blue ones are not new.
    There used to be beige ones?
18. They may have heard of an 8 track, but probably never have
    actually seen or heard one.
19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
21. They have always had an answering machine.
22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have
    they seen a black-and-white TV.
23. They have always had cable.
24. There has always been VCR's, but they have no idea what BETA
    is.
25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
26. They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
30. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
    is a football player.
32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII or
    even the Civil War.
34. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in
    Iran.
35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
36. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
37. They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a
    Camel," or "de plane, de plane!"
38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.
40. Michael Jackson has always been white.
41. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not
    groups.
42. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
43. There has always been MTV.

Do you feel old yet?

==============================================================

From  Mon Jun 21 18:06:08 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1999 12:51:53
Subject: Father's Day Special
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 116

Subject: Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say

               (A Father's Day Classic)
 
 10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost!  Looks like we'll have
     to stop and ask for directions.
 
 9.  You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready
     for unchaperoned car dates.  Won't that be fun?
 
 8.  I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours"
     attitude ... I like that.
 
 7.  Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO
     CRAZY.
 
 6.  What do you mean you wanna play football?  Figure skating
     not good enough for you, son?

 5.  Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you
     might want to consider throwing a party.
 
 4.  Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car.  Probably
     one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes
     it run or something.  Just have it towed to a mechanic and
     pay whatever he asks.
 
 3.  No son of mine is going to live under this roof without
     an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go
     to the mall.
 
 2.  Whaddya wanna go and get a job for?  I make plenty of
     money for you to spend.
 
 1.  Father's Day?  aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no
     big deal.

==============================================================

From  Fri Apr 23 16:36:52 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 23 Apr 1999 18:17:18 EDT
Subject: Thoughts to ponder while working in Hyperville
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 117

Never raise your hands to your kids.  It leaves your groin
unprotected.
     
I'm not into working out.  My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
     
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.
     
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific.
     
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at
you?    But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the
window
     
Have you ever noticed?  Anybody going slower than you is an
idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
     
You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother, she started walking
five miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 today and we don't
know where she is.
     
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without
arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
     
I have six locks on my door all in a row.  When I go out, I lock
every  other one.  I figure no matter how long somebody stands
there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
     
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability
to use language that makes him the dominant species on the
planet.  That may be.  But I think there's one other thing that
separates us from animals.  We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
     
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
people is suffering from some form of mental illness.  Think of
your three best friends.  If they are okay, then it's you.
     
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls.  They
always say because it's such a beautiful animal.  There you go. 
I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of
her.
     
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede
jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket'?  She sneered.  I
replied  in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any 
witnesses.  Now I'll have to kill you too."
     
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?  I'm halfway
through my fishburger and I realize, 'I could be eating a slow
learner.'

==============================================================
     

From  Fri Feb 12 04:49:56 1999 -0800
Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 06:36:29 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Newsgroup posters....
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 118

Newsgroup Posters.....

I am the very model of a Newsgroup personality.
I intersperse obscenity with tedious banality.
Addresses I have plenty of, both genuine and ghosted too,
On all the countless newsgroups that my drivel is cross-posted
to.
Your bandwidth I will fritter with my whining and my snivelling,
And you're the one who pays the bill, downloading all my
drivelling.
My enemies are numerous, and no-one would be blaming you
For cracking my head open after I've been rudely flaming you.

I hate to lose an argument (by now I should be used to it).
I wouldn't know a valid point if I was introduced to it.
My learning is extensive but consists of mindless trivia,
Designed to fan my ego, which is larger than Bolivia.
The comments that I vomit forth, disguised as jest and drollery,
Are really just an exercise in unremitting trollery.
I say I'm frank and forthright, but that's merely lies and
vanity,
The gibberings of one who's at the limits of his sanity.

If only I could get a life, as many people tell me to;
If only Mom could find a circus freak-show she could sell me to;
If I go off to Zanzibar to paint the local scenery;
If I lose all my fingers in a mishap with machinery;
If I survive to twenty, which is somewhat problematical;
If what I post was more mature, or slightly more grammatical;
If I could learn to spell a bit, and maybe even punctuate;
Would I still be the loathsome and objectionable punk you hate?

But while I have this tiresome urge to prance around and show my
face,
It simply isn't safe for normal people here in cyberspace.
To stick me in Old Sparky and turn on the electricity
Would be a fitting punishment for my egocentricity.
I always have the last word; so, with uttermost finality,
That's all from me, the model of a Newsgroup personality.

{O,o}

=================================================================

From  Sun Jun 20 00:55:29 1999 -0700
Date: Sun, 20 Jun 1999 02:36:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Van Gogh
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 119

How about the Mexican trucker who always described what he
carried as, "Es car Gogh." He was always mixed up with the very
slow French epicurean "Escar Gogh."

{^_^}

==============================================================

From  Wed Jun 23 18:55:01 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1999 13:18:33
Subject: NATO Excuses
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 120

      The Top 13 NATO Excuses for Bombing the Wrong Place



13 Just tryin' to impress the chicks.

12 NATO strategists were loathe to open maps of the area
    because refolding them can be difficult and annoying.

11 "Kosovo?!  We though you said KOKOMO!"

10 Bombardier still pissed off about his Yugo.

 9 Chinese embassy "just too shiny to ignore."

 8 Pilot's ugly little secret: never COULD hit those womprats
    back home in Beggar's Canyon.

 7 Totally hammered after losing a game of "quarters" to 
    Boris Yeltsin.

 6 Canadian navigator busy extolling virtues of Celine Dion.

 5 Pilot playing Kosovo bingo needed B5, not G2.

 4 Forgot to adjust for weight of Slim Pickens.

 3 Male pilots refused to stop and ask for directions.

 2 General Magoo has no comment.


           and Topfive.com's Number 1 NATO Excuse 
               for Bombing the Wrong Place...


 1 NATO headquarters dinner order for "take out Chinese" was
    grossly misunderstood.

==============================================================

From  Sat Jan  9 13:30:51 1999 -0800
Date: Sat, 9 Jan 1999 14:35:38 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Techie Gospel
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 121

===================     THE TECHIE GOSPEL     ===================
     
We hold this truth to be self evident:  That all TECHIES are
created superior.
     
                             GENESIS
     
     In the beginning there was the Stage, and the Stage was
without lights or sets, and darkness was on the faces of the
actors.  And the Technical Director (hereinafter referred to as
the TD) said, "Let there be Lights!" and the TECHIES worked and
wired, and there were lights. 
Spotlights and specials, areas and backlighting - yea, lights of
all shapes, sizes and hues.  And the TD saw the lights, that they
were well aimed and focused, gelled according to the scene, and
no more was there darkness on the faces of the actors.  And it
was good.  And the evening and the morning were the First Day.
     
     And the TD looked upon the actors and saw that although they
walked in light, they did walk upon a bare stage, and had no
place to be, and the TD was moved to pity.  And the TD said, "Let
there be a Set!": and the TECHIES scrambled and worked, and there
was a set, with platforms, wagons, stairs, and furniture of
various types and sized, each according to the need.  And the
actors did walk within the set, and did have a place to be.  And
the TD saw the set, that it was good, and the evening and the
morning were the Second Day.
     
     And the TD saw the actors, that although they did have a
place to be, they did look like fools, for they waved their
hands, clutched at open air, and struck each other with nothing.
And in his heart, the TD was moved to pity.  And the TD said,
"Let there be Props!": and the TECHIES worked feverishly and did
buy and build, and there were props. 
And they were good, and the evening and the morning were the
Third Day.
     
     And the Costumer looked upon the actors, and saw that they
did go forth in blue jeans and the Costumer knew that this would
not do.  And the Costumer said, "Let there be Costumes!": and the
TECHIES did cut and sew and shape, and there were costumes, each
sized to the actor, according to the play, and keeping in with
the role.  And no more did the actors go forth in blue jeans, and
the Costumer saw the costumes, that they were good, and the
evening and the morning were the Fourth Day.
     
     And the TD watched the play, and saw that the actors did
wait in silence, and was moved to pity.  And the TD said, "Let
there be Sound!":  and the TECHIES worked and taped, and there
were sounds, each according to its place and cue, all at the
proper levels.  And the TD heard the sounds, that they were good,
and the evening and the morning were the Fifth Day.
     
     And lo, all these works were completed in five days, showing
that if God had used sufficient TECHIES in the first place, He
would have finished sooner.
     
                             PROVERB
     
     Behold, my son here is wisdom.  Pay heed to these words, and
in the days of thy play, in the hours of thy performing, thou
shalt not be caught short.  For truly, it is said, pay heed to
the errors of theirs and you shall not make them yourself, and
again, as we have been told from on old, to thine own self be
true.
     
     I.  Give not unto the actor his props before his time, for
as surely as the sun does rise in the East and set in the West,
he will lose or break them.  
     
    II.  When told the placement of props by the Director, write
not these things in ink upon thy script for as surely as the
winds blow, so shall he change his mind.
     
    III. Speak not in large words to actors, for they are slow of
thought and are easily confused.
     
     IV. Speak not in the language of the TECHIE to actors, for
they are uninitiated, and will not perceive thy meaning.
     
      V. Tap not the head of a nail to drive it, but strike it
firmly with thy strength.
     
     VI. Keep holy the first performance, for afterwards you
shall party.
     
    VII. Keep holy the last performance, for afterwards you shall
party.
     
   VIII. Remember always that the TD is never wrong.  If appears
that he is, then you obviously misunderstood him the first time.
     
     IX. Leave not the area of the stage during the play to go
and talk with the actors, for as surely as you do, you will be in
danger of missing your cue and being summarily executed or worse.
     
      X.  Beware of the actors during scene changes, for they are
not like unto you and are blind in the dark.
     
     XI.  Beware of actors when flying in walls, for they will
stand and watch and get crushed.
     
    XII. Take not thy cues before their time, but wait for the
proper moment to do so.
     
   XIII. Take pity on the actors, for in their roles they are as
children, and must be led with gentle kindness.  Thus, endeavor
to speak softly and not in anger.
     
    XIV. Listen carefully to the instructions of the Director as
to how he wants things done - then do it the right way.  In the
days of thy work, he will see thy wisdom, give himself the
credit, and rejoice.
     
    XV.  And above all, get carried away not with the glow-tape,
or thy stage will be like unto an airport.
     
                      WORDS TO THE TECHIES
     
     Remember always that thou art a TECHIE, born to walk the
dark places of the stage, and know the secret ways of thy
equipment. 
To your hands it is given to mold the dreams and thoughts of they
that watch, and to make the Stage a separate place and time. 
Seek not, as do the actors, to go forth in light upon the stage,
for though they strut and talk and put on airs, their craft does
truly depend on you, to shape the dreams that they would show.
     
     Remember also that although they depend on you, you exist
only to aid them.  Remember that thou art a team, for thou shalt
party together.
     
     My friends be not deceived by deluded actors masquerading as
TECHIES.  Remember always the signs by which thou shalt recognize
a true TECHIE: they move softly during scene changes, not
stumbling or falling; they are silent backstage and are aware of
what is happening; they can speak with knowledge of Tools; they
respect another's job and aid where they can; they do not just
stand and watch
     
Amen.

================================================================

From  Thu Jun 24 13:11:25 1999 -0700
Date:  Thu, 24 Jun 1999 14:01:04 -0400
Subject:  Alas poor Yorick
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 122

I saw this article in the NY Post today and since then discovered
it was in Newsweek magazine back in March...

--Paul Garrity, NYC

NEWSWEEK, TUESDAY, March 9, 1999
Dark Humor - Monica Drake

When Del Close, an actor and coach to generations of improv
comedians at Second City and elsewhere, died of emphysema last
Thursday, he left behind one final joke. In his will, he
bequeathed his skull to a Chicago theater company. Close, who had
worked with comedians like John Belushi and Gilda Radner, had
joked with friends that he would will his skull to the Goodman
Theater for use in a production of "Hamlet." 

But the theater's spokeswoman, Cindy Brandle, said that the gift
had come as a surprise. "It is rare to get a bequest," of any
kind, she said, let alone a skull. The ghoulish gag, Brandle
said, was "in keeping with his personality." Close was a
well-known comedian who started SCTV, but in Chicago was also
known as a dramatic actor, who received rave reviews for his
portrayal of Polonius in "Hamlet." 

The day before he died, at his request, a party in his hospital
was organized by his partner, Charna Halpern, and Bill Murray.
Halpern characterized him a "comedian to the end." And beyond.

[Mr. Close will get credit in the program whenever his skull is
used in a production. --pg]

==============================================================

From  Sat Mar  6 15:41:30 1999 -0800
Date: Sat, 6 Mar 1999 17:24:15 EST
Subject: Radio Navigation Transcript
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 123

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a
US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations
10-10-95.

Canadians:  Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a
collision.

Americans:  Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to
avoid a collision.

Canadians:  Negative.  You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:  This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians:  No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:  THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS.  I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS
SHIP.

Canadians:  This is a lighthouse.  Your call.

================================================================

From  Wed Feb 10 07:19:44 1999 -0800
Date: Wed, 10 Feb 1999 09:03:29 EST
Subject: Arnold strikes again
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 124

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action
docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. 
Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold
Schwarzenegger were all present.

Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these
superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever
composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart.  I would
love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve
if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said
Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."
Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to
be, Arnold?"

Arnold says "I'll be Bach!"

================================================================

From  Sun Feb 28 08:17:18 1999 -0800
Date: Sun, 28 Feb 1999 10:01:16 EST
Subject: Tips on Speeding
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 125

    A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for
    speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit,
    the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing
    on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which
    said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."

    A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's
    accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap
    with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full
    of change.

================================================================

From  Sun Feb 28 08:17:18 1999 -0800
Date: Sun, 28 Feb 1999 10:01:16 EST
Subject: Looking for the Bathroom
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 126

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited
in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he
realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be
excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to
be quick.

Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate
and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted.

The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to
where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find
it now.  Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on
his way.

Well, five minutes later he returned to the class room and
says to the teacher "I can't find it."

Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at
the school for a while, to help him find the bathroom.

So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they
both return and sit down at their seats.  The teacher asks
Tommy "Well, did you find it?"  Tommy is quick with his
reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards" 

=================================================================

From  Thu Jul  1 21:35:06 1999 -0700
Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1999 22:14:12 -0500 (CDT)
Subject: Phantom Menace Part 5.1
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 127

One of my students came up with this:

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 12:53:15 -0500 (CDT)
Subject: Star Wars... (fwd)
_______________________________________

	George Lucas discussed his plans for the next chapter of the
"Star Wars" saga during a recently published interview in a well
known audio magazine. He said that in light of the technical
advances he has made over the years, he intends to continue to
push the envelope with regards to changing audiences'
expectations.  

On the most recent film, he decided to collaborate with Dolby
Labs to come up with Dolby EX, wherein a rear center channel was
added to the existing 5.1 monitoring system.  On this next film,
however, he intends to go even further.  He will maintain the use
of the rear center channel, but will *remove* the front center
channel.  The film will be entitled: "Star Wars: The Phantom
Image."

**************************************************************

       SSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTA      RRRRRRR              
      SSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTAAA     RRRRRRRR             
     SS           TT      AA AA    RR   RRRR 
       SS         TT     AA   AA   RRRRRRRR  
        SSS       TT    AAAAAAAAA  RR  RRR     
 SSSSSSSSSSS      TT   AAAA   AAAA RR   RRR    
 SSSSSSSSSS       TT  AAAA     AAAARR    RRR    
 WWW        WWW    A      RRRRRRR        SSSSSSSSSS  
 WWW        WWW   AAA     RRRRRRRR      SSSSSSSSSS      
  WW        WW   AA AA    RR   RRRR    SS              
  WW   W    WW  AA   AA   RRRRRRRR      SS               
   WW WWW  WW  AAAAAAAAA  RR  RRR        SSS                    
    WW   WW   AAAA   AAAA RR   RRRSSSSSSSSSSS                    
     W    W  AAAA     AAAARR    RRRSSSSSSSSS
 

	EPISODE 5.1: The Phantom Image

	In this forthcoming installment of the "Star Wars" epic,
recently discovered youth Anakin Downmixer pursues his destiny as
the chosen one among the elite forces of the Jitter Masters.  His
instructor in the Jitter arts, Obi Wan KeDolby sends him to the
distant planet Quad to find the greatest of all Jitter Knights,
Yoda.  Only Yoda can teach Anakin to listen to the microscopic
MIDIchlorians within him, and to harness the power of the
"Metadata" which flows throughout the galaxy.

	Unfortunately many, many planets adopted the name and
likeness of Quad long ago and the galaxy's residents eventually
lost interest in it entirely.  Now its true location seems
forever banished from any of the Rebel Maps.  Young Downmixer
must rely on the assistance of his two droids, R2D2 and his
counterpart AC3PO, if he ever wishes to track down the real
planet Quad.  There the battle to prevent him from joining the
dark, lossy-coded side of the Metadata continues.

	Meanwhile, the Audio Empire Socialists (AES) and their
leader Darth DIVX attempt to use Anakin's absence as leverage
against the massing Rebel Contingency Army (RCA). The RCA Forces
are lead by three great soldiers: General MIDI, Major
Recalibration, and the half-witted Captain NanoWeber. Their
combined battle experience and wisdom lead them to the
realization that they can not win against the AES without help.

	This forthcoming episode sees the introduction of younger
versions of already established characters, Han Solo-Isolate and
his SubWookie friend (who speaks only in Subwoofs).  Navigating
his amazing battleship, the "Meridian Lossless," Han Solo-Isolate
leads a contingent of XLR-Wing Fighters against a horde of
Tie-Line Fighters deployed by the AES.  While engaged in Battle
the RCA stumbles across the hulking framework of a predecessor to
the later episodes' "Death Star."  In this episode, the AES's
macroscopically gigantic weapon is the "Bass Star," the largest
Life-Form-Eradicator (LFE) ever constructed.  Darth Divx's 
insidious plans to use this LFE include projecting waves upon
waves of low frequency information towards rebel bases, causing
planetwide destruction, rattling trunks, and mild nausea. Now
that's a Rebel Bass!

	Will Han Solo-Isolate be able to defeat the nefarious LFE
and its AES instigators?  Will Anakin Downmixer be able to revive
Quad without confusion?  Will Obi Wan KeDolby and Yoda be able to
prevent young Downmixer from turning to the lossy-coded Dark Side
and joining Darth Divx in his quest to rule the galaxy?  Find out
in the next exciting installment of the ever-popular and
monstrously expensive "Star Wars" series, "Episode 5.1: The
Phantom Image."

And may the Metadata be with you.

**************************************************************

Oh, and Lucas also released information regarding the third of
the prequels.  This episode will explore the Empire for once,
rather than the Rebel forces.  It will detail the folly of a
brief period when the Empire attempts to run entire droid squads
off of miniscule amounts of DC current.  The power runs along
cables which never seem long enough, and inevitably tether the
low-powered troops to their sources.  The technology produces
much more detailed tactical fighting abilities but a severe
reduction in the droids' durability.   This chapter in the Star
Wars saga is tenatively entitled "Episode 48: The Phantom Power"
______________
by Sara Hughes


Best Regards,

Doug
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
Doug Mitchell                                                  
Associate Professor                                           
Department of Recording Industry              .               /
Middle Tennessee State University       .          .        //
http://www.mtsu.edu/~dsmitche        .                .   //
Office: (615) 898-2553                                /   .    
FAX:    (615) 898-5682                              /          
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

From  Sun Feb 28 21:26:58 1999 -0800
Date: Sun, 28 Feb 1999 22:59:27 EST
Subject: Male Quirks
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 128

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past 
an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you 
want that cart?" 

"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing." 

As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur under her
breath, "Typical male."

----------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

==============================================================

From  Sun Feb 28 21:26:58 1999 -0800
Date: Sun, 28 Feb 1999 22:59:27 EST
Subject: Looking after Mother
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 129

Three brothers left their homeland, went abroad and prospered.
They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.

The first said:  "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said:  "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The youngest said:  "You remember how our mother enjoys reading
the scriptures?  Now she can't see very well. I sent her a
remarkable parrot that recites the entire old testament...
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse."

Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother. She
wrote to the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live
only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

She wrote to the second, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of
the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes."

But to the youngest, she wrote, "THE CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS"

----------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do you think of Flushing, NY?  
A. I think it's a great idea.

================================================================

From  Sat Jul  3 23:59:40 1999 -0700
Subject: Fantastic New Technology
Date: Sat, 3 Jul 1999 22:36:22 -0000
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 130

NEW DEVICE:
Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge (BOOK)

The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires,
no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or
switched on.

It's so easy to use even a child can operate it.  Just lift the
cover!

Compact and portable, it can be used everywhere - even sitting in
an armchair by the fire - yet it is powerful enough to hold as
much information as a CD-ROM.

Here's how it works.

Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of
information.

These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a
binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.  Opaque
Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of
the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in
half.

Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in
information density; for now BOOKs with more information simply
use more pages.  This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and
has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly
into your brain.  A flick of the finger takes you to the next
sheet.  The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely
opening it.  The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting,
though, like other displays, it can become unusable if immersed
in water.

The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet,
and move forward or backward as you wish.

Many BOOKs come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the
exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.


An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to
the exact place you left it in a previous session - even if the
BOOK has been closed.  BOOKmarks fit universal design standards;
thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various
manufacturers.  Conversely, numerous BOOKmarks can be used in
a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. 
The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with
an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic
Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the
entertainment wave of the future.  The BOOK's appeal seems so
certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the
platform.  Look for a flood of new titles soon.

==============================================================

From  Mon Jul  5 01:18:01 1999 -0700
Subject: Chick Singer Infractions
Date: Sun, 4 Jul 1999 23:55:18 -0000
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 131

    CHICK SINGER INFRACTIONS SCHEDULE

Doesn't know keys to songs, $10
   
Doesn't know when to come in, $15
   
Leaves stage when not singing lead vocal, $20
   
Late for gig, $30
   
Walks off stage to use cell phone on gig, $15
   
Uses cell phone on stage during gig, $30
   
Modulates without informing band, $20
   
Lays mic down on stage and walks off stage, $15
   
Lays mic down facing kick drum, $20
   
Lays mic down facing guitar amp, $25
   
Lays mic down facing monitor, $50
   
Points mic towards monitor causing feedback during song, $75
   
Takes up over one hour getting EQ setting on monitors, still
gripes about them, $75
   
Wants to sing Crazy by Patsy Cline more than once a night, $100
   
Gets off key singing a capella, $25
   
Leaves stage to argue with boyfriend, $35
   
Dates a musician in band, $50
   
Dates the drummer, $150
   
Argues with band members onstage, $150
   
Argues offstage with boyfriend musician, $175
   
Argues onstage with boyfriend musician, $200
   
Drops mic, $10
   
Can't figure out how to connect cable to mic, $15
   
Holds guitar but doesn't play, $15
   
Plays guitar but plays wrong chords, not plugged in, $25
   
Plays guitar, wrong chords, plugged in, $250
   
Stands onstage but doesn't sing harmonies, $30
   
Sings bad harmonies, $35
   
Sings harmonies already contributed by band member in song, $40
   
Plays tambourine out of time, $50
   
Straight-arms mic when singing, $15
   
Sings too softly, $5
   
Leaves tambourine, drink, charts, entertainer's secret laying all
over stage, $25
   
Forgets original singer of song, $10
   
Makes up 4th verse to 3 verse song, $100
   
Gripes at band onstage, $20
   
Gripes at band onstage over mic, $75
   
Uses fictitious last name, $50
   
Powders nose, sprays perfume, sprays hairspray, brushes hair,
freshens up lipstick onstage, $15
   
Stops song halfway through and starts over, $25
   
Continues singing in old key after song modulates, $30
   
Forgets words, $20
   
Sings verses out of order in song, $15
   
Forgets to sing bridge, $25
   
Holds words to song while singing onstage, $20
   
Doesn't know how to adjust mic stand, $15
   
Looks at pager while singing song, $15
   
Sings consistently flat, $25
   
Sings consistently sharp, $25
   
Just plain ol' can NOT sing, buys band a round of drinks
   
Leaves lipstick all over mic, $100
   
Telling jokes over mic, $5
   
Telling BAD jokes over mic, $50
   
Telling bad joke and then laughing hysterically about it over
mic, $500
   
Singing "Stand By Your Man" in the key of A, $30
   
Thinking that "Poor Pitiful Me" is a new Terri Clark song, rather
than an old Warren Zevon song, $50
   
Thinking that "I Will Always Love You" is a new Whitney Houston
song, rather than an old Dolly Parton song, $100
   
Dolly who? $50
   
Patsy who? $100
   
Dumps management, band etc. after making the big time, $10,000
   
Hates the phrase "chick singer", $500

==============================================================

From  Tue Mar  2 00:29:39 1999 -0800
Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 02:14:16 EST
Subject: Mental Health Hotline
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 132

A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at
the Mental Health institute:
 
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
 
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
 
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
 
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
 
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay
on the line so we can trace your call.
 
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred
to the mother ship.
 
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice
will tell you which number to press.
 
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number
you press: no-one will answer.
 
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
 
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key
until a representative comes on the line.
 
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone
number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's
maiden name.
 
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully
press 000.
 
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the
beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the
beep.
 
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
 
If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators
are too busy to talk to you." 

=================================================================

From  Wed Jul  7 08:35:22 1999 -0700
Date:         Wed, 7 Jul 1999 15:14:45 +0100
Subject:  Re: Phantom Menace Part 5.1
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 133

Hi,

There's another Phantom Menace story (true) that might amuse:

All the ADR (Automated Dialogue Replacement) work for Phantom
Menace was carried out using Macintosh PowerBook G3s with
ProTools, the Magma interface and a special ADR program written
by Gallery Software in London. During post-production, some
last-minute alterations needed to be made and because no studio
could be found at a time and a place suitable for those involved,
one of the guys from the London facilities house offered
his apartment in North London.

They prepared a makeshift vocal booth and the actors duly arrived
to record the necessary dialogue, which was accomplished
successfully. This story, with a large degree of
self-congratulation thrown in, quite rightly, found its way onto
the daw-mac-users list on the web, and I asked one of the actors
involved, Ian McDiarmid, about it when I saw him a few weeks ago
(at Cate Blanchett's birthday party, if you must know).

"Ah yes" said Ian, "It went very well, except that some way
through the session we all became aware of a low vibration, a
sort of humming noise that nobody could identify. This went on
for a while, until the apartment owner suddenly disappeared and
shortly after, the noise stopped. When he came back, he explained
that he'd had to go upstairs to the apartment above to ask his
neighbour if she'd mind turning off her washing machine as half
the cast of Star Wars was downstairs trying to lay down dialogue
tracks for the new movie."

Now why do I never have an excuse like that?

John A Leonard
Aura Sound Design Ltd
23 Charlotte Road
London EC2A 3PB
Tel: (44) 171 739 6057  Fax: (+44) 171 729 1820
http://www.auracle.com

==============================================================

From  Fri Mar  5 10:36:28 1999 -0800
Date: Fri, 05 Mar 1999 09:32:51 -0800
Subject: Professions
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 134

Professions

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a
beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she
liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and
tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such
a way that you will look forward to the trip.

=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--

From  Sun Feb 28 21:26:58 1999 -0800
Date: Sun, 28 Feb 1999 22:59:27 EST
Subject: Formula 1
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 135

An avid church goer and an F1 fan died and went to heaven.  Upon
entering,  this person noticed driver Juan-Manuel Fangio's race
car, and asked St. Peter about it.  St. Peter said Fangio was in
heaven and his car was on display.  Walking a little further, the
man sees Ronnie Petersen's car. Once again he inquired to St.
Peter about it.  "Ronnie is also in heaven. In fact, God's a
BIG F1 fan, so when drivers die, their race cars get put on
display."

Walking further, the individual came upon Michael Schumacher's
Ferrari - the phenomenon who always seems to get ahead of
everyone else.  At this sight, the new heaven dweller panicked! 
"Oh, No!  St. Peter - Schumacher is about to win the championship
this year, and you mean to tell me he has just died?!?

"No, no," St. Peter chuckled, "that's God's car.  He lets Schumi
use it on weekends."

=================================================================

From  Thu Jul  8 23:14:52 1999 -0700
Date: Thu, 08 Jul 1999 21:40:57
Subject: Girlfriend/Boyfriend
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 136

                    The 9 Types of Boyfriends
 
Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling,
Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
 
Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell.
Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey,
Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
 
Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
 
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,
Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
 
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket,
Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
 
The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
 
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like
crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova,
Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
 
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't
know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of
Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
 
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love
like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
 
 
                     The 9 Types of Girlfriends
 
Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you
shouldn't have!"
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main
Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
 
Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass
no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me
miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog
from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
 
Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My
cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
 
The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a
haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that
look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and
Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
 
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch
my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
 
Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an'
make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charlene, Passed
Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
 
Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
snickering at."
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly
Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
 
Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain
how I feel about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad
News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
 
Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you
are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love
like crazed weasels now!"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

==============================================================

From  Sat Mar 13 22:01:14 1999 -0800
Date: Sat, 13 Mar 1999 23:44:31 EST
Subject: Boat Race
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 137

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive
boat race.  Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their
peak performance.

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.
Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale
sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the
crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired
to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people
rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person
rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem,
the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering
and not enough were rowing on the American team.

So as race day neared again the following year, the American
team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new
structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers
and a new performance review system for the person rowing the
boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the
American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and
gave the managers a bonus  for discovering the problem....

================================================================

From  Wed Mar 17 13:00:07 1999 -0800
Date: Wed, 17 Mar 1999 14:14:41 EST
Subject: A Tired Soldier
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 138

An American soldier, serving in WWar II, had just returned
from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R for a few days and had made it to
Southampton, England, to board a train bound for London.
  
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length
of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only seat
unoccupied was directly across from a well-dressed, middle aged
lady and was being used by her little dog.
  
The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in
that seat?"
  
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier,
sniffed and said, "You Americans.  You are such a rude class of
people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
  
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest,
but after another trip down to the end of the train, found
himself again facing the woman with the dog in the opposite
seat.  Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?  I'm very
tired."
  
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! 
Not only are you rude, you are also quite arrogant.  Imagine!"
  
The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and
again asked if he might please sit down.  The lady said, "Not
only are you Americans rude and arrogant, you're also very
inconsiderate."
  
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked
up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and
sat down in the empty seat.
  
The woman shrieked and railed, demanding that someone defend
her and chastise the soldier.
  
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You
know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing
the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You
drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir,
you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
  
=============================================================  

From  Mon Mar 22 14:11:19 1999 -0800
Date: Mon, 22 Mar 1999 15:54:00 EST
Subject: Snail
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 139

A guy hears a knocking on his door.  He opens it up, and no one
is there.  He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail
sitting on the doormat.  He picks it up and throws it across the
street into a field.

Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He
opens it up and no one is there.  He looks all around, and he
finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.

The snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"

=============================================================

From  Wed Mar 31 10:22:41 1999 -0800
Subject: Work
Date: Wed, 31 Mar 1999 08:55:36 -0000
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 140

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too
much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of the US is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do
the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 Million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million
to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and
City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And
you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

==============================================================

From  Mon Apr  5 10:46:29 1999 -0700
Date: Mon, 5 Apr 1999 02:29:15 -0700
Subject: bad news joke
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 141

Our favorite joke on the East Bay Skeptics Easter Sunday hike:

A man was examined by his doctor, and after the tests came back
the doctor asked him to come into the office. 

The doctor told the man "I have two pieces of bad news for you." 

"Tell me," said the man.

"You have cancer."

"What's the other bad news?"

"You have Alzheimer's disease."

"Well," said the man, "at least I don't have cancer."

==============================================================

From  Thu Mar 11 16:02:43 1999 -0700
Date: Thu, 11 Mar 1999 14:46:37 -0800
Subject: Web Dialects
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 142

1. Go to this website - http://www.rinkworks.com/dialect/
2. Select a dialect
3. Enter any other website 
(such as http://www.cnn.com or www.latimes.com)
4. See what you get..

==============================================================

From  Mon Mar  1 12:04:39 1999 -0800
Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 12:14:59 EST
Subject: Senility Prayer
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 143

The Senility Prayer

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked
anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to know the difference.

==============================================================

From  Fri Apr  9 11:47:42 1999 -0700
Subject: How to impress the opposite sex
Date: Fri, 9 Apr 1999 09:09:50 -0000
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 144

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

    Compliment her,
    cuddle her,
    kiss her,
    caress her,
    love her,
    stroke her,
    tease her,
    comfort her,
    protect her,
    hug her,
    hold her,
    spend money on her,
    wine and dine her,
    buy things for her,
    listen to her,
    care for her,
    stand by her,
    support her,
    go to the ends of the earth for her.
 
    HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
 
    Show up naked.
    Bring food.

==============================================================

From  Mon Jan 25 21:28:41 1999 -0800
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1999 23:13:12 EST
Subject: Chinese Humour
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 145

Man who run in front of car, get tired.
Man who run behind car, get exhausted.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who sit on tack, get point.
Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.

==============================================================

From  Fri Jun 18 21:28:28 1999 -0700
Date: Thu, 17 Jun 1999 17:11:57
Subject: pick-up
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 146

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a
fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in
this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the
man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband
really upset."

==============================================================

From  Thu Feb 18 11:28:27 1999 -0800
Date: Thu, 18 Feb 1999 10:15:59 -0800 (PST)
Subject: An atheist 
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 147

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his
boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the
beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened
its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God!
Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the
atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the
clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "two minutes
ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

================================================================

From  Thu Mar 11 10:59:23 1999 -0800
Date: Thu, 11 Mar 1999 10:59:22 -0800 (PST)
Subject: SUV's
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 148

So you think SUV's are a blight?  check out:

http://poseur.4x4.org/futuresuv.html

==============================================================

From  Sat Apr 17 13:39:22 1999 -0700
Date: Sat, 17 Apr 1999 15:21:05 EDT
Subject: Sisters of Mercy
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 149

Sisters of Mercy

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign
that reads.. SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination - and drives on.
Soon, he sees another sign which says..
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure
enough, there is a third..
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the
driveway.

On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building
with a sign on the door that reads.. SISTERS OF MERCY

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by
a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you my
son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
possibly doing some business," he answers.
"Very well, my son.  Please follow me," says the nun.

He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very
disoriented.  The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
"Please, knock on this door" and leaves.

The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another
nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs:  "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go
through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down
the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the
parking lot, facing another small sign:


"Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of
Mercy."

==============================================================

From  Sun May  2 14:42:45 1999 -0700
Date: Sun, 02 May 1999 16:26:09 -0400
Subject: Huhh?
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 150

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven.  He's met by the
reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he
can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.  He decides
that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the
Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the
languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library
and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back
from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.  All
of a sudden there is a scream in the library.  The angels come
running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying
to himself, and muttering, "An  'R'!  They left out the 'R'."

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the
problem is.  After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again,
"It's the letter 'R'.  The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

==============================================================

From  Sat Apr 17 13:42:23 1999 -0700
Date: Sat, 17 Apr 1999 15:25:02 EDT
Subject: Patterns of daffodils
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 151

ROTHERHAM, England, April 7 (Agence France Presse)

A gang of thieves who were ordered to plant daffodil bulbs as
part of their community service have seen their revenge flourish
this spring.

The group were told to plant hundreds of bulbs along one of the
main roads in Rotherham, in  northern England, last autumn but,
when the bulbs sprouted this week, the blooms spelled out the
words "Bollocks" and "Shag" in letters four feet (1.3 metres)
wide.

Residents living on East Bawtry Road, which carries thousands of
visitors a day, said people were coming from miles around to take
a look at the flowers. One, Alan McCue, 48, said: "I can see the
funny side but it doesn't really create a good impression of the
town. They planted hundreds of bulbs so we're all a bit worried
about what might come up next."

==============================================================

From  Thu May  6 06:42:00 1999 -0700
Subject: More Amazing Anagrams 
Date: Thu, 6 May 1999 07:21:57 -0500
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 152

You could always visit Main Sanitary Nag (Anagram Insanity) at:

http://www.infobahn.com/pages/anagram.html

==============================================================

From  Tue Apr 27 12:22:50 1999 -0700
Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 14:02:36 EDT
Subject: Growing Older
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 153

Top 16 Signs You are Growing Older

16. You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there.

15. You turn off the lights for economical reasons, not romantic
ones.

14. You read the obituaries to find eligible women.

13. Old ladies offer to help you cross the street.

12. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work

11. College kids call you mister.

10. The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

9. A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens.

8. After painting the town red, you need to take a long rest
before applying a second coat.

7. It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night
long.

6. You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the
questions.

5. After climbing the ladder of success and reaching the top,
you realize that it was leaning on the wrong wall.

4. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

3. The best part of the day is over when the alarm clock rings.

2. All the names in your little black book end with MD.

1. You get all your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your
friends who exercised.

==============================================================

From  Tue May 11 14:28:40 1999 -0700
Date: Tue, 11 May 1999 06:09:21 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: River rafting
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 154

Father Jackson was completing a temperance sermon: with great
expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take
it and throw it into the river."
 
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine
in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
 
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the
world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
 
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a
smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365:  "Shall
We Gather at the River?"
 
==============================================================

From  Tue May 18 19:57:22 1999 -0700
Subject: MIDIS?
Date: Tue, 18 May 1999 14:48:19 -0700
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 155

I just had to share this ...

> Sent: Monday, May 17, 1999 2:31 AM
> Subject: MIDIS?
> 
>
> Do you actually have any downloadable MIDI's at MIDI.org? 
> If not then how can you call it A MIDI Site?
> -- 

<sigh>

- TW

==============================================================

From  Mon May  3 02:35:17 1999 -0700
Date:  Mon, 3 May 1999 03:02:32 -0500
Subject: What To Do To Spice Up Your Night At The Theatre
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 156

101 WAYS (AND THEN SOME!) TO SPICE UP YOUR NIGHT AT THE THEATRE

Cover youself in blood and go up and down the TKTS line and tell
people to see you in your one woman revial of Carrie.

Hand out lyrics to the Forbidden Broadway versions of shows and
have a sing along before the show.

Switch the names on the understudy boards and see if anyone
notices.

Keep circling the theatre's lobby.  Every time people look at
you, say 'third time around' each time you go around.

At 9 AM on a cold day, walk around the theatre district and go to
all the rush lines and offer them some hot coffee- then when they
want it, say "Suckers!" and run away.

Every 30 minutes, ask the box office what the best seat they have
for that night is; 30 minutes before the show get angry that
(whatever the best one was earlier) is no longer available.

Yell out 'YOU ARE NOT!" every time Arnaud says "I'm Martin
Guerre."

See if you can make the Les Mis kids cry.

Convince people they are seeing the PBS Concert cast of Les Mis.

Scream 'WHERE'S LINDA EDER??????????????? WHY ISN'T SHE
PERFORMING??????' at any Wildhorn show you may be seeing.

If a boy goes on as young Cosette, call him a sissy; if a girl
goes on as Gavroche, say she is butch.

Blow out Lumiere. (Beauty and the Beast)

Give Eponine a vibrator during "On My Own."

Tell audience members at Les Mis that Valjean is having an affair
with Cosette.

Boo the good characters.

Tell everyone at the stage door that you loved them in some show
they never did.

When your fave actor has a curtain call, jump onstage and say
"Take me, I'm yours!"

Offer Javert a Lovely Lady.

Clap wildly if Gavroche actually throws the bullet bag over the
barricade; yell "You suck!" if he doesn't.

Convince people that the lead male character of Les Mis is Gene
Valgene.

Sing along in other languages.

Sit in the front row at Les Mis and bring a water gun. Use it
during "A Little Fall of Rain" to add some effects to the show.

Go up and down the TKTS line and tell people they have Lion King
tix, but you have to ask at the window for them.

Leap on stage and try to stop wounds from bleeding or revive
dying characters in Les Mis shouting that you're a doctor.

Bring a bottle of Jack Daniels to Les Mis and offer it to
Grantaire.

Throw some loaves of bread onstage during Valjean's soliloquy in
the Prologue.

Make up actor's names and tell people how great they were during
intermission.

Hop onstage and have a little fun at Les Mis: try lifting the
runaway cart, opening the sewer grates, or just turn a few
cartwheels on the revolving stage.

Yell "It's better than Burger King!" during "Master of the
House." (THINK: this verse- "Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat,
filling up the sausages with this and that...")

Complain loudly that this Les Mis is not like the book you read.

Scream "That's your sister!!! when Gavroche introduces Eponine.

Sell bits of Fantine's hair as a souvenir in the lobby during
intermission at Les Mis.

Convince people that the playbill is wrong and ALW wrote Les Mis.

After Les Mis, tell the audience you are the pimp for the whores
in the show and ask if they would like one for an hour or two.
When they say yes, accept their money and tell them to go over to
the Hotel Edison.  Then, go faaaar faaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away.

When Javert is about to jump, scream "Your fly is down!" and see
if he looks.

Sell Bibles as souvenirs at the intermission of Joseph and the
Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and Jesus Christ Superstar.

Leer at every actress who played a whore in Les Mis.

Toss condoms onstage during Lovely Ladies.

See Les Mis and sing all the songs from the Animaniacs version.

Cry hysterically when they say Lamarque is dead, then stop crying
and ask "Who the hell is Lamarque?"

When little Eponine appears, yell "Hey, weren't you Cosette last
night??"

Tell people that Marius only got his part because he slept with
the director.

Yell out to Enjolras that red really isn't his color.

Sing 'My Heart Will Go On' during Titanic.

Go to Titanic wearing La Coeur de la Mer.

Hand out literature about argentinian government at Evita.

Toss marbles on the stage at Starlight Express.

Toss life preservers on stage in Titanic.

Play the Grantaire Drinking Game- drink whenever he does.

Ask everyone after the show what they thought of Grantaire,
Feuilly, Combeferre, etc and berate them if they do not remember
who they were.

Ask the cast of Les Mis what is like being in an Andrew Lloyd
Webber show.

As Phantom ends, yell out the explanation of the chair trick.

Tell people after Titanic that you were SO shocked the ship sank!

When Frank Wildhorn autographs your playbill, mention how much
money this will go for when you put it up on eBay.

Tell Bob Cuccioli he was your favorite thing on the Jekyll & Hyde
Complete Concept Recording.

Give away the ending of Civil War.

Announce whenever a click track plays during Phantom.

Go to the box office of your least favorite show and try to
convince the people in line not to buy tix to it.

When Christine gives the Phantom back his ring, scream "You could
have hocked that, you dumb slut!"

Tell the audience at Les Mis they can't leave until you give them
their yellow tickets of leave.

Tell everyone you sit near at Les Misérables that Gavroche is
your significant other.

Speculate as to whether or not Cosette's wedding dress should
really be white.

Scream "Watch out for the chandelier!!!!!!!" at the end of Act I
of Phantom.
Alternately, scream "Geronimooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!" as the
chandelier falls.

Every time a French word is used in Les Mis or Phantom (i.e.,
monsieur, rue, etc) ask "What does that mean??? loudly.

When the Phantom sings 'Our Don Juan must lose some weight', toss
some Dexatrim, SlimFast, or other similar dietary supplement
onstage.

In the prologue of Phantom, bid on stuff in the auction.

Shriek 'MACAVITY' whenever lights blink at Cats.

Take off your glasses, wave them around, and yell, "You BROKE
them, you fool!" after Christine hits her high notes.

Yell out "You wuss!!" whenever Raoul comes on stage.

At Ragtime, gasp loudly, 'So THAT is why it is the FORD CENTER!'
when the Model-T rolls out.

Translate the prop names (on the dustcovers) onstage for everyone
in the audience before Phantom starts.

Camp out in front of the Winter Garden, shouting, "CATS rocks!"
to passersby.

Throw some catnip toys onstage at Cats.

Bring extra watches and hand them to any latecomers.

Tell people a messed up synopsis before the show.

Jump onstage and pull Cat tails.

Make barking noises during Cats.

Suggest that the cast of the Nutcracker (specifically the mice)
do a joint production with Cats.

Ask Linda Eder if she'll ever do a non-Wildhorn show.

INTERACTIVE THEATRE: Bring your own sword and join in the fun if
the 2nd to last scene of Scarlet Pimpernel.

If you see Frank Wildhorn at a theatre, bow down to him and tell
him he is God. Conversely, if you see Frank Wildhorn at the
theatre, pretend you don't know it's him, and insult the show.

Get up onstage before the show and ask everyone to stand for the
national anthem.

Shriek 'Quit playing with your hair!!!!!!' during "Confrontation"
at Jekyll & Hyde.

Sing "Bring on the Men" at the top of your lungs during "Good and
Evil" in the Broadway Jekyll & Hyde and vice versa on the tour.

Scream in indignation at every historical inaccuracy in Civil
War. (NOTE: bring throat drops)

Quote lines from 'Gone With the Wind' during Civil War.

At intermission during Civil War, talk to your fellow audience
members and tell them you are puzzled because you think slavery
was a good thing.

Yell to Chauvelin that Grappin is Percy.

Sing along to your own lyrics at Jekyll & Hyde; if anyone tries
to shut you up, tell them that your lyrics are better anyway.

Exclaim "Is she a hooker?? I thought she was a singer!!"
(regarding Lucy) at Jekyll & Hyde.

Whenever you catch an audience member explaining the plot
incorrectly or pronouncing a name incorrectly, call them an
idiot.

Bring a number of candy wrappers to crinkle during the show;
every time you do, scowl at everyone around you as if it were
them.

See how many people you can get to believe that you are a former
cast member in a show. (NOTE: having a cast jacket helps :))

Open your playbill and make a big stink about every understudy
slip and demand your money back.

Scream out that you're afraid of the dark when the house lights
go down.

Declare loudly that you are a thespian. (NOTE: especially
effective if you're female)

Offer to take the Cats to an animal shelter and have them spayed
or neutered.

Tell orchestra members that you loved them in the show when they
leave the stage door.

Bring your cat to Cats and let them roam around the theatre
during the show to give it that authentic feel.

Get the audience to join you in doing the wave during Death of a
Salesman.

Tell tourists in the audience that you are the
playwright/composer of the play/musical you're at.

Pull out a large cheesegrater and a hunk of cheese and start
grating during the show.  When someone asks what you're doing,
give them a strange look and say "Um, I'm grating cheese, what
does it look like?"

During Ragtime, comment loudly about the pros and cons of the
Model T as a Ford vehicle choice. Alternately compare to Saturn
and any other modern car of choice. Suggest a minivan to
Coalhouse, for his growing family needs.

See if you can make Tam (Miss Saigon) pee.

Exclaim, 'They're PROSTITUTES???? I thought it was just a beauty
pageant!!!!' during Miss Saigon.

Tell an actor you LOVED their underwater tap dance solo.

When Chris screams "Christ! I'm an American!!" yell out "You are
NOT."

Throw ping pong balls at the dancing girls during the Bangkok
scene of Saigon. (think: Priscilla, Queen of the Desert-
if you don't get this joke, WATCH THAT MOVIE)

Pretend to be offended during Miss Saigon and try to get audience
members to join your cult at intermission.

After every song, comment 'I could do this better.'

Wear a binkini and stand up in your seat and dance during "The
Heat is On in Saigon."

Dress up as your favorite characters from other shows when going
to see a show (ie, dress up as Christine from Phantom of the
Opera when going to see Chicago).

Stand up and scream "I'M HIT!!!" whenever a gunshot occurs
onstage (Les Mis, Sunset Blvd, POTO, Ragtime, etc).

Sneak inside the stage door after the show and then come out the
door again like a cast member and sign any programs offered to
you.

Bring roses and act all sweet when meeting a cast member of the
same sex.
(NOTE: Does not really produce desired effect if said cast member
is gay)

Hold up lighters during any solo ballad in any show.

At any show with a male nude scene, laugh hysterically when
someone walks onstage and sing "There's not much there!"

Sit in the front row. Every time an actor sings a big note, take
out a napkin and wipe your face.

At the stage door, when some lead assumes you want their
autograph, tell them you don't want it.

When actors come out of the stage door, ask who they were; when
they say their name, leave.

At the stage door, ask for the autographs of the orchestra
instead of the cast.

Steal props before the show; jump up to hand them to the actors
at the right times during the performance.

Instead of throwing flowers onstage, throw slips of paper that
say "Take an acting class, will ya?"

Ask various actors for a lock of hair while holding scissors.

Offer to start a fan club for some random swing.

Dress up as any child characters in a show, *especially* if
you're 25 or over.

Whenever a gay actor comes onstage, toss a tinky winky doll
onstage.

Ask an actor for their password to their internet connection.

If you are pregnant, tell people that one of the actors in the
show is the father.

Ask an actor if they can autograph something. Take the signature
and forge it on a check right in front of them.

Shriek "ICEBERG!!!!" during Titanic.

Keep saying 'I love a Parade!!'" during Parade at silent moments.

In the dream sequence of Side Show, ask loudly where Violet is.

Convince people that The Life was really about what it's like to
be a nun.

Give away the ending of Jesus Christ Superstar.

Take a friend.  Stand side to side with your hips touching and
tell people you're looking for that wonderful show called Side
Show.

Say "Hey, there aren't any cats in this show." when going to see
High Society. (THINK: the logo)

Ask if anybody knows just WHAT Norma is doing with that monkey.

Say you sense some sexual tension between Kim and Ellen in Miss
Saigon.

Dress in a Toga to see Grease.

Hand out cruise ship ads outside of Titanic.

Bring your high school marching band and have them march onstage
in Parade.

Ask those sitting near you at 'Showboat' if this is the one with
the iceberg.

Make Xena's warrior sounds whenever she comes onstage in Grease.

Tell people that Cabaret is a nice lounge act. And send families
to it.

Give away bootlegs of the show outside the theatre.

Give cast members audios of their performances.

Sit in the front row at Les Mis, J&H, Saigon, and Pimpernel and
wave dollar bills at the whores.

Loudly ask the person you are with "What is going on?" every few
songs.

Yell 'Stunt Double!" during the fight scene near the end of
Beauty and the Beast.

Dress as a utensil and tell everyone in the city who asks that
you are in the cast of Beauty and the Beast.

During Chicago, ask really loudly why all the costumes are black.

Picket Chicago because it glorifies breaking the law.

Ask where Kevin Bacon is during Footloose, Leo DiCaprio or Kate
Winslet are in Titanic, John Travolta and Olivia Newton John in
Grease, etc...

Ask why Chicago is playing in New York City.

Get mad when there are no songs by the band Chicago in the
musical Chicago.

Toss confetti, blow paper horns, and rattle noisemakers during
This Time Next Year in Sunset, Happy New Year in Rent, Masquerade
in Phantom of the Opera, or any other New Year's scene in any
show.

Sing "Moo with Me" during Lion King.

Moo at the wrong moments at Rent.

Say "I'm confused... is that a guy????" whenever Angel comes
onstage at Rent.

Tell people you're sexually attracted to Snoopy at You're a Good
Man, Charlie Brown.

Wait at the stage door and tell a performer "Man, I wish I had
seen your understudy.'

Bring a camera flash and set it off at various intervals during
the show.

Any time anyone says they are seeing Les Mis or Cats for the
first time, ask them "What the hell took you so long?"

When you see 'Grand Hotel,' mention that you need a chair during
the show.

Tell everyone sitting near you that one of the same sex
characters in the show is your ex.

Bring half of a locket to Annie, jump onstage, and claim to be
Annie's mother/father.

Ask everyone at the stage door to please consider doing Rocky
Horror.

Tell an understudy who's never gone on that they did a great job
when you saw them.

Come up with fanfic plot lines during intermission.

Go up to an actor at the stage door and call them by the wrong
name.

Go to Cabaret dressed as a nun and act uncomfortable.

During the scenes with doubles in Phantom, yell "Hey, that's a
different chick!!"

Convince people Carlotta (in Phantom of the Opera) is a man in
drag.

Pretend to be a foreigner and be annoyed that you can't
understand what is going on in a show.

When someone complains about an understudy insert, tell them it
is too bad an understudy isn't going on for the other lead as
that person is awful and only got the job because of sleeping
with someone.

Dart around the theater while humming the theme to Mission
Impossible.

Sing 'Row Row Row Your Boat' during any scene that includes a
boat (Scarlet Pimpernel, Phantom, Pirates of Penzance, etc.)
Alternately, this song is also appropriate at Merrily We Roll
Along.

At Scarlet Pimpernel, ask why the hell someone would write a show
about acne.

Take a bunch of your friends and go into a lobby of a theatre and
begin singing songs from the show.

If you are old enough: go up to some actor at a stage door, and
say you went to elementary school with them and see if they play
along or not.

At Dream True, join in the fun and pretend you, too, are in love
with the Jeff McCarthy character.

Convince people to take the Circle Line or visit Hicksville
because people in Rent mention it.

Set up reservations for the women's bathroom for intermission.
Charge a fee.

==============================================================

From  Thu May  6 15:19:54 1999 -0700
Date: Thu, 6 May 1999 16:50:10 EDT
Subject: Modern age Maxims
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 157

MODERN-TIME MAXIMS FOR THE INTERNET AGE


Home is where you hang your @

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use
the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

Great groups from little icons grow.

Speak softly and carry a cell phone.

C:\ is the root of all directories.

Don't put all your hypes in one homepage.

Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

The modem is the message

Too many clicks spoil the browse.

The geek shall inherit the earth.

A chat has nine lives.

Don't byte off more than you can view.

Fax is stranger than fiction.

What boots up must come down.

Virtual reality is its own reward.

Modulation in all things.

A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

There's no place like
<A HREF="http://www.home.com/">http://www.home.com</A>

Know what to expect before you connect.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice.

Speed thrills.

==============================================================

From  Thu May  6 21:32:49 1999 -0700
Date: Thu, 6 May 1999 22:02:48 EDT
Subject: The Cynic's Guide to Life
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 158

 "The Cynic's Guide To Life"
 
 1. Follow your dream!  Unless it's the one where
 you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. 
 
 2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and 
 sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
 
 3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.  Do not 
 walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.  Do not walk 
 beside me, either.  Just leave me alone.
 
 4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone.  Just 
 take another road. That's why the highway
 department made so many of them.
 
 5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. 
 Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
 
 6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.   It makes 
 the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
 
 7. It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going
 to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
 
 8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard 
 near the phone.  That way, when a salesman calls, 
 you can hold the receiver up to it and run your
 fingernails across it until he hangs up. 
 
 9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of 
 the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-
 snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-
 the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is". 
 
 10. Into every life some rain must fall.  Usually when 
 your car windows are down.
 
 11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to 
 make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
 
 12. When you find yourself getting irritated with 
 someone, try to remember that all men are brothers 
 and just give them a noogie or an Indian (Chinese) burn.
 
 13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent
 of pigs in a blanket.  That's the price you pay for letting 
 the relatives stay over.
 
 14. It's a small world.  So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
 
 15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder 
 to the wheel.  It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery. 
 
 16. This land is your land.  This land is my land.  So 
 stay on your land.
 
 17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good, you don't
 want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.

==============================================================

From  Tue May 11 11:31:23 1999 -0700
Date: Tue, 11 May 1999 10:19:18 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: 50/50
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 159

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at
McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an
extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided
the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him,
one for her, until each had half of them.

Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set
that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his
wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young
man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another
meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and 
everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The
young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she 
replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."

==============================================================

From  Tue May 11 11:35:39 1999 -0700
Date: Tue, 11 May 1999 10:23:34 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: God sure is funny
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 160

A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, 
pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and
even close to God.  He felt so close to God that he felt if he
spoke God would listen. So he asked, "God, are you listening?" 
     
And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here."
     
The man stopped and pondered some more. He looked towards the sky
and said, "God, what is a million years to you?" God replied,
"Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you."
     
So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder...
Then he looked to the sky again and said, "God, what is a
million dollars to you?" And God replied, "My son, my son...a
million dollars to me is like a penny to you. It means almost
nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little."
     
The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky
and said, "God, can I have a million dollars?"
     
And God replied, "In a second."

==============================================================

From  Tue May 11 17:09:27 1999 -0700
Date: Tue, 11 May 1999 15:50:10 -0700
Subject: New Mercedes
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 161

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate for
a nice evening drive.  The top was down, the breeze was blowing
through his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red
and blue light behind him.  "There ain't no way they can catch a
Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.  The
needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still
behind him.

"What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.  The
cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined
it and the car.

"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over.  I don't
feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for
your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was
afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night", said the officer.

==============================================================

From  Sun May 23 09:48:55 1999 -0700
Subject: A joke for the list...
Date: Sun, 23 May 99 16:30:40 +0100
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 162

A businessman needs to call his work colleague at home to get
some information: he rings her number and the phone is picked up
instantly.

A tiny voice whispers "Hello?"

"Oh, hello darling, can I speak to your mother?"

"No, Mummy's busy.."

"Oh, then can I speak to your father?"

"No, Daddy's busy too..."

"Well it is rather important - is there anyone else there?"

"Yes, there's a policeman here.."

"Goodness me, then I'd better talk to the policeman!"

"No, he's busy too.."

"Well is there someone else there? Anyone?"

"There's a Fireman..."

"Oh my - let me talk to the Fireman, darling, quickly!"

"No, he's busy too...."

"But what are they all doing?"

"Looking for me...." 

==============================================================

From  Wed May 19 09:51:48 1999 -0700
Date: Wed, 19 May 1999 08:38:34 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Churches and weddings
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 163

Children -n- Church.
     
A little boy was in a relative's wedding.  As he was coming down
the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd
alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing
the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it
went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the
aisle.  As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from
laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
     
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed
from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he
reached the pulpit.  When asked what he was doing, the child
sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear...."
    
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with
fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. 
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up
and looked at it closely.
     
It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between
the pages.  "Momma, look what I found," the boy  called out. 
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
     
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think
it's Adam's suit!"
     
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he 
preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike
cord as he went.  Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in
the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
     
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew
leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will
he hurt us?"
     
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were
sitting together in church.  Joel giggled, sang, and talked out
loud.  
Finally, his big sister had had enough.  "You're not supposed to
talk out loud in church."  "Why?  Who's going to stop me?" Joel
asked.
     
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two
men standing by the door?  They're hushers."
     
**************************************************************
     
Awe....Newlyweds...how cute.
     
A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their
honeymoon.  
When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately
called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.  "Well,
darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"
     
"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!  So
romantic, we had a terrific time!  But, mother, as soon as we
returned, Sam began using really horrible language.  Stuff I'd
never heard before.  Really terrible 4-letter words.  You've got
to come get me and take me home.  

Please Mother!"  And the new bride began to sob over the
telephone.
     
"But honey," the mother countered, "what 4-letter words?"  "I
can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful!
Come get me, please!!!"
     
"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell
mother the 4-letter words!"
     
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother, words like dust, wash,
iron, and cook!
     
**************************************************************

From  Fri May 28 08:54:50 1999 -0700
Date:  Fri, 28 May 1999 09:33:13 -0400
Subject:  BS, MS, PhD
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 164

We all know what BS is, right?

MS is More of Same.

PhD is Piled Higher and Deeper.

==============================================================

From  Fri May 28 11:53:28 1999 -0700
Subject: Amateurs/Professionals
Date: Fri, 28 May 1999 09:21:07 -0000
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 165

Don't be afraid to try new things.
Amateurs built the Ark - professionals built the Titanic.

==============================================================

From  Wed May 26 11:53:16 1999 -0700
Subject: Things to do in an elevator
Date: Wed, 26 May 1999 09:21:05 -0000
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 166

THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR:

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and
go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend.
After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your
day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up,
then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets
on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them
if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. 
Don't panic, they open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering "Shutup, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside,
ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall,without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then
announce, "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the ther passengers, "This is my personal space!" 
 
==============================================================

From  Wed Jun  9 22:53:06 1999 -0700
Date:  Thu, 10 Jun 1999 00:26:40 EDT
Subject:  Hamsters on their break
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 167

What union Hampsters do on their summer break off from the
Theatre

 http://hampsterdance.com/

==============================================================

From  Sat Jul 24 14:57:03 1999 -0700
Date: Sat, 24 Jul 1999 16:34:20 EDT
Subject: Catchy tune.......
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 168

Would You Like To Play The Guitar?
Sung to the tune of "Would You Like to Swing on a Star".
New lyrics by Pat Donohue.

Would you like to play the guitar
Carry money home in a jar
From a coffeehouse or a bar
Or would you rather get a job?

A job is the thing that makes you get out of bed
And work every day until you're dead
Your back is achin' and your brain is numb
And you just can't wait until the weekend comes
But if you don't want to starve, beg or rob
You're gonna have to get a job

Or would you like to play the guitar
Drive for miles and miles in your car
And pretend that you're a big star
Or would you rather book the gig?

The agent's the guy who takes his twenty percent
What he says isn't always what he meant
He'll clean you out in ways you never thought
Because he's good at business and he knows you're not
And then he'll sue if you ever make it big
Cause he's the guy who booked the gig

Or would you like to play the guitar
For a living - hardee-har-har
I'll admit it's kind of bizarre
Or would you rather be the wife

The wife is the one who has to rescue our butts
She's either a saint or else she is nuts
She gets impatient and she gets annoyed
Cause she's the one who must remain employed
And by the way if you want to wreck your life
Become a guitar player's wife

Cause all the monkeys aren't in the zoo
They can be trained to play guitar too
Some do a whole lot better than you
But even if you don't go far
You could be worse off than you are
least you're playing your guitar

Catchy tune....

==============================================================

From  Sat Jul  3 06:37:30 1999 -0700
Date:         Sat, 3 Jul 1999 15:19:50 +0300
Subject: Technology Advances
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 169

Once I was telling my elder daughter (she was 6 at that time)
-"You know Eugenia when we were at your age we did not have a TV"
-"You did not have a TV, ehh " she murmured with amazement
-"No, we did not have a video player either"
She looked swallowing that more easily as she wondered what would
be the use
of a video player without a TV set.
-" Neither a computer" I added.
At this point she exploded. Her eyes wide open she asked for
confirmation,
"You did not have a computer?"
"No" I answered, puzzled with the vividness of her reaction.
- "And how could you send a FAX without a computer?"

==============================================================

From  Sun Jul  4 13:14:24 1999 -0700
Subject: Sith lord humor
Date: Sun, 4 Jul 1999 11:54:56 -0700
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 170

It is entirely dedicated to fan fiction of Darth Maul, from the
Phantom Menace.

www.hemingways.net/domains/siubhan/sithacademy/storieschrono.html

My favorites to date are:
 
Darth Maul gets his masters degree
Darth Maul gets a pet
Darth Maul does Tech support

==============================================================

From  Fri Jun 11 09:29:30 1999 -0700
Date: Tue, 01 Jun 1999 15:57:40
Subject: Weekend Funnies
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 171

Dorm Fine
---------
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:
"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students,
and the male dormitory to the female students.  Anybody caught
breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.  The second
time you will be fined $60.  A third time will cost you a fine of
$180.  Are there any questions?"

A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

Home Alone
----------
A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little
Johnny answers holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.  The
salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"

Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the
hell do you think?"

==============================================================

From  Fri Jun 11 09:29:50 1999 -0700
Date: Tue, 01 Jun 1999 15:56:14
Subject: Dogs & The Light Bulbs
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 172

	HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've
got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about
a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one.  And I'll replace any wiring that's not
up to code.

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll
do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will
be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead!  Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling.  Let the servants. . .

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!  Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can
I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while
he's  busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it?  I can still pee on the carpet in
the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the
couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...

Greyhound: It isn't moving.  Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little
circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just
ate was a light bulb?

==============================================================

From  Sun Jun 13 18:35:31 1999 -0700
Date: Wed, 02 Jun 1999 18:25:15
Subject: Little Known U.S. Gov't Depts
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 173


      The Top 15 Little Known U.S. Government Departments
           

15 Office of Investigation of Unfair Internet Humor List
    Hiring Practices 
    
14 Department of Annexation: Because those damned Canadians
    can't hold out forever. 

13 Bureau for Explaining that What Happens on "The X-Files"
    is Not Real
	
12 Dept. of Chinese Nuclear Technology (formerly Dept. of
    Defense)

11 Why are Pork Chops Shaped Like South America Dept.

10 Official Judiciary Department In Determined Investigation To
    Uncover Deception Of Real Killers (O.J.D.I.D.I.T.U.D.O.R.K.)
	
 9 Strom Thurmond Animation and Preservation Department 
 	
 8 Bureau of Alcohol, Tabasco, and Fire Alarms 
 
 7 Committee to Re-Erect the President 
 
 6 Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Big-Ass Monster
    Trucks, Jerry Springer, and Butt Cracks You Could Lose A 12"
    Pipe Wrench In 
 
 5 Dept. of Empty Public Gestures 
 
 4 Th. Off. Gov't Dept. o. Abbrv. 
 
 3 Committee Rationalizing Appropriate Propogation Of
    Long Acronyms 
 
 2 Federal Mime Protection Program 

 
          and Topfive.com's Number 1 Little Known
                U.S. Government Department...


 1 Department of Internet Security and Censo...**NO CARRIER** 

==============================================================

From  Mon Jun 14 22:17:31 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 04 Jun 1999 17:08:48
Subject: Classic Lawyers
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 174

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a
conference.  At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets
and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?"
asked one of the three lawyers.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train.  The lawyers take their respective
seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the
door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets.  He knocks on the restroom door and says,
"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm
emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves
on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
After the conference, the lawyers decided to modify the
engineer's technique on the return trip and save some money. 
They wouldn't want to be outdone (of course).  When they got to
the station, they watched the engineers buy a single ticket for
the return trip.

To the engineers astonishment, the lawyers didn't buy a ticket at
all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one
perplexed engineer.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the lawyers. When they board
the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three
engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs.  Shortly afterward, one of the lawyers leaves
his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the engineers
are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

==============================================================

From  Mon Jun 14 22:17:59 1999 -0700
Date: Tue, 08 Jun 1999 17:56:41
Subject: Over 1 Billion Beers
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 175

 Over 1 Billion Served
 ---------------------
 A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City
 and orders a beer.  (In Germany and many parts of Europe,
 McDonald's actually does serve beer.)  The local guy in the
 line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't
 serve BEER here, you MORON!"  The German fellow felt pretty
 stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised
 look, and begins to chuckle.
 
 "And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.
 
 "Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here
 for the food."

==============================================================


From  Tue Jun 15 07:32:16 1999 -0700
Date: Tue, 15 Jun 1999 06:14:35 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Getting Older....
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 176

Lord, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked 
 anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.
 
NOW THAT I AM OLDER, THIS IS WHAT I DISCOVERED...
- I started out with nothing . . . and still have most of it. 
- When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
- I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. 
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
- All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. 
- If all is not lost, where is it?
- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
- The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
- I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through. 
- Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
- A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
- Kids in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back
  seat cause kids.
- It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden
  stop at the end.
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my 
  knees.
- When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone
  else decide to play chess?
- Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
  die. 
- Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.

==============================================================

From  Mon Jun 14 22:17:38 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 04 Jun 1999 17:06:58
Subject: Backseat Driver
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 178

BACKSEAT DRIVER
            _____________________________

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.  The
following exchange takes place.... The man says, "What's the
problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry.  You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a
     dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken
     tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light?  I didn't know about a broken tail
light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
	(The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing
     your seatbelt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your
husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk." 

==============================================================

From  Tue Jun 15 17:52:25 1999 -0700
Subject: Old Age
Date: Mon, 07 Jun 1999 16:56:12
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 179

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped
going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so
many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He
found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come
after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he
whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any
day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured
that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I
don't want to remind Him!"

==============================================================

From  Wed Jun 16 22:03:32 1999 -0700
Date: Wed, 16 Jun 1999 22:45:33 -0500 (CDT)
Subject: OOP Light Bulb
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 180

Q: How many object-oriented programmers to change a light-bulb?
A: None, because a properly o-o designed bulb should accept a
changeBulb message.

==============================================================

From  Tue Jun 15 17:52:35 1999 -0700
Date: Mon, 07 Jun 1999 16:59:03
Subject: Universe
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 181

THE NATURE OF THE UNIVERSE

Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a
light side, a dark side, and it holds  the universe
together...."

Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if
ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for
and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be
replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has
already happened."

Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the
universe and human stupidity, and I'm  not sure about
the former."

Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which
is a comforting thought for those people who can't
remember where they leave things."

Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it
happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe
is simply one of those things which happen from time to
time."

John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the
entire universe, with one trifling  exception, is
composed of others."

Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the
universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."

Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps
the biggest."

Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to
'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your
way around Chinatown."

Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between
software engineers striving to build bigger and better
idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to
produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe
is winning."

Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe,
though I don't know what it's a plan for."

Christopher Morley: "My theology, briefly, is that the
universe was dictated but not signed."

Edward Chilton: "I'm worried that the universe will
soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge."

Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign
that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe
is that it has never tried to contact us."

==============================================================

From  Fri Jun 18 09:24:37 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1999 11:02:38 EDT
Subject: THE PLAN
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 182

THE PLAN
In the beginning there was a plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
and the Plan was completely without substance
and the darkness was upon the face of the workers
and they spoke among themselves, saying
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh to high heaven."
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto
them,
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that
none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to
another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very
strong."
And the directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto
them,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto
him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency
of this Company, and these Areas in particular."
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Company Policy.

This Is How Shit Happens.

==============================================================

From  Tue Jun 15 17:52:38 1999 -0700
Date: Mon, 07 Jun 1999 17:00:47
Subject: LeRoy
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 183

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office
worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy,
and LeRoy," she answered.
"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked  "What if you want them to
come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all
come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he
asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

==============================================================

From  Wed Jun 16 18:53:32 1999 -0700
Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1999 20:34:40
Subject: The Secretary
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 185

The secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The
boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I
know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect
you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who
told you you could come and go as you please around here ?"

Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling
said, "My lawyer."

==============================================================

From  Thu Jun 17 15:45:33 1999 -0700
Date:  Thu, 17 Jun 1999 14:13:37 -0600 (MDT)
Subject:  List Humor
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 186

Q: How many list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  3,056:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the list that the 
  light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and
   how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
	
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing
   light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the
light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail
list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to
please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all
use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to
this mail list. 

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is
superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light
bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are
faulty. 

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different
light bulbs

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to
post corrected URLs.

3  to post about links they found from the URLs that
are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to 
this list. 

33 to summarize all posts to date, then quote them including
all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because
they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant
for, leave it here.

143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

And a few more...

27 to post in HTML because they are using the IE or Netscape
that had it turned on by default and are too clueless to look

48 to complain about the HTML posts

27 to post 'sorry I didn't realize it was on' -- in HTML

96 to complain about more HTML and post detailed
instructions on how to change the setting

58 to mumble something about using a web browser to read
mail

12 MIME posts with useless colors and bolds saying thanks
for the help with the HTML mail

1 to post a GIF/JPG of the lightbulb hanging too close to
their digital camera. 

1 complaint from the guy using /usr/ucb/Mail who wants to
know what the *&(%$! has been going on

58 to complain about the binary post 

74 to say they liked the binary and didn't mind it

1 post about how you can MAKE MONEY FAST!!!!! by selling
lightbulbs and this report available for only $5. 

1318 to reply to the list with the full spam attached and
then put 'remove' at the end

3 to flame the other morons for replying to the spammer and
CCing the list

1 from the list admin notifying that the list is looking for
a bigger server to handle the load
 
==============================================================

From  Fri Jun 18 11:07:04 1999 -0700
Date:  Fri, 18 Jun 1999 12:02:14 -0400
Subject: case study comment
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 187

"Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool."

Henry David Thoreau who first said it:
"It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
ingenious."

Another Thoreau-ism:
"Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it."

And from the one who should know best:
"Only fools are positive." --Moe Howard

==============================================================

From  Sat Jul 31 17:58:55 1999 -0700
Date: Wed, 28 Jul 1999 17:10:40
Subject: Woodstock, '69 and '99
Status: O
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                  
X-UID: 188

                 The Top 15 Differences between 
                 Woodstock '69 and Woodstock '99


             [  The Top 5 List   www.topfive.com  ]
             [   Copyright 1999 by Chris White    ]



15 1969: Three-mile long line of vans bringing flower children
          to a festival of peace and love;
   1999: Three-mile long line of vans bringing soccer children
          to state junior tournament in nearby Poughkeepsie

14 1969: First aid tents filled with people who overdosed on 
          heroin and LSD.
   1999: First aid tents filled with people who overdosed on 
          Frappuccino and Mountain Dew.

13 1969: Smell of freshly rolled burning joint; 
   1999: Smell of freshly tattooed burning skin

12 1969: Ignited a generation;  
   1999: Generated an ignition

11 1969: 3 days of peace, love and understanding;  
   1999: 3 days of pay-per-view for $89.95

10 1969: "Don't take the brown acid, man!";  
   1999: "Go easy on the tech stocks, man!"

 9 1969: "Don't stop the rock and roll!";  
   1999: "Stop, Drop and Roll!"

 8 1969: Bad acid makes everyone sick;  
   1999: MTV VJ Jessie Camp makes everyone sick

 7 1969: "Hey, beautiful, what's your sign?";  
   1999: "Hey, beautiful, what's your URL?"

 6 1969: 3-day ticket -- $18;  
   1999: 3 sodas -- $18

 5 Dead 1969 alums: Janis, Jimi, and Jerry;  
   Dead 1999 alums: Peace and love

 4 1969: Go naked for that one-with-nature feeling;  
   1999: Go naked and have your photo end up all over the
          internet

 3 1969: "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to
          lose";
   1999: Freedom's just another word for a gassed up SUV and
          a debit card

 2 1969: Firing up a joint during the show;  
   1999: Burning down the joint after the show

           and Topfive.com's Number 1 Difference 
        between Woodstock '69 and Woodstock '99...

 1 1969: "We are stardust...";  
   1999: "We are Starbucks..."

==============================================================

From  Sun Aug  1 22:42:00 1999 -0700
Date: Sun, 01 Aug 1999 21:14:01 -0700
Subject: church
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 189

A priest was called away for an emergency.  Not wanting to leave
the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from
across the street and asked him to cover for him.  The rabbi
told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him
to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show
him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the
confessional.

A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, "Father forgive
me for I have sinned."  The priest asks "What did you do?"  The
woman says, "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin
no more."  

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.  He says,
"Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Priest:"How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin
no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the
priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father
forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times.  We have a special this week,
three for $5."

==============================================================

From  Sun Aug  1 13:11:03 1999 -0700
Date: Thu, 29 Jul 1999 23:47:37
Subject: Blonde Guy (finally!)
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 190

FINALLY!  A  blond GUY joke!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction
work on  scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.  They were
eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If
I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going
to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again!
If get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again.  If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and
cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees
a burrito and jumps too.  The blond opens his lunch, sees the
bologna and jumps to his death also.

At  the  funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If
I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I
never would have given it to him again!

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him
tacos or enchiladas!  I didn't realize he hated burritos so
much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife.  "Hey, don't
look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch."

==============================================================

From  Sun Jun 20 20:08:04 1999 -0700
Date: Thu, 17 Jun 1999 17:24:17
Subject: DUI Story
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 191

 On Duty
 
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy
bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence
laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar,
trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before
he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with
his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove
off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver,
read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The
results showed a reading of 0.0. The  puzzled officer demanded to
know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the
designated decoy."

==============================================================

From  Thu Jun 17 18:17:02 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1999 07:54:13
Subject: Job Burnout
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 192

	Top 10 Signs That You Have Job Burnout:

10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with just, "Hell."
     
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately
   scream, "Get off my back!"
     
8. Your garbage can is your "in" box. 
     
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to
   sleep because you just don't care.
     
6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to LOGON.
     
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through
   Monday.
     
4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know the pager
   will go off before the alarm does.
     
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.
     
2. Your DayTime/Work Planner exploded a week ago.
     
And the number one sign that you are burned out because of work:

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail
right now!

==============================================================

From  Fri Jun 18 21:28:00 1999 -0700
Date: Sun, 13 Jun 1999 17:22:22
Subject: Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 193

Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work
1.  It's an incentive to show up.
2.  It reduces stress.
3.  It leads to more honest communications.
4.  It reduces complaints about low pay.
5.  It cuts down on time off because you can work with a
    hangover.
6.  Employees tell management what they think, not what
    management wants to hear.
7.  It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8.  It encourages carpooling.
9.  Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you
    don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to
    work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are
    wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax
    at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees the work is better after they've had a
    couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their
    lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting naked on the copy machine will no longer be seen as
    "gross".
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

==============================================================

From  Tue Jun 22 12:37:52 1999 -0700
Date:  Tue, 22 Jun 1999 09:24:11 -0400
Subject:  Fools quote
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 194

I believe it is morally wrong to allow a fool to keep his
money...

"Who is most foolish?  The Fool or one who follows him?"

==============================================================

From  Tue Jun 22 14:24:00 1999 -0700
Date:  Tue, 22 Jun 1999 15:39:33 EDT
Subject:  Fools quote
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 195

In college our version of this was
"A fool, and her legs are soon parted..."

(apologies to the PC folks on the list.)
Kristi

==============================================================

From  Tue Aug  3 08:26:53 1999 -0700
Date: Tue, 03 Aug 1999 10:07:59 -0400
Subject: Re:  Fools Quote
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 196

Nothing is ever really foolproof,
because fools are so ingenious.
MR

http://www.technology-design.com

==============================================================

From  Mon Aug  2 14:56:16 1999 -0700
Date: Mon, 02 Aug 1999 16:12:17 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: RE: church
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 197

It seems that this incident ("We have a special this week, three
for $5.") really didn't sit too well with the priest when he
heard about it. This lead to a bit of a split between the Church
and the Synagogue, a rivalry built up out of it. Everytime one
congregation got something for "their guy or goy" the other side
tried to one up it.

It was time for a new car anyway. So the Church got their priest
a nice brandy spanky new top of the line Cadillac. So the next
sunday they presented it to their priest who drove around town,
passing the Synagogue not a few times in the process. A few of
the members happened to be present at that time so the word
spread to the Jewish community like wildfire.

Once they remembered that their Rabbi's Oldsmobile was getting
long on the tooth they figured it was time he, too, had a new
car. So one of them owned a local dealership and could get the
congregation a brandy spanky shiny new Mercedes Benz at a
discount. The promptly presented it to their Rabbi. The Jewish
sabbath being what it is the Rabbi waited a couple days and then
drove HIS new car around town, passing the church a few times
along the way. This PO'd the church's congregation no end. So
they sat back and figured and figured how to one up this display.

Well, being Catholics they could consecrate anything they could
create a Latin neologism to fit. The next sunday in a VERY
elaborate ceremony with a parade through the city they
consecrated that Cadillac. Of course, they made sure the Jews
noticed....

The Rabbi solved this one in no time at all. He called the local
Moyl who came and cut off 2" of the Mercedes' tailpipe.

{O,o}

==============================================================

From  Tue Aug  3 17:29:42 1999 -0700
Date: Sat, 31 Jul 1999 13:58:14
Subject: Medical Funnies
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 198

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual
acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and
began, "Cover your right eye with your hand."  He read the 20/20
line perfectly. "Now your left."

Again, a flawless read.  "Now both," I requested.  There was
silence.  He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.  I
turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked;
he was standing there with both his eyes covered.  I was laughing
too hard to finish the exam.
************

A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the
patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me.  This is
only a one-seater!"
************

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble
with one of his medications.

"Which one?", asked the doctor.  "The patch.  The nurse told me
to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!"  The doctor had him quickly undress and
discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see....Yes, the man had over
fifty patches on his body!  Now the instructions include removal
of the old patch before applying a new one.
************

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!"  The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out
to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off her
underwear.  Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and
he's in the wrong one.
************

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bedridden?"  After a look of complete
confusion she answered, "Why not for about twenty years -- when
my husband was alive."
************

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.  Not
more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest
of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
*************

A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on
an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's posterior chest
wall.  "Big breaths," instructed the nurse.  "Yes, they used to
be," remorsed the patient.
*************

A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's your
breakfast this morning?"  "It's very good, except for the
Kentucky Jelly.  I can't seem to get used to the taste," the
patient replied.  The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman
produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

==============================================================

From  Tue Jul 27 03:13:28 1999 -0700
Date: Thu, 22 Jul 1999 15:41:32
Subject: Moe and Sam
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 199

JOKE : MOE AND SAM.. (AND GOOD NEWS/BAD NEWS)

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all
their lives.   Well, it seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to
visit him.

"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all
our lives.  Sam, you gotta' do me one favor. When you go, somehow
you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, you've
been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you."

And with that, Sam passes on.
  
It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a
Distant voice calls out to him, "Moe....Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's me, Sam."
  
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that really you? Where are you?"
  
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got
some good news and some bad news."
 
"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven."

"Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?"

Sam says, "You're pitching Tuesday!"

==============================================================

From  Tue Jul 27 21:06:08 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 23 Jul 1999 08:49:33
Subject: An Anniversary of sorts
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 200

                 AN ANNIVERSARY OF SORTS
                _________________________

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband
missing from their bed.  In the stillness of the house, she
could hear a muffled sound downstairs.  She went downstairs
and looked all around, still not finding her husband.

Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning.  She went
down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the
corner facing the wall, crying.  She asked him, "What's wrong
with you?"

He replied, "Remember when your father caught us together,
when you were 16?  Remember he said I had a choice: I could
either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20
years."

Baffled, she said, "Yes."

The husband bawled, "I would have been released from prison
today."

==============================================================

From  Tue Jul 27 21:06:00 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 23 Jul 1999 08:43:51
Subject: Dont Believe Everything You Read
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 201

The Top 6 Signs Your Neighbor Believes Everything He/She Reads

             [  The Top 5 List   www.topfive.com  ]
             [   Copyright 1999 by Chris White    ]


 6 Has enough stockpiled Y2K provisions to feed a small nation.

 5 He's writing to Playboy's Miss July because they have the
    same interests.

 4 Quotes George Will columns as reference material.

 3 She once got caught in an infinite "lather, rinse, repeat"
    loop.

 2 Throws a big barbecue every year to celebrate the notice
    that he may already be a winner.


              and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your 
          Neighbor Believes Everything He/She Reads...


 1 Votes Republican.

==============================================================

From  Tue Jul 27 00:46:10 1999 -0700
Date: Tue, 27 Jul 1999 02:24:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: RE: Catchy tune.......
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 202

Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

==============================================================

From  Sun Jun 20 20:08:08 1999 -0700
Date: Thu, 17 Jun 1999 17:27:17
Subject: The Seance
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 203

For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with
her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real
gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other
world. We all talk to them! Last week I talked with my mother,
may she rest in peace. Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to
your zayde who you miss so much!"

Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next
seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the
colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person
on each side. All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom."

Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a
crystal ball.

"My medium...Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with
you? Who? Mr. Pitzel?  Milton Pitzel's Zayde?"

Milty swallowed the lump in his throad and called, "Grampa?
Zayde?"
 
"Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered.
 
"Yes! Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your Milty! Zayde, are you
happy in the other world?"

"Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh,
we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!"

A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each
question did his zayde answer, until "So now, Milteleh, I have to
go. The angels are calling.

Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."
 
"Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?"

==============================================================

From  Mon Jun 21 10:06:45 1999 -0700
Date:  Mon, 21 Jun 1999 10:58:14 EDT
Subject:  George Carlin
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 204

    THINK ABOUT IT!
    by George Carlin

 1. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
 2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
 3. How is it possible to have a civil war?
 4. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
 5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
 6. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
 7. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
 8. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in
    it?
 9. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of
    "asteroids"?
10. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
11. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that
    song?
12. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
13. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a
    plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of
    that stuff?
14. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
15. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
    monkeys and apes?
16. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
    self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat
    the purpose.
17. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why
    are  they all still working?
18. Should crematoriums give discounts for burnvictims?
19. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
20. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he
    become disoriented?
21. Aren't you glad his name wasn't Alexander Graham Siren?

==============================================================

From  Wed Jun 23 18:54:16 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1999 13:29:53
Subject: Tattoo Parlor
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 205

JOKE : TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT A TATTOO PARLOR 

10. "Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE." 
9. "We're all out of red, so I used pink." 
8. "There are 2 Os in Bob, right?" 
7. "Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy." 
6. "That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named
Tahiti Sweetie." 
5. "Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups." 
4. "Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room
back here." 
3. "I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before." 
2. "The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a
nice waving effect." 
1. Oops.... 

==============================================================

From  Mon Jun 21 18:05:28 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1999 12:56:45
Subject: The Samurais
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 206

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who
needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout
the country that he was searching for one.

A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a
Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate
why he should be head Samurai.

The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little
fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground
in 2 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!" The emperor
then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate.

The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly.
Whoosh whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in
4 The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!"

The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should
be the head Samurai.

The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly.
His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh
whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh.

A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and
buzzing around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that,
why is the fly  not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai smiled, "If you look closely, you'll see that
the fly has been circumcised"!

==============================================================

From  Mon Jun 21 18:06:35 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1999 12:33:40
Subject: alt.lite.bulb
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 207

Q: How many list subscribers does it take to change a light
        bulb?
A:  3,056:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the list that the 
	  light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and
	   how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
	
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
   hanging light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the
light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail
list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to
please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
    alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use
    light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this 
    mail list. 

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior,
    where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs
    work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light
   bulbs

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post
   corrected URLs.

3  to post about links they found from the URLs that
   are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to 
   this list. 

33 to summarize all posts to date, then quote them including
   all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they
   cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant 
   for, leave it here.

143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

And a few more...

27 to post in HTML because they are using the IE or Netscape
that had it turned on by default and are too clueless to look

48 to complain about the HTML posts

27 to post 'sorry I didn't realize it was on' -- in HTML

96 to complain about more HTML and post detailed instructions on
how to change the setting

58 to mumble something about using a web browser to read mail

12 MIME posts with useless colors and bolds saying thanks for the
   help with the HTML mail

1 to post a GIF/JPG of the lightbulb hanging too close to their
  digital camera. 

1 complaint from the guy using /usr/ucb/Mail who wants to know
what the *&(%$! has been going on

58 to complain about the binary post 

74 to say they liked the binary and didn't mind it

1 post about how you can MAKE MONEY FAST!!!!! by selling
lightbulbs and this report available for only $5. 

1318 to reply to the list with the full spam attached and then
put  'remove' at the end

3 to flame the other morons for replying to the spammer and
CCing the
  list

1 from the list admin notifying that the list is looking for a
bigger server to handle the load

==============================================================

From  Tue Jun 29 17:17:29 1999 -0700
Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1999 18:55:35 EDT
Subject: Barbie again
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 208

  THE VIRTUE OF A PRENUP
  
Ralph was driving home one evening and realized that it was his
daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.  He drove
to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store
manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window? "
  
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have Barbie goes to the gym
for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie goes
shopping for $19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie
goes to the Nightclub for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for
$375.00."
 
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are
19.95?!?" Ralph asked surprised.
  
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat,
Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

==============================================================

From  Tue Jun 22 19:46:35 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1999 13:08:44
Subject: Training Course for Men
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 209

JOKE : TRAINING COURSE MEN DESPERATELY NEED



DRESSING UP: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

REFRIGERATOR FORENSICS: Identifying and Removing the Dead

DESIGN PATTERN OR SPLATTER STAIN ON THE FLOOR?: You CAN Tell the
Difference!

ACCEPTING LOSS I : If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: 

ACCEPTING LOSS II : If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping
It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back

GOING TO THE SUPERMARKET: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

RECYCLING SKILLS I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

RECYCLING SKILLS II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the
Electronics Came In

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the
Sink

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About
to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

REMEDIAL BATHROOM ETIQUETTE:  How to flush the toilet.

GIVING BACK TO THE COMMUNITY: How to Donate15-Year-Old Levis to
Goodwill

RETRO? OR JUST HIDEOUS?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester
Shirts

NO, THE DISHES WON'T WASH THEMSELVES: Knowing the Limitations of
Your Kitchenware

ROMANCE: More Than a Cable Channel!

STRANGE BUT TRUE!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and
Ten" Means

GOING OUT TO DINNER: Beyond the Pizza Hut

EXPAND YOUR ENTERTAINMENT OPTIONS: Renting Movies That Don't
Fall Under the "Action/Adventure"Category

YOURS, MINE, AND OURS: Sharing the Remote

"I COULD HAVE PLAYED A BETTER GAME THAN THAT!":  Why Women Laugh

ADVENTURES IN HOUSEKEEPING I: Let's Clean the Closet

ADVENTURES IN HOUSEKEEPING II: Let's Clean Under The Bed

"I DON'T KNOW": Be the First Man to Say It!

THE GAS GAUGE IN YOUR CAR: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

DIRECTIONS: It's Okay to Ask for Them

LISTENING: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

ACCEPTING YOUR LIMITATIONS: Just Because You Have Power Tools
Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

==============================================================

From  Tue Jun 22 19:44:20 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1999 13:01:43
Subject: Star Trek Euphenisms for Death
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 210

                         June 16, 1999

                        NOTE FROM CHRIS:  
                        
      As you've no doubt already heard, actor DeForest Kelley, 
     who chewed up the scenery as Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy on 
             "Star Trek", passed away last Friday.
             
    Being the geeks that we are here at Top5, we wanted to do a 
  tribute to the only man who ever *really* talked back to Spock,
      so we'll do it in the way we know best -- with a list.

                      Rest in Peace, Doc.




           The Top 12 Star Trek Euphemisms for Death



12 Sleeps with the Tribbles

11 Zeroing out the Tricorder

10 Taking Acting Lessons from Shatner

 9 Pulling a Spock Without a Planet Genesis to Back It Up

 8 Boldly Going, Going, Gone

 7 Beam Me Up, God-y!

 6 On Permanent Holodeck Duty

 5 Transferred to the U.S.S. Oblivion

 4 Achieving Warp Zero

 3 Doing the Vulcan Ground Meld

 2 Inducing a phase variance in the isolinear array to contain
    the tachyon particle overload, if you know what I mean.


  and Topfive.com's Number 1 Star Trek Euphemism for Death...


 1 Visiting Shatner's Hair

==============================================================

From  Wed Jun 23 15:13:45 1999 -0700
Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 13:46:34 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Cat Diary Excerpts
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 211

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am
forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is
the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from
ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat
another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around
their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try
this at the top of the stairs.  In an attempt to disgust and
repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to
vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with
sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of
the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless
body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of,
and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed
and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm.
Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no
good reason I was chosen for the water torture.  This time
however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo."
That sick minds could invent such a liquid.  My only consolation
is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.
I was placed in solitary throughout the event.  However, I could
hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they
call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was
due to MY power of "allergies."  Must learn what this is and how
to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and
maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more
than happy to return.  He is obviously a half-wit.   The Bird
on the other hand has got to be an informant.  He has mastered
their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak)  and
speaks with them regularly.  I am certain he reports my every
move.  Due to his current placement in the metal room his
safety is assured.  But I can wait.  It is only a matter of
time.

==============================================================

From  Wed Jun 23 18:54:17 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1999 13:28:07
Subject: Too Much Coffee
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 212

JOKE : YOU KNOW YOU HAVE HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN
.....................
 
 -You answer the door before people knock 
 -Juan Valdez named his donkey after you 
 -You grind your coffee with your teeth 
 -You ski uphill 
 -You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse 
  and you don't even work there 
 -Your eyes stay open when you sneeze 
 -You chew on other people's fingernails 
 -Your T-shirt says 'Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend 
 -You can type sixty words per minute with your feet 
 -You can jump-start your car without cables 
 -Cocaine is a downer 
 -You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse 
 -All your kids are named 'Joe' 
 -Your source of nutrition is from 'Sweet n Low' 
 -You don't sweat...you percolate 
 -You buy half and half by the barrel 
 -You've worn out the handle of your favorite mug 
 -You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize 
  it's not plugged in 
 -You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee 
 -You forget to unwrap candybars before you eat them 
 -Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down 
 -People get dizzy just watching you 
 -The Tasters Choice couple wants to adopt you 
 -Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house 
 -Instant coffee takes too long 
 -When someone says, 'How are you?' you say 'Good to the last  
drop' 
 -You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of 
  your eternity in a coffee can 
 -Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil 
 -You're offended when people use the word 'brew' to mean beer 
 -You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug 
 -You can thread the sewing machine while it is running 
 -You can outlast the Energizer bunny 
 -You short out motion detectors 
 -You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore 
 -Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale 
 -You think being called a 'drip' is a compliment 
 -You don't tan, you roast 
 -You can't even remember your second cup 
 -You help your dog chase its tail

==============================================================

From  Thu Jun 24 05:02:57 1999 -0700
Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 10:37:23 -0500
Subject: Great Savings
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 213

Great sayings

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn
a lot today.

Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at
once.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires

I don't have a solution; but I do admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS But it uses up a thousand
times the memory. 

HAM AND EGGS A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment
for a pig.

THE BUCK DOESN'T EVEN SLOW DOWN HERE So keep on going.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?

Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

==============================================================

From  Tue Jun 22 19:47:09 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1999 13:13:06
Subject: Taco Bell funny
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 214

A Taco Funny
For all you Taco Bell fans out there, better make sure you have
"real" money from now on.....

TACO MONEY
The following is a *true* story. It amused me while it was
happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra
holiday cash, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In
my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That's all the cash I
have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get
something to eat and not have to worry about people getting
ticked at me for breaking a $50. 

[Note: $2 bills are quite rare in the US and many establishments
don't have a cash drawer for them]

ME:Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go.
Employee: Is that it?
ME:Yep.
Employee: That'll be $1.04. Is that for here?
ME: No, it's to go. 
At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He
looks at it kind of funny and says:
Employee: Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot.
The following conversation occurs between the two of them. 
Employee: Hey, you ever seen a $2 bill?
MGR: No. A what?
Employee: A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.
MGR: Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL.
Employee: Yeah, I thought so.
He comes back to me and says:
Employee: We don't take these. Do you have anything else?
ME: Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?
Employee: I don't know.
ME: See here where it says legal tender?
Employee: Yeah.
ME: So, shouldn't you take it?
Employee: Well, hang on a sec.
He goes back to his manager, who is watching me like I'm going
to shoplift, and says:
Employee: He says I have to take it.
MGR: Doesn't he have anything else?
Employee: Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe
and get change.
MGR: I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE! (my emphasis) 
Employee: What should I do?
MGR: Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money.
Employee: I can't tell him that, you tell him.
MGR: Just tell him.
Employee: No way, this is weird, I'm going in back.
The manager approaches me and says:
MGR: I'm sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night.
(It was 8 pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well-lighted
indoor mall with 100 other stores.)
ME: Well, here's a two.
MGR: We don't take *those* either.
ME: Why not?
MGR: I think you *know* why.
ME: (Knowing full well he's an idiot) No really, tell me, why?
MGR: Please leave before I call mall security.
ME: Excuse me?
MGR: Please leave before I call mall security.
ME: What for?
MGR: Please, sir.
ME: Uh, go ahead, call them.
MGR: Would you please just leave?
ME: No.
MGR: Fine, have it your way then.
ME: No, that's Burger King, isn't it?
At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on
the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from
the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.
A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in and says (at
the other end of counter, in a whisper):
SG: Yeah, Mike, what's up?
MGR: This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.
SG: Really? What?
MGR: Get this, a *two* dollar bill.
SG: Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?
MGR: I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other
thing he has is a fifty.
SG: So, is the fifty a fake?
MGR: No, the $2 is.
SG: Why would he fake a $2 bill?
MGR: I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?
SG: Yeah...
Security guard walks over to me and says:
SG: Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to
use.
ME: Uh, no.
SG: Lemme see 'em.
ME: Why?
SG: Do you want me to get the cops in here?
At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE" but I really
just wanted to eat, so I said:
ME: I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2
bill. I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was
taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few
times in his hands, and says:
SG: Mike, what's wrong with this bill?
MGR: It's fake.
SG: It doesn't look fake to me.
MGR: But it's a **$2** bill.
SG: Yeah?
MGR: Well, there's no such thing, is there?
The security guard and I both looked at him like the moron he
is, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue. My burrito was
free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things,
too.

==============================================================

From  Wed Jul  7 01:44:09 1999 -0700
Subject: For REAL coffee lovers!
Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 00:21:26 -0000
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 215

 You know you have had to much coffee when......
 
 * You answer the door before people knock.
 * Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
 * You ski uphill.
 * You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
 * You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
 * You lick your coffeepot clean.
 * You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and
   you don't even work there.
 * Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
 * You chew on other people's fingernails.
 * Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's
   blend."
 * You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
 * You can jump-start your car without cables.
 * Cocaine is a downer.
 * All your kids are named "Joe".
 * You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
 * Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
 * You don't sweat, you percolate.
 * You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
 * You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
 * You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
 * You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize
   it's not plugged in.
 * You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
 * Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
 * You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
 * People get dizzy just watching you.
 * You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
 * The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
 * Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
 * Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
 * Instant coffee takes too long.
 * When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last
   drop."
 * You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of
   eternity in a coffee can.
 * Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
 * You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
 * You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
 * You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
 * You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
 * You short out motion detectors.
 * You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
 * Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
 * You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
 * You don't tan, you roast.
 * You can't even remember your second cup.
 * You help your dog chase its tail. 
 
==============================================================

From  Tue Aug 10 16:16:17 1999 -0700
Date: Tue, 10 Aug 1999 14:44:17 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Wise advice from kids....... 
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 216

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. 
- Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't
answer him.  - Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. 
- Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. 
- Randy, 10

5. Never pee on an electric fence. 
- Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on. 
- Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. 
- Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your
hair. - Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as
your school assignment. - Traci, 14

10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
- Mitchell, 2

11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. 
- Andrew, 9

12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. 
- Kyoyo, 9

13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 
- Armir, 9

14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 
- Kellie, 11

15.If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. 
- Naomi, 15

16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. 
- Lauren, 9

17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10

18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13

19. Never try to baptize a cat. 
- Eileen, 8

______________________________________________________

From  Mon Aug  9 19:33:04 1999 -0700
Date: Mon, 9 Aug 1999 21:09:59 EDT
Subject: A sad tale
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 217

                       A Sad Tale

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse
about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull
on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for
your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've
never seen a funeral like this.  Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, Well, that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law.  She was trying to help my
husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the
two women.

"Could I borrow that dog?"

"Get in line."

==============================================================

From  Fri Jun 25 18:08:23 1999 -0700
Date: Sun, 20 Jun 1999 18:51:57
Subject: How To Bathe A Cat
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 218

Cat Bathing as a Martial Art
by Bud Herron


Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick
themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some
sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk -
dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've
spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind
believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the
contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage
and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he
must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the
contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a
hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it
has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place
your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

* Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and
lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of
strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the
battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can
force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your
bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get
in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if
you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will
not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain
quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

* Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all
the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are
smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend
canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair
of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a
long-sleeve flak jacket.

* Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a
towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket.
Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside
the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if
you are lying on your back in the water.

* Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as
if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually
notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in
fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain
that you are taking part in a product-testing experiment for J.C.
Penney.)

* Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to
survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step
into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in
the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the
wildest 45 seconds of your life. 

* Cats have no handles.  Add the fact that he now has soapy fur,
and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on
to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you
have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt
of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall
back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off.
(The national record is - for cats - three latherings, so don't
expect too much.)

* Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume
this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are
worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really
determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you
have just been through. That's because by now the cat is
semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the
drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait.
(Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top
of your army helmet. If this happens,
the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage
him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the
tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your
leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks
and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He
might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a
plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This
isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to
get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time
you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot
better.

==============================================================

From  Sun Jun 27 13:29:19 1999 -0700
Date: Mon, 21 Jun 1999 13:15:39
Subject: Women's Dictionary
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 219

Women's Dictionary

Airhead (er*hed) n.  What a woman intentionally
becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.  A discussion that
occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't
realized it yet.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.  You bought the
groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the
tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the
meat and cleaned everything up, but, he,
"made the dinner".

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.  Jokes that are
short so men can understand them.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.  An appliance
designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.  A drink you buy
at a convenience store to go with a pound of
M&M chocolate covered peanuts.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.  The last two
minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.  To walk up and
down a mall, occasionally resting to make
a purchase.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.  Someone who is
able to create a style you will never be able
to duplicate again.  See also "Magician".

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.  Similar to
a black hole in space...if he goes in, he isn't
coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.  You get to go
through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to
hold your hand and say, "Focus... breath...
push... Good Girl!"

Park (park) v./n.  Before children, a verb
meaning, "to go somewhere romantic".  After
children, a noun meaning a place with a swing
set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.  The most important
ingredient for dating, marriage and children.
See also "tranquilizers."

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.  A day
when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner,
diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself
lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will
not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n.  The number of times you
ask someone male to take out the trash, then
end up doing it yourself anyway.

==============================================================

From  Thu Jun 24 12:23:49 1999 -0700
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1999 14:03:48 -0400
Subject:  New vocabulary
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 220

Dilbert's newest additions to add to your vocabulary in the late
90s office environment:

Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb
success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a
deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise,
craps over everything and then leaves.

Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day  swimming
upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the
employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

CLM  - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe
ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is
within earshot is a serious CLM.

Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just
above the rank and file.  Decisions that fall from the
adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to
the problems they were designed to solve.

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of
planning to leave the company or department soon.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error
message "404 URL Not Found," meaning that the requested document
could not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him.. he's
404, man."

Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly
the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip
malls, subdivisions.  Used as in: "We were so lost in generica
that I forgot what city we were in."

Ohno-second - That minuscule fraction of time in which you
realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of

an electronic device to get it to work again.

Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed
intimate relationship, as in "This is Dylan, my ... um ...
friend."

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who
look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea
generators running.

Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch
potato.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in
a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see
what's going on.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one
of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage:  A short-lived first marriage that ends in
divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless
because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.

Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for
losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of
postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person
in an office or work group.

G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people
take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as
soon as they are solvent again.

Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are
annoying  but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The
O.J. trials were a prime example.

Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of  ATMs
everywhere.  Often used when trying to split the bill after a
meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food
stamps."

==============================================================

From  Sun Jun 27 13:30:24 1999 -0700
Date: Mon, 21 Jun 1999 16:45:10
Subject: Darwin Award Winner of 1998
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 221

Late entry.....

THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA.  Telephone relay company night
watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by
excessive microwave radiation exposure.  He was apparently
attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn.
Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year,
according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya
Cooke.  She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for
defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted
maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave
dish. 

He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm
during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter
temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat
water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they
heat food in microwave ovens.  For his Christmas shift, Baker
reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn
chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest
microwave beam. 

Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power
planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday
long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the
daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he
mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared
as a surprise.  Burns also reported to NMSR company officials
that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.

==============================================================

From  Mon Jun 28 18:39:21 1999 -0700
Date: Sun, 27 Jun 1999 12:25:01
Subject: Church Bulletins
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 222

  Church Bulletins 

Actual announcements taken from church bulletins: 

* Don't let worry kill you, let the church help. 

* Thursday night, potluck supper. Prayer and medication to
follow. 

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community. 

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have
a nursery downstairs. 

* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth
of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 

* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North
ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 

* Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All
ladies giving milk will please come early. 

* Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones
will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. 

* Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little
Mothers Club.  All wishing to become little mothers, please see
the minister in his study. 

* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar. 

* The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the
ladies will start, and the rest of the congregation will join in.

* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the
cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the
new carpet will come forward and do so. 

* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind
and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday. 

* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
hall. Music will follow. 

* At the evening service tonight, the topic will be "What is
Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice. 

==============================================================

From  Thu Jun 24 13:50:18 1999 -0700
Subject: The Perfect Interviewee
Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 12:28:15 -0000
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 223

THE PERFECT INTERVIEWEE

From Canadian Business Magazine, September 1989:

Top executives of 100 major US corporations were asked: 'What is
the most unusual thing you're aware of happening during a job
interview?'  As the survey overview pointed out, it's "an extreme
understatement" that job applicants do not always act in their
own best interests.

Some survey highlights:

"He dozed off and started snoring during the interview."

"The candidate told me that her long-term career goal was to
replace me."

"Not only did he ignore the 'No Smoking' sign in my office, he
lit up the wrong end of sever filter-tip cigarettes."

"Said he was so well-qualified, if he didn't get the job, it
would prove that the company's management was incompetant."

"Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

"Brought her large dog to the interview."

"Chewed bubblegum and constantly blew bubbles."

"Candidate kept giggling throughout serious interview."

"She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music
at the same time."

"Balding candidate abruptly excused himself.  Returned to office
a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

"Job applicant challenged the interviewer to arm wrestle."

"Asked to see the _interviewer's_ resume to see if the personnel
executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

"Refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing
up."

"Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger
and French fries in the interviewer's office."

"Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during
the middle of the conversation."

"Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial
vice-president."

"Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by
having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

"Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering
specific interview questions."

==============================================================

From  Thu Jun 24 13:50:18 1999 -0700
Subject: Comedic Quotes...
Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 12:28:15 -0000
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 224

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it
as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
              -Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex.  Men just need a place.
              -Billy Crystal

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me
was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!'  I'm thinking, "I
should hope not!  If I don't want you, why would I want someone
like you?"
               -Larry Miller

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you
this look that says, "My God, you're right!  I never would've
thought of that!"
               -Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more
comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in
front of other women.  They say that women are too judgmental,
where, of course, men are just grateful.
               -Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house.  I don't know when I lost it.  I
don't know if I ever had it.  But I have seen the boss's job and
I do not want it.
               -Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder
Bra.  Is that really a problem in this country?  Men not paying
enough attention to women's breasts?
               -Jay Leno

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and
vehicle maintenance.
               -Tim Allen

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front
lines.  They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill.  I think
we can.  All the general has to do is walk over to the women and
say, "You see the enemy over there?  They say you look fat in
those uniforms,"
               -Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who
will choose your rest home.
               -Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis.  Doctors are reporting that many
men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms.  They say
they cause severe swelling.   So what's the problem?
                -Jay Leno

The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one
cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently,
they're going from semiautomatics to Uzis.
                -Conan O'Brien

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't
think there's a lot they don't know.  Women do.  Women want to
learn.  Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody
naked."
               -Jerry Seinfield

A survey says that American workers work the first three hours
every day just to pay their taxes.  So that's why we can't get
anything done in the morning: We're government workers!
               -Jay Leno

Electricity can be dangerous.  My nephew tried to stick a penny
into a plug.  Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him
shoot across that floor.  I told him he was grounded.
               -Tim Allen

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
               -George Carlin

That married couples can live together day after day is a
miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.
               -Bill Cosby

I am a marvelous housekeeper.  Every time I leave a man I keep
his house.
               -Zsa Zsa Gabor

When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my
ankle.  A little old lady had to help me across the street.
               -Steven Wright

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?"
And she said, "I don't  think this was good for anybody,"
               -Gary Shandling

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job.  But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have
fun with it.  At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong
house.
              -Jeff Foxworthy

==============================================================

From  Tue Jun 29 18:03:56 1999 -0700
Date: Sun, 27 Jun 1999 12:29:45
Subject: Dieting
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 225

Stress Diet
This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that
builds up during the day.

  BREAKFAST
  1/2 Grapefruit
  1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast - Dry
  8 oz Skim Milk
  ******
  LUNCH
  4 oz Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
  1 cup Steamed Spinach
  1 cup Herb Tea
  1 Oreo Cookie
  ******
  MIDAFTERNOON SNACK
  Rest of the Oreos in the Package
  2 Pints of Rocky Road Ice Cream
  1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
  Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream
  ******
  DINNER
  2 Loaves Garlic Bread with Cheese
  Large Sausage, Mushroom and Cheese Pizza
  4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
  3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars
  ******
  LATE EVENING NEWS
  Entire Frozen Cheesecake eaten directly from freezer
  ******
  RULES FOR THIS DIET
  1.  If you eat something and no-one sees you eat it, it has no
       calories.

  2.  If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in
      the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

  3.  When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if
      you don't eat more than they do.

  4.  Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot
       chocolate,  brandy toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

  5.  If you fatten up everyone else around you, you look
      thinner.

  6.  Cookie pieces contain no calories.  The process of baking
      causes calorie leakage.

  7.  Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if
      you are in the process of preparing something.
       Ex.:  Peanut Butter on a knife making a sandwich; ice
             cream on a spoon making a sundae.

  8.  Foods that have the same color have the same number of
      calories.
      Ex:  Spinach & Pistachio ice cream,  Mushrooms & White
      Chocolate.

NOTE:  Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for
any other food color.

==============================================================

From  Thu Jul  1 19:45:03 1999 -0700
Date: Sun, 27 Jun 1999 15:14:22
Subject: Darwin Award Winners (1995)
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 226

Copied from the Official Darwins Awards Page.   With all due
respect to the creators of that page, I ask that you take a visit
to their sight to "pay" for using their stories.   (Not sure if
this is copyright stuff or all that, that's why I am advertising
their page...)

             Official Darwin Awards & Simple Human Travesties
                  http://www.officialdarwinawards.com/

                       The 1995 Darwin Award Winner!

 The 1995 Darwin Award was given to a man crushed to death by a
Coke machine from which he was attempting to yank a free soda. So
why is this so unique? Apparently, according to police and
coroners reports, is that the gentlemen in question had about
$3.00 in change and about $25.00 in bills in his pocket.

                       The 1996 Darwin Award Winner!
                          Best and the brightest?

             Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety
             of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper
             crashed through a pane with his shoulder and
             plunged 24 floors to his death.

             A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell
             into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank
             Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining
             the strength of the building's windows to
             visiting law students.

             Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of
             window strength according to police reports.
             Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm
             Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun
             newspaper that Hoy was ``one of the best and
             brightest'' members of the 200-man association.
             Here is some additional info from a gentleman
             in Toronto on this brilliant Attorney.

                                 Runner-up

             Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being
             disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the
             clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed
             a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked
             out without paying for it.

             Police found him unconscious in front of the
             store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener
             from his throat, where it had choked him to
             death.

                       The 1997 Darwin Award Winner!
                         Come here putty-tat......

             Calcutta, India - A tiger killed one man and
             mauled another at the Calcutta zoo yesterday
             when they tried to put a marigold garland
             around its neck in a New Year's greeting.

             Prakesh Tiwari, the dead man, and Suresh Rai
             had been drinking before they bought the floral
             garlands and crossed the moat around the
             tiger's enclosure, authorities said.

             "I was shocked to see the two young men weaving
             about in front of a tiger with garlands in
             their hands," said Rakesh Banerjee, who
             witnessed the attack that triggered panic and a
             near stampede in the zoo.

             The men, both in their 20's, were trying to put
             the garland on a 13-year old male Royal Bengal
             tiger named "Shiva" after the Hindu god of
             destruction.

             When Rai threw the garland around Shiva's neck,
             the tiger attacked him. His friend Tiwari
             intervened, kicking the tiger in the face. The
             tiger released Rai, and attacked and killed
             Tiwari.

             "I saw it all; the tiger turned and jumped on
             the other young man and put its head on the
             man's neck, and within moments, the man was
             apparently dead, his head dangling, " Banerjee
             said.

                     Unknown originators observations

                     * Alcohol and tigers don't mix.
                     * Moats are placed around animal
                       enclosures not only to keep
                       dangerous animals in, but to
                       keep stupid people out.
                     * Shiva is an appropriate name for
                       a Royal Bengal tiger.
                     * Maybe Shiva was allergic to
                       marigolds.
                     * Moral of this story - kicking a
                       tiger, especially one named
                       after a god of destruction, in
                       the face will get you killed.
                     * This is definitely a Darwin
                       Award nominee.

                            Runner-up Number 1
                            Dumb Damm Amateurs!
             On February 3, 1990, a Renton (Seattle area)
             man tried to commit a robbery. This was
             probably his first attempt, as suggested by his
             lack of a record of violent crime, and by his
             terminally stupid choice:

               1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a
                  gunshop;
               2. The shop was full of customers, in a state
                  where a substantial fraction of the adult
                  population is licensed to carry concealed
                  handguns in public places;
               3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a
                  marked King County Police patrol car
                  parked at the front door;
               4. An officer in uniform was standing next to
                  the counter, having coffee before
                  reporting to duty.

             Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
             announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots.

             The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire,
             removing him from the gene pool.

             Several other customers also drew their guns,
             but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.

             This happened February 4, 1990.

             The robber, David Zaback, 33, died in the
             hospital a few hours after the shooting. His
             family said he suffered from a mental disorder
             that caused him to be irrational at times.

             The officer was Timothy Lally, 49, an 18-year
             veteran of the force.

             The clerk was Danny Morris.

             UPDATE:

             The story does not note that the police
             officer, a long time revolver shooter, fired
             his Glock semi-automatic pistol "revolver
             style" out of panic and/or lack of familiarity
             with his sidearm. This resulted in the slide of
             the pistol slamming into and injuring his
             thumb, and preventing the pistol from loading
             the next cartridge... effectively rendering the
             gun useless. Had the clerk not fatally shot the
             perpetrator, the officer would have likely been
             killed by his lack of preparedness.

             My source? I was employed there shortly after
             the incident.

                            Runner-up Number 2
                            Binky 2, Humans 0
             The story is as follows...

             Alaska -- Back in the summer of 1992 at the
             Anchorage Zoo, an Australian tourist decided
             she wanted to get a picture taken of her right
             next to the cage of the Polar Bear, Binky. This
             has made national news, even world news, when
             Binky struck out and grabbed her, mauling the
             tourist's leg and capturing her tennis shoes.
             But the incident that happened shortly after
             that did not get publicized as much. And
             qualifies for the Darwin Awards.

             Within a couple of weeks afterwards...

             As far as the two boys are concerned, they live
             in the Hilltop area of Anchorage (near the zoo)
             they reportedly decided to take a swim in
             Binkys pool. They squeezed through the 2 fences
             around Binkys cage, climbed over the bars, and
             stripped down, too inebriated to notice that
             the safety doors to Binkys lair (the ones they
             close to allow zoo personel safe access to
             Binkys cage) were open. Binky hears splashing,
             Binky wakes up, Binky takes chomp out of
             not-too-bright teen. In the process of being
             mauled the teenager's penis was detached. It
             was never found. Reconstructive surgery was
             required for urinary functions.

             And finally, there are NO sirens, lights, or
             increased security around Binkys cage. Sadly,
             Binky (and his roommate) died several months
             later of a bacterial infection. Although the
             Alaska Zoo is planning on aquiring more, they
             are investing in a large, fully enclosed
             environment that is supposedly Darwin award
             winner-proof.


                 The 1997 Stupid Human Travesties Winner!
                            Theft using a taxi.

             "What is the modern world coming to when a gang
             of thieves arrive at the place they are going
             to rob in a taxi?" Justice Morris asked the
             defendants in a robbery case at the Auckland
             High court. "I despair of the future for our
             country when a group of louts like you lack the
             intelligence to take even basic precautions to
             avoid detection."

             Before sentencing Singeli Senivuga and Veileba
             Jobesa (two illegal Fijian immigrants) for
             their part in the robbery of 5 protective
             helmets and 400 puncture repair kits from a Mt
             Eden bicycle shop, Justice Morris continued:
             "It has been put to me that the reason you were
             so easily apprehended after the robbery was
             that you had no getaway car. According to your
             defence counsel, that is because you forgot to
             ask the taxi to wait for you while you
             committed the crime. But even more stupidly,
             you had telephoned the taxi service in the
             first place and asked to be picked up at your
             home, so even if you had got away it would have
             been a simple matter to locate and arrest you
             later."

             The judge then added: "Why couldn't you steal a
             car beforehand, like everybody else? You tell
             me it's because you don't have licences, but I
             preside daily over case involving professional
             criminals who don't care about such trivial
             matters. You are imbeciles. I hereby sentence
             you both to five years imprisonment."

                            Runner-up Number 1
              Robber's Booty Explodes In His Pants When Beach
                         Bank's Dye Bomb Explodes

             VIRGINIA BEACH - Police are searching for an
             embarrassed bank robber who was hurt Tuesday
             morning after a dye pack exploded in his pants
             and burned a hole through his fly.

             Witnesses last saw the man strip to his boxer
             shorts on Pacific Avenue and run away, leaving
             the money and his smoldering pants behind. The
             robbery happened around 11:30 a.m. at Life
             Savings Bank near 38th STreet and Pacific
             Avenue. Police spokesman Mike Carey said this
             is what happened:

             The man gave a bank teller a plastic Food Lion
             grocery bag and demanded "all the money in the
             bank." The teller filled the bag with money and
             an explosive dye pack that burns at about 400
             degrees when activated. The robber stuffed the
             bag down the front of his pants and ran from
             the bank. Carey said witnesses then saw "an
             explosion taking place inside his pants. He was
             seen hopping and jumping around." The hot dye
             pack seared through the crotch of the robber's
             jeans. Police confiscated the robber's pants
             but have not yet caught the robber.

             "He's probably sitting around with an ice pack
             in his lap," Carey said. "That is, if he hasn't
             sought medical attention" Police alerted area
             hospitals to be on the lookout for a man
             complaining of crotch burns. Investigators also
             asked the public's help in finding the robber.
             The suspect may be stained with bright red dye.

             "If he has the on his, uh, shall we say,
             'person', it will be there for several days,"
             Carey said.

                            Runner-up Number 1
                        If you're going to steal...
             {Ed Note: Recently found a confirming article
             thanks to you our readers.}

             This is a true story according to a recent
             issue of Road and Track Magazine: When a man
             attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome
             parked on a Seattle street, he got much more
             than he bargained for. Police arrived at the
             scene to find an ill man curled up next to a
             motorhome near spilled sewage. a police
             spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
             to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the
             motorhome`s sewage tank by mistake. The owner
             of the vehicle declined to press charges,
             saying that it was the best laugh he's ever
             had.

==============================================================

From  Fri Jun 25 07:04:55 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999 08:46:24 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Summer training courses for men 
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 227

Training Courses Now Available for Men
     
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
     
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
     
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
     
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
     
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN
Tell the Difference!
     
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
     
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the
Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
     
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
     
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
     
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that
the Electronics Came In
     
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the
Sink
     
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
     
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're
About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
     
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis
to the Goodwill
     
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester
Shirts
     
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations
of Your Kitchenware
     
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
     
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down
and Ten" Means
     
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
     
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't
fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
     
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
     
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women
laugh
     
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
     
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
     
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
     
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
     
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
     
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
     
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools
 Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

==============================================================

From  Tue Jun 29 18:04:14 1999 -0700
Date: Sun, 27 Jun 1999 12:36:52
Subject: "Important Things I've Learned From Kids"
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 228

"Important Things I've Learned From Kids"
 (author unknown):
 
 1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.
 
 2. If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
 
 3. Ask why until you understand.
 
 4. Hang on tight.
 
 5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten
    anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better
    off than the worm.

 6. Make up the rules as you go along.
 
 7. It doesn't matter who started it.
 
 8. Ask for sprinkles.
 
 9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a
    dog.
 
10. Save a place in line for your friends.
 
11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished
    studying.
 
12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
 
13. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
 
14. Making your bed is a waste of time.
 
15. There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
 
16. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had
    to.

17. You work so hard pedaling up the hill that you hate to brake
    on the way down.

18. You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the
    game.

==============================================================

From  Wed Jun 30 19:46:50 1999 -0700
Date: Sun, 27 Jun 1999 12:52:10
Subject: What you learn from kids
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 229

There is no such thing as child-proofing you house.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades they can ignite

A 4 years olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Pound Puppy
underwear and a Superman cape, -- it is strong enough however, to
spread paint patterns on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using a ceiling fan as a bat you have throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling
fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words uh-oh it is already
too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke and lots of it

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36 year old man says they can only do it in movies

A magnifying glass can also light a fire on an overcast day

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes
it does not leak-- it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 4,000 square
foot house 2 inches deep.

If you jump off a three foot railing even in a pail you can still
get hurt.

Legos will pass through the digestive track of a four year old.
Duplos will not.  

Play Dough and microwave should never be said in the same
sentence.

Super Glue is...forever

Super Glue remover... does not.

McGyver can teach us things we don't want to know.

Ditto Tarzan

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a pool you still can not
walk on top of the water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR's do not eject PB & J sandwiches.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes from roofs or trees.

Marbles in the gas tank make lots of noise when driving.

Things can live and thrive in backpacks.

You do not want to know what that odor is.

There is no such thing as socks with no bumps.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

The fire department in our town has a three and a half minute
response time.

You should never do a Science Fair projects with out telling your
parents.

Some Science projects can be dangerous.

Some science projects you do not want to know about.

The spin cycle in the washing machine does not make Earthworms
dizzy.

If you laugh while you are yelling no one is scared

Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

I also have learned that paint can fix lots of things,
understanding repair men give frequent flyer miles and a sense of
humor will get you through a lot of things nothing else can.

==============================================================

From  Mon Jun 28 14:28:55 1999 -0700
Date: Mon, 28 Jun 1999 13:10:45 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Affordances and critical thinking... 
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 230

Some time ago I received a call from a colleague, who asked if I
would be the referee on the grading of an examination question. 
He was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics
question, while the student claimed he should receive a perfect
score and would if the system were not set up against the
student.

The instructor and the student agreed to an impartial arbiter,
and I was selected.  I went to my colleague's office and read the
examination question:

"Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall
building with the aid of a barometer." 

The student had answered:

"Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long
rope to it, lower it to the street, and then bring it up,
measuring the length of the rope.  The length of the rope is the
height of the building." 

I pointed out that the student really had a strong case for full
credit since he had really answered the question completely and
correctly.  On the other hand, if full credit were given, it
could well contribute to a high grade in his physics course.  A
high grade is supposed to certify competence in physics, but the
answer did not confirm this.

I suggested that the student have another try at answering the
question. I was not surprised that my colleague agreed, but I was
surprised when the student did.  I gave the student six minutes
to answer the question with the warning that the answer should
show some knowledge of physics.

At the end of five minutes, he had not written anything. I asked
if he wished to give up, but he said no. He had many answers to
this problem; he was just thinking of the best one.  I excused
myself for interrupting him and asked him to please go on. 

In the next minute, he dashed off his answer which read:

"Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the
edge of the roof.  Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a
stopwatch.  Then, using the formula x=0.5*a*t^^2, calculate the
height of the building."

At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He
conceded, and gave the student almost full credit. In leaving my
colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said that he
had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were.

"Well," said the student. "there are many ways of getting the
height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer. For
example , you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and
measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow,
and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of
simple proportion, determine the height of the building."

"Fine," I said, "and others?"

"Yes," said the student.  "There is a very basic measurement
method you will like.  In this method, you take the barometer and
begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark
off the length of the barometer along the wall.  You then count
the number of marks, and this will give you the height of
the building in barometer units."  A very direct method.

"Of course. If you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie
the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and
determine the value of g at the street level and at the top of
the building.  From the difference between the two values of g,
the height of the building, in principle, can be calculated." 

"On this same tact, you could take the barometer to the top of
the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to just above
the street, and then swing it as a pendulum.  You could then
calculate the height of the building by the period of the
precession".

"Finally," he concluded, "there are many other ways of solving
the problem.  Probably the best," he said, "is to take the
barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent's door.

When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows:
'Mr. Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell
me the height of the building, I will give you this barometer.'"

At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the
conventional answer to this question.  He admitted that he did,
but said that he was fed up with high school and college
instructors trying to teach him how to think.

The student was Niels Bohr and the arbiter Rutherford... 

______________________________________________________________
 
I may not look like I'm doing anything, but at the cellular
level, I'm really quite busy.

==============================================================

From  Fri Jul  2 19:57:20 1999 -0700
Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1999 16:15:38
Subject: Rejected Name for a Military Campaign
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 231

      The Top 12 Rejected Names for Military Campaigns

12 Operation Attack at 3:30 a.m. Sharp From the Western Flank

11 Operation Spank Another Dictator We've Been Propping Up For
    Years

10 Operation Shop in Milan and Paris While On Leave

 9 Operation I Know You Are But What Am I

 8 Operation Do These Fatigues Make My Butt Look Big?

 7 Operation Butterfly Kisses

 6 Bombapalooza

 5 Operation Don't. Make. Mommy. Have. To. Tell. You. Again!

 4 Operation Noogie Patrol

 3 Operation What the Hell Kind of Name is "Wolf Blitzer" Anyway

 2 Operation Poopoo Butt


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rejected Name for a Military
Campaign...


 1 Operation Remove Bread Basket


[         This list copyright 1999 by Chris White             ]
[ Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner    ]
[  without crediting "The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com"      ]

==============================================================

From  Mon Jul  5 01:42:08 1999 -0700
Date: Thu, 01 Jul 1999 18:44:01
Subject: Time
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 232

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and
civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the
control tower in the middle.  One day the tower received a call
from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" 

The tower responded,   "Who is calling?" 

The aircraft replied,   "What difference does it make?" 

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.   If it is an
American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock.   If it is an Air
Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is
6 bells.  If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12
and the little hand is on the  3.  If it is a Marine Corps
aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

==============================================================

From  Mon Aug 16 20:46:43 1999 -0700
Subject:  just something silly
Date: Mon, 16 Aug 1999 22:26:02 -0400
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 233

AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently
discovered by
materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element,tentatively
named
Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an
atomic weight
of 0.
However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice
neutrons,
and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of
312. These
312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that
involves the
continuous exchange of particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert.
However, it can
be detected chemically, since it impedes every action it comes
into contact
with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium
caused one
reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction
time is
less than one second. Administratium has a normal half life of
approximately
three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but
instead undergoes
a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant
vice
neutrons exchange places.
Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after
each
reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium
occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain
points, such
as governmental agencies, large corporations, universities, and
school
districts. It is always found in the newest, best appointed and
best
maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at
any level
of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions
where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how
Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage,
but results
to date are not promising.

From  Sun Jul  4 23:35:14 1999 -0700
Subject: Cute one.
Date: Sun, 4 Jul 1999 22:12:39 -0000
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 234

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a
Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane when the plane
developed engine trouble.  In spite of the best efforts of the
pilot, the plane started to go down.

The pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they
had better jump, and bailed out.  Unfortunately there were only
three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said, "I'm a doctor!  I save lives, so
I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm the smartest man in the world, I
deserve to live!"  He grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived
a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life
ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said,
"Don't worry, Father.  The smartest man in the world just took
off with my backpack."

==============================================================

From  Mon Jul  5 01:42:25 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 02 Jul 1999 17:57:05
Subject: Funny Signs
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 235

 1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove 
    all your clothes when the light goes out.
 
 2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
 
 3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder
    yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be
    taken.
 
 4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty
    the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
 
 5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all
    by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft.
    Please use side entrance)
 
 6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles,
    washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a
    wonderful bargain.
 
 7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point
    will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
 
 8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their
    garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
 
 9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
 
10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
 
11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and
    doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
 
12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the
    field for free, but the bull charges.
 
13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will
    tell you how to get lessons.
 
14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock
    hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
 
15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out 
    of order. Please use floor below.

==============================================================

From  Mon Jun 28 23:14:06 1999 -0700
Date: Mon, 28 Jun 1999 21:51:08 -0700
Subject: hmmm
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 236

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic
Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and
labs, etc., that each had, up to that point, an "A" for the
semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend
before finals, they decided to go up to University of Virginia
and party with some friends up there.  They had a great time;
however, after all the hardy partying, they slept all day
Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday
morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their
professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. 
They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the
plan to come back to study but, unfortunately, they had a flat
tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help
for a long time.  As a result, they had missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up
the final the following day.  The guys were elated and relieved. 
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the
professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and
handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.  They
looked at the first problem, worth 5 points, something simple
about free radical formation.  "Cool," they thought at the same
time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second
page was written: "(For 95 points):

Which tire was flat?"

==============================================================

From  Mon Jul  5 01:42:34 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 02 Jul 1999 17:48:17
Subject: Mafia Mayor
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 237

 The Top 11 Signs Your Town's Mayor has Mob Connections


 [  The Top 5 List   www.topfive.com  ]
 [   Copyright 1999 by Chris White]


11 Heroic deeds earn you the Brass Knuckles to the City.

10 He refers to taxes as "the vig."

 9 Unique budget has neighboring towns paying a "horizon use"
    tax.

 8 Mayor McCheese's real name: Formaggiano

 7 Department of Sanitation accepts bodies every other
    Wednesday.

 6 He appeared in The Godfather as "Himself."

 5 Jury duty replaced by "mayor's car starter" duty.

 4 Creates a Relocated Witness Exposure program.

 3 Parking meters replaced with little slot machines. 
    ("Two cherries and an orange -- we have 30 minutes.")

 2 Let that parking meter expire and you'll find a horse's head
    wedged under your windshield wiper.


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Town's 
   Mayor has Mob Connections...


 1 Sanitation Department makes you an offer to can your refuse.

==============================================================

From  Mon Jul  5 01:43:09 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 02 Jul 1999 18:00:17
Subject: Praying for Ryan
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 238

[  Copyright 1999 by Chris White   ]

  July 2, 1999

  -=+=-

A friend of mine has four boys and a little girl.  They range in
age from 7 to four months.  One time, I was watching the four
boys and it was time for bed. Ryan, who is four, really didn't
like the idea of going to bed, so I let him stay up a while. 
Finally, I decided that this child had to get to bed or he would
be an absolute grump the next day.  

I took him into his room, put him in bed, and sat on the edge of
the bed with him.  I asked him if it would help if we said a 
prayer, and he said yes.  I asked him if *he* wanted to say the 
prayer, and he said "No, Kendra, you know how to pray, I don't 
need to show you."  I got a chuckle out of that, so I said the 
prayer, saying something like, "Dear God, thank you for this
day.

Thank you for all our blessings, please watch over all of us as 
we sleep.  Please look over Christopher, Adam, Ryan, Zachary, 
Elizabeth, Mommy and Daddy..."  

Ryan suddenly inturrupted by tapping me on the shoulder.  He sat
up and said in all seriousness, "We don't pray for old people!"

==============================================================

From  Thu Jul  1 01:06:33 1999 -0700
Subject: Eye yi yi...
Date: Wed, 30 Jun 1999 23:49:12 -0700
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 239

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there
is a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table.
He has been checking her out all night, but lacks
the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes
and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket
towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches
it out of the air.

"Oh my god, I am sooo sorry," the woman says, as
she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you
dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a
wonderful dinner together and afterwards the
woman invites him to the theater followed by
drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him
if he would like to come to breakfast the next morning.
When he arrives the next morning, she has cooked a
gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!

"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice
to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replies.........

"You just happened to catch my eye."

==============================================================

From  Tue Jul  6 19:52:33 1999 -0700
Date: Tue, 06 Jul 1999 18:18:19
Subject: Why Dogs Can't Use Computers
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 240

                        NOTE FROM CHRIS:
                        
                Today's list is a Top5 Classic,
             originally published on July 24, 1996.
            This particular list is one of the most
            forwarded/copied/stolen in Top5 history.


          The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers
 

             [  The Top 5 List    www.topfive.com  ]
             [ Copyright 1996, 1999 by Chris White ]


20 Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

19 Fetch command not available on all platforms.

18 Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

17 Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

16 Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've
    Got Mail."

15 Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

14 Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing
    www.pethouse.com instead of working.

13 Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

12 Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

11 Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies
    tail-wagging.

10 Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft
    Opposable Thumb.

 9 Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

 8 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS!  Now, cats, on the other hand...

 7 Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition
    software.

 6 SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

 5 SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the
    question!

 4 Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.

 3 Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.

 2 Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat
    rooms.



  and Topfive.com's Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...


 1 TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *

==============================================================

From  Wed Jul  7 17:38:15 1999 -0700
Date: Wed, 07 Jul 1999 16:23:12
Subject: First communion
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 241

    [  Copyright 1999 by Chris White   topfive.com  ]

                          July 7, 1999

                              -=+=-

When my brother, Ted, was about two years old, my parents took
him to his first communion.  Before the service, my mom explained
to him that everything would be really quiet, and one by one,
the people would go to the front of the church.  There, she told
him, each person would eat a little cracker and drink a little
grape juice.  She carefully explained to Ted what the little
cracker and the juice represented.

With fingers crossed, my parents led Ted into the church.  He
promptly broke away from them, ran half-way down an aisle and 
yelled, "WHAR'S DA KOOL-AID?!?"

==============================================================

From  Mon Jul  5 10:30:32 1999 -0700
Date: Mon, 5 Jul 1999 09:11:28 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Jokes 
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 242

In the hospital, The relatives gathered in the waiting room, 
where their family member lay gravely ill.  Finally, the doctor
came in looking tired and somber. 

I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news." he said as he 
surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for
your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
 
It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you 
will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" 

The doctor quickly responded, "$200 for a female brain, and 
$500 for a male brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, 
avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually
smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out 
the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain
so much more?"

The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then to the 
entire group said, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We
have to mark the female brains down, because they're used." 

==============================================================

From  Wed Jul  7 22:07:22 1999 -0700
Date: Wed, 07 Jul 1999 20:51:00
Subject: Rejected las Vegas Hotel Themes
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 243

           The Top 15 Rejected Las Vegas Hotel Themes

15 Hiroshima!

14 Circus Freaks, Circus Freaks

13 Little Calcutta: "We'll treat you like cattle!"

12 La Casino Nostra

11 New Delhi, New Delhi -- "Where poverty awaits you"

10 Burt Baccarat's

 9 Amishtown!

 8 Germany in the Forties

 7 I Can't Believe It's Not Branson!

 6 Pete Rose's Hall of Fame Casino

 5 Little Caesar's Palace -- "Gamble! Gamble!"

 4 The LaBrea Tar Pit -- "You just can't leave!"

 3 Joseph Smith's Mormonmania

 2 Seizures Palace -- "A tongue-swallowing good time!"

 and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rejected Las Vegas Hotel Theme...

 1 The Full Monty Carlo

==============================================================

From  Thu Jul  8 23:15:56 1999 -0700
Date: Thu, 08 Jul 1999 21:58:35
Subject: New Words
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 244

The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some
recent winners:

REINTARNATION: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

FOREPLOY: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
obtaining sex.

GIRAFFITI: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . .

TATYR: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.

SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
recipient who doesn't get it.

INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.

HIPATITIS: Terminal coolness.

OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate disease.

BURGLESQUE: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)

KARMAGEDDON: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and
it's like a serious bummer.

GLIBIDO: All talk and no action.

DOPELER EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

INTAXICATION: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which
lasts until  you realize it was your money to start with. 

==============================================================

From  Fri Aug 20 21:08:48 1999 -0700
Date: Thu, 19 Aug 1999 16:06:54 -0400
Subject: Choppy Skies over Zimbabwe
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 245

This is a true story published in the Chicago Tribune "Travel"
section for Sunday, June 6, 1999, in a story entitled "Choppy
Skies - A white-knuckle flight on Air Zimbabwe" by Gaby Plattner.


It seems that Plattner was traveling with a backpacking group
through Africa as they found themselves waiting in Kariba airport
for a flight to Hwange . . .
 
Our flight was delayed, so we settled down to wait. And wait.
Three hours later, we were finally told the plane was ready to
board. Air Zimbabwe bought many of its planes second-hand from
other airlines, and the one we got into was no exception. Dirty
and ancient, the mid-size jetliner was clearly one that no one
else had wanted.  Inside, we settled into the seats with 80 or 90
other passengers and waited. And waited some more.

Finally, the pilot's voice came over the loudspeaker.  "We're all
ready to go ladies and gentlemen. However, we've been waiting for
the copilot, and he still hasn't arrived. Since we've already
waited so long, we're just going to be flying without a copilot
today."  There was a nervous buzz through the cabin.  

He continued, 'If any of you feel uncomfortable with this, feel
free to disembark now and Air Zimbabwe will put you on the next
available flight to Hwange.' Here he paused.  'Unfortunately, we
are not sure when that will be.  But rest assured, I have flown
this route hundreds of times, we have clear blue skies, and
there are no foreseeable problems.'  No one in Plattner's group,
doubtful as they might have been, wanted to wait any longer at
Kariba for a plane that may or may not materialize, so they
stayed onboard for the one-hour flight. 

Once the aircraft reached cruising altitude, the pilot came on
the loudspeaker again 'Ladies and gentlemen. I am going to use
the bathroom. I have put the plane on auto-pilot and everything
will be fine. I just don't want you to worry.'  That said, he
came out of the cockpit, fastened the door open with a rubber
band to a hook on the wall.  Then he went to the bathroom. 

Plattner continues: Suddenly, we hit a patch of turbulence.
Nothing much, the cabin just shook a little for a moment. But the
rubber band snapped off with a loud 'ping!' and went sailing down
the aisle.  The door promptly swung shut. A moment later, the
pilot came out of the bathroom.  When he saw the closed door, he
stopped cold. I watched him from the back and wondered what was
wrong.  The stewardess came running up, and together they both
tried to open the door. But it wouldn't budge.  

It slowly dawned on me that our pilot was locked out of the
cockpit.  Cockpit doors lock automatically from the inside to
prevent terrorists from entering.  Without a copilot, there
was no one to open the door from the inside. By now, the rest of
the passengers had become aware of the problem, and we watched
the pilot, horrified. What would he do?  After a moment of
contemplation, the pilot hurried to the back of the plane. He
returned holding a big axe. 

Without ceremony, he proceeded to chop down the cockpit door. We
were rooted to our seats as we watched him.  Once he managed to
chop a hole in the door, he reached inside, unlocked the door,
and let himself back in. Then he came on the loudspeaker, his
voice a little shakier this time than before. 

'Ah, ladies and gentlemen, we just had a little problem there,
but everything is fine now.  We have plans to cover every
eventuality, even pilots getting locked out of their cockpits. So
relax and enjoy the rest of the flight!

==============================================================

From  Fri Jul  9 19:57:34 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 09 Jul 1999 18:06:42
Subject: Professor's Clone
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 246

A certain university professor has finally perfected the art of
cloning and to unveil his most prestigious work he has taken
cells from his own body and created a perfect clone of himself.

He calls a press conference.  All the top scientist and
scientific journalist attend.  He describes the extent of his
work and at the proper moment he introduces his clone from behind
the curtain. The crowd is astonished.  He is the mirror image of
the professor. He's even dressed the same.  The clone comes
forward to the podium and the professor allows him to speak for a
few minutes.  But, quickly the clone becomes abusive and starts
spewing obscenities one right after the other.  The professor is
terribly embarrassed and tries to intervene.  But, a fight breaks
out between the two which quickly moves off the stand and into
the crowd.

The professor starts to get the upper-hand on his clone and in
one last knock out punch he sends the clone flying back against
the window which breaks.  The clone falls ten stories to his
death.

The audience is dumbstruck.  The police rush in and promptly
arrest the professor.  The charges:  Making an obscene clone
fall.

==============================================================

From  Sun Jul 11 20:51:10 1999 -0700
Date: Fri, 09 Jul 1999 18:31:22
Subject: Jokes
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 247

 ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES / ADS:
One man, Seven woman hot tub -- $850/offer

Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.

Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days.

Free puppies...part German Shepherd & part dog

Two wire mesh butchering gloves, One 5-finger, One 3-finger,
pair:$15

Tickle Me Elmo Doll. New in box. Hardly tickled. $700

Black face cows, calves...also 1 gay bull for sale.

'83 Toyota hunchback...$2000

Do something special for your valentine...have your septic tank
pumped.

Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel...1/2 sneaky neighbor dog

Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.

Soft and genital bath tissues or facial tissue - 89 cents

German shephard. 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Full sized mattress. 20 yr warranty. Like new. Slight urine
smell.

Free 1 can of pork and beans with purchase of 3 Bedroom 2 bath
home.

For sale: Lee Majors (6 million dollar man) - $50

Charmin Ultra Bathroom Tissue -- boneless

Nordic track $300 - hardly used - call Chubbie at:

Bill's septic cleaning - 'we haul American made products'

Shakespeare's Pizza - free chopsticks

Hummels - largest selection ever - 'if it's in stock, we have
it!'

Get a Little John - the traveling urinal - holds 2 1/2 bottles of
beer.

President's Choice - cow manure - Two 33 lb bags - $5

Harrisburg postal employees gun club

Georgia peaches - California grown - 89 cents lb.

Cute kitten for sale, Two cents or best offer

Nice parachute - never opened - used once - slightly stained

Whirlpool built in oven -- frost free!

'93 Pontiac Lemons - low miles

Free: farm kittens. Ready to eat.

Frozen soft and gentle bath tissue - 4 rolls 99 cents

American flag - 60 stars - pole included - $100

Kittens 8 weeks old - seeking good Christian home.

Found: dirty white dog...looks like a rat...been out
awhile...better be a reward.

The most romantic love songs of the '50s: including '16 tons' by
Tennessee Ernie Ford

Joining nudist colony, must sell washer and dryer - $300.

Lawyer says client is not that guilty.

Alzheimer's center prepares for an affair to remember

Exercise equipment queen size mattress and box spring - $175.

Our sofa seats the whole mob - and it's made of 100% Italian
leather.

------------------------

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital
had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out
of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and
called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate
that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you
saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied.
"I hung him up to dry."

------------------------

America's inmates don't give up. Disappointed by the criminal
justice system, this plucky lot still has faith in the civil
side. Last year, the states spent $81 million defending what
state attorneys general called frivolous lawsuits. Here are a
few favorites:

* A Virginia inmate tried to sue himself for $5 million on the
grounds that he had gotten drunk and caused himself to violate
his religious beliefs by committing a crime. Because he had no
money, he wanted the state to pay the $5 million.

* A convicted New York rapist sued the state, claiming he lost
sleep and suffered headaches and chest pains after being given a
"defective haircut" by an unqualified barber in prison.

* A Nevada inmate sued when he ordered two jars of chunky peanut
butter at the Nevada State Prison canteen and received one chunky
and one creamy.

* A San Quentin death row inmate sued California, claiming his
civil rights were violated because his packages were sent via UPS
rather than the U.S. Postal Service.

* An Oklahoma inmate alleged his religious freedoms were
violated but could not say just how, because the main tenet of
his faith was that all its practices were secret.

* An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a pizza
party that prison employees held for a guard leaving his job.

* An Indiana prisoner sued because he wanted to obtain Rogaine
for his baldness.

* An Ohio inmate sued for being denied possession of soap on a
rope.

* An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to
country music every day.

* A Colorado con sued for early release because "everyone knows
a con only serves about 3 years of a 10-year sentence."

* A Maryland female inmate sued and won on the issue of male
guards observing the women showering.

* A Federal prisoner in Texas filed a "class action" lawsuit in
 Federal court alleging inmates were forced to work at hourly
wages of under 30 cents, and were refused permission to form a
trade union and/or strike for minimum wages under Federal law.
(case is still pending)

==============================================================

From  Mon Jul  5 12:03:12 1999 -0700
Subject: Last minutes on Earth
Date: Mon, 5 Jul 1999 10:40:29 -0000
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 248

In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe
storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse
when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular
loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

"I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if
I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be
memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has
ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is
there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own
peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in
front of the plane.

Then, an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can
make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall,
built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he
starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one
button at a time.

No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger
approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his
chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to
the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this...."

**************************************************************

From  Sun Jul 11 20:52:12 1999 -0700
Date: Sun, 11 Jul 1999 14:58:09
Subject: Exam
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 249

Final Exam
 
The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life
science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper.
The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." 
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came
into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
 
2. Cats can't steal it.
 
3. Available whenever necessary.
 
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part
answer. Again, what to write?  Once more, he sighed. He frowned.
He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He
grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive
answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

==============================================================

From  Mon Jul 12 18:32:48 1999 -0700
Date: Mon, 12 Jul 1999 17:18:02
Subject: Bullshit Bingo
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 250

Bullshit Bingo:

Tired of sitting in boring meetings, called by boring bosses. 
Try this new way to pass the time, and stay alert.

Simply tick off the phrases found on this list... first one to
tick off five yells "BullShit Bingo" and is declared the winner.

Set up wagering pool befofehand, and you'll be surprised...

 SYNERGY
 PROACTIVE, NOT REACTIVE
 WIN-WIN SITUATION
 THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX
 TAKE THAT OFFLINE
 ON THE SAME PAGE
 CLIENT-FOCUSED
 STRATEGIC FIT
 GAP ANALYSIS
 BEST PRACTICE
 THE BOTTOM LINE
 CORE BUSINESS
 LESSONS LEARNED
 TOUCH BASE
 REVISIT
 GAME PLAN
 BANDWIDTH
 HARDBALL
 OUT OF THE LOOP
 GO THE EXTRA MILE
 BENCHMARK
 THE BIG PICTURE
 VALUE-ADDED
 MOVERS AND SHAKERS
 BALL PARK
 FAST TRACK
 RESULT-DRIVEN
 EMPOWER EMPLOYEES
 NO BLAME
 STRETCH THE ENVELOPE
 KNOWLEDGE BASE
 RESULTS-DRIVEN
 TOTAL QUALITY
 SLIPPERY SLIDE
 TICKS IN BOXES
 MINDSET
 KNOCK-ON EFFECT
 PUT THIS ONE TO BED
 QUALITY- DRIVEN
 MOVE THE GOAL POSTS

 TESTIMONIALS FROM OTHER PLAYERS:

 "I HAD ONLY BEEN IN THE MEETING FOR FIVE MINUTES WHEN
 I YELLED BINGO."

 "MY ATTENTION SPAN AT MEETINGS HAS IMPROVED
 DRAMATICALLY."

 "IT'S A BREEZE, MEETINGS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME FOR ME
 AFTER  MY FIRST OUTRIGHT WIN."

 "THE ATMOSPHERE WAS TENSE AT THE LAST PROCESS WORKSHOP
 AS 32 OF US LISTENED INTENTLY FOR THE ELUSIVE 5TH."

 "THE FACILITATOR WAS GOBSMACKED AS WE ALL SCREAMED
 BINGO FOR THE 3RD TIME IN 2 HOURS."

 "I FEEL THAT THE GAME HAS ENHANCED THE OVERALL QUALITY
 OF MEETINGS PER SE ON A QUID PRO QUO BASIS."

 "PEOPLE ARE NOW EVEN LISTENING TO MUMBLERS, THANKS TO
 BULLSHIT BINGO."

 "BONZAI! YOU COULD HAVE CUT THE ATMOSPHERE WITH A
 CRICKET STUMP AS WE WAITED FOR THE 5TH DELIVERY."

==============================================================

From  Mon Jul  5 12:03:12 1999 -0700
Subject: Contractual obligations
Date: Mon, 5 Jul 1999 10:40:29 -0000
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 251

Complaining About Payment

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that
was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the
owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.
"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaid you two
hundred dollars, and you never complained."

The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake.
But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your
attention.

==============================================================

From  Wed Jul 14 01:03:34 1999 -0700
Date: Tue, 13 Jul 1999 23:46:43
Subject: Blind Man
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 252

  A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye
  dog one day.  They come to a busy intersection, and the dog,
  ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street,
  leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic.
  This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as
  panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

  The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the
  sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man
  pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the
  dog.  A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident,
  can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why
  on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie?  He nearly
  got you killed!"

  The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies,
  "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass." 

==============================================================

From  Wed Jul 14 01:03:46 1999 -0700
Date: Tue, 13 Jul 1999 23:48:27
Subject: Hidden Hospital Charges
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 253

               The Top 12 Hidden Hospital Bill Charges


             [  The Top 5 List   www.topfive.com  ]
             [   Copyright 1999 by Chris White    ]



12 I.V. bottle deposit in OR, VT, and MA:  $3

11 Bill preparation and printing:  $30

10 Polysylabbic Obfuscation Redisintermediation:  $275

 9 Three-second smirk from George Clooney:  $8000

 8 Bedpan Refrigeration:  $48.00

 7 Unspecified Aroma:  $83

 6 Upgrade to hourly sponge baths:  $197/day 
          
 5 Wheelchair Damage Collision Insurance:  $39.25

 4 Surgeon's Daughter's Preparatory School Tuition, Kaplan SAT
    Course, and DKNY Wardrobe Surcharge:  $2500

 3 Psychologist's fees for nursing staff after you put your 
    gown on backwards and went "visiting":  $400

 2 Donation to the Fund to Rehire Mandy Patinkin:  $3000


    and Topfive.com's Number 1 Hidden Hospital Bill Charge...


 1 Lost forceps:  $35.00
    Knowing where the surgeon lost the forceps:  Priceless

==============================================================

From  Tue Jul  6 11:31:07 1999 -0700
Subject: From my new international source
Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 10:08:15 -0000
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 254

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along,
when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.
The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby.  "Now do you
see why it's important to learn a foreign language?" 

--------------------------------------------

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop
where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous francais?" The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response,
"Hablan ustedes espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know,
maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other. "That bloke knew four languages,
and it didn't do him any good!"

--------------------------------------------------------------

From  Wed Jul 14 19:54:44 1999 -0700
Date: Wed, 14 Jul 1999 18:35:40
Subject: Perfect Man
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 255

What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)
-----------------------------------
1.  Handsome
2.  Charming
3.  Financially Successful
4.  A Caring Listener
5.  Witty
6.  In Good Shape
7.  Dresses with Style
8.  Appreciates the Finer Things
9.  Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
 
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)
----------------------------------
1.  Not too ugly
2.  Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3.  Works steady
4.  Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
5.  Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6.  Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7.  Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8.  Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9.  Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends

==============================================================

From  Wed Jul 14 19:55:17 1999 -0700
Date: Wed, 14 Jul 1999 18:37:25
Subject: You Need a new Lawyer
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 256

JOKE : YOU KNOW YOU NEED A NEW LAWYER WHEN ...........

 1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
 
 2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
 
 3. When the prosecutors (Plaintiffs??) see who your lawyer is,
    they high-five each other.

 4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

 5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

 6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

 7. A prison guard is shaving your head.

 8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the
    stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

 9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
 
10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
 
11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said
    ..."
 
12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one
    with the little hammer, right?"

14. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little
    quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

15. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law
    Since 2:25 PM."

16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge,
    "Whatever."
 
17. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

==============================================================

From  Wed Jul  7 01:43:48 1999 -0700
Subject: Idiots at Work
Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 00:20:23 -0000
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 257

  IDIOTS IN RETAIL
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card.  She informed me that she could not complete the
transaction unless the card was signed.  When I asked why, she
explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.  So
I signed the credit card in front of her.  She carefully compared
that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.  As luck
would have it,they matched.

 IDIOTS AT WORK...
 Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents.  Two for a dollar.

 IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
 After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I
 described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic.  My
 boss said,  "Really?  Where is Monosyllabia?"  Thinking that he
 was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south
 of Elbonia.
 He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

 ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
 An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health &
 Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically
 to lubricate your eyes."

 IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
 I live in a semi-rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor
 call the local township administrative office to request the
 removal of the Deer Crossing Sign on our road.  The reason: Many
 deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to
 cross there.

 IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
 My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
 office of a large bank.  Employees in the field call him when
 they have problems with their computers.  One night he got a
 call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this
 question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. 
 Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

 IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
 I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented
 that the next day would be the shortest day of the year.  My lab
 partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping.  I
 explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the
 actual amount of time.
 Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

 IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
 My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She
 asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." 
 He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

 MORE IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
 I called the nearest Pizza Hut, ordered a pizza, and told the
 employee I would be coming by to pick it up.  I asked if they
 were on the East or west side of the street.  She replied, "It
 depends.
 Which direction are you coming from?"

==============================================================

From  Thu Jul 15 20:07:21 1999 -0700
Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 18:30:46
Subject: George Takes Up Golf
Status: RO
X-Status: 
X-Keywords:                 
X-UID: 258

My wife said to me, "George, it is about time that you learned
to play golf." -You know, Golf...  That's the game you chase a
ball all over the country, when you are too old to chase women.

So, I went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach me how
to play golf. 

He said, "Sure...  You've got balls, haven't you?" I said "Yes,
but on some mornings they are hard to find."  "Bring them to the
clubhouse tomorrow", he said, "and we will tee off."  "What's tee
off?", I asked.  He said, "It's a golf term and we have to tee
off in front of the clubhouse."  

"Not for me", I said, "You can tee off there if you want, but
I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere."  "No, no, no", he said,
"A tee is a little thing about the size of your finger." I said,
"Yeah, I've got one of those."  

"Well", he said, "You stick it in the ground and put your ball
on top of it." I asked, "Do you play golf sitting down? I always
thought that you stood up and walked around."  "You do", he said
"You stand up when you put your ball on the tee."

Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a little bit
too far, and I said so.

He said, "You've a bag, haven't you?"  "Sure", I said.  He said,
"Your balls are in it, right?"  "Of course", I told him.  "Well",
he said, "Can't you open it and take one out?" I said, "I suppose
I could", but damned if I was going to.

He asked if I had a zipper on my bag, but I told him no, I